“He didn’t seem so bad online,” I grumble.
Ryan presses his thumb against the tiny dimple in his chin, the way he does when he’s really amused. “You’re kidding. Bro wore loafers with white gym socks to a date. Hescreamsso bad. It’s oozing out of his pores. Either you have the world’s worst taste in men, or you didn’t vet this dude at all.”
“I vetted him enough to make sure he wasn’t a serial killer.”
“Wow. The bar is on the floor, Pips. It’s sinking down into the basement.”
I throw up my hands. “Fine. He wasn’t my first choice. I kind of knew he was going to be a douche, but I’m on a deadline for this article. I had to go out withsomebody, and since I didn’t get as many matches as I thought I would, I picked the best of the worst.”
Ryan raises his brows. “I refuse to believe that Dickface McCrypto was top of the pile. What, was it just him versus a hundred aspiring Soundcloud rappers?”
“More like him versus seven Gollums asking for nudes.” I shudder.
“What do you mean, seven?”
My whole body tenses.Fuck.I didn’t mean to admit out loud how few guys swiped right on me. I basically handed Ryan all the ammunition he could ask for to drag me down.
“Seriously, Pips. Tell me you didn’t get seven matches.”
My face heats, and I stare at the table, refusing to meet his eyes. “Eight. I got eight, counting Bitprick.”
“That has to be wrong. You should’ve gotten way more.”
My eyes snap up so hard, I’m lucky they didn’t pop out. “Wait, did you really just say somethingniceto me? You didn’t even do that when I broke my arm sophomore year.”
Ryan rolls his eyes. “I’m just saying, men are horny bastards. We’ll strip down for almost any woman who’s willing to give us a second glance. You might not be Miss Universe, but you’re not a troll. You should have gotten dozens of messages.”
I shrug. “Maybe the algorithm isn’t working right?”
“Nu-uh. These apps are designed to get you hooked. If you just signed up for the first time, it should be flooding you with matches to try and get you addicted to the attention. It’s has to be your profile. Show me.”
“Over my dead body.”
He raises a brow. “That would be a bonus.”
“I’m not showingyoumy profile. Your opinions are about as valuable as a clump of dirt.”
“Au contraire, stepsis. If I’m an expert about one thing, it’s poker, followed very closely by how to hook up with people. Some people would beg for my advice on their profiles.”
“Some people are morons.”
“Come on, you know I’m right. You have to find eleven more guys to date for this article, yeah? Well, they’re all going to suck as much as Ballface the Brogrammer if you don’t get someone in to do damage control.”
I let out a long breath. Loathe as I am to admit it, he’s right. My profile isn’t working, and I have eleven miserable nights ahead if I can’t turn this around.
“Ugh, fine!” I pull out my phone and open up Keepr. “You can look. But if you’re an asshole about it, I’m telling Mom.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He grabs the phone from my hand. He looks at it for all of five seconds before letting out a long sigh. “Oh, Pips. This is…this iscute.”
Oh, no. It’s never good when a guy calls youcute.Your dog, sure. Your outfit, fine. But you as a person? They might as well say you’re as sexually appealing as a sea cucumber. My shoulders slump forward, and I’m struck with the sudden urge to curl up in a ball and hide.
Ryan sighs. “You know what, I’m going to help you.”
With my phone still in his hand, he hops out of his chair and walks toward the exit.
I grab my purse off the back of the chair and chase him out of the restaurant and toward the elevator. “Enough, Ryan. Give me back my phone!”
“Sure. As soon as I’m done fixing your profile.” He holds my phone high above his head. I make a running jump to grab it, but his arms are just too long. There’s no way I can reach it.
