“Sure. That sounds nice.”
She pauses. “Do you want to talk about it, Pippa?”
I swallow. So she does know about Ryan. She just didn’t want to push, so I could process it in my own time without her influencing the outcome. Just like she did when she protected me from knowing about Dad’s gambling.
“Not yet,” I murmur. “Maybe one day but—not yet.”
“Okay,” she says. “I’m here if you change your mind, though.”
“I’ll see you Saturday, Mom. I have to go do some work now. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
When I hang up, my phone automatically shows me my last few calls—including twelve missed ones from Ryan. My finger hovers over his name. I know I have to call him back eventually, but I’m just not ready.
I pull my blanket over my head, enclosing myself in a little purple cave. I just can’t stop replaying our last kiss over and over in my head. I was naked, physically and emotionally. Ryan must have known what it meant to me—that no matter what happens, he’s part of me. He left a mark that can never be removed or cut away. Maybe we’ll both be too cowardly to let this turn into something real, but that doesn’t change that I’ve been permanently changed by loving him.
I wish I could make the kiss mean the same thing to Ryan. It’s like my brain thinks that if it replays the kiss enough times, Ryan will magically want to tell me how he feels about me and beg me to be his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, my psychic powers have yet to appear.
My phone lights up with a new text, this time from people I actually feel ready to talk to. It’s mine, Cat, and Brinley’s new group chat.
Cat
How are you holding up?
Brinley
Yeah, how’s the new place? Do you need anything?
Empty and soulless,I think, but instead I type out something sunnier.
Pippa
It’s good. Big. It’ll be nicer once I get some furniture moved in.
Cat
Uh oh. That’s Pippa code for ‘I hate it.’ What’s up?
Brinley
Is it Ryan? Is he still bothering you?
My heart squeezes. That’s the thing, other than a couple missed calls, there’s nothing else. No voicemails. No text messages. He isn’t showing up at my door. And I shouldn’t be so fucking heartbroken about it because this is what I wanted…wasn’t it?
Some space to think?
Pippa
No. I’ve hardly heard from him.
Brinley
I’m still learning Pippa code, but I think this one means she’s upset about that fact?
Cat
