She has to know this is all for her. Because even though it took me way too fucking long to realize it, I love her and I can’t stand a second away from her. Waking up without her everyday has been pure torture. I haven’t slept for longer than a couple hours at a time. I haven’t been able to live in the cabin without seeing her everywhere. The couch I laid her on when she was freezing after her accident. The kitchen she danced around in and where I lost control of my desire for her. The bed where I kissed her for the first time. Even the damn chickens remind me of her. I’ve spent three months loving her while she’s spent all that time trying to forget everything we shared.
She’s my everything. And if she lets me, if she gives her heart to me again, I’ll give her everything I have to give. I want to be her home. I want to be her healing. I want to be her harbor.
And I want to tell her that with my own voice.
So, taking a deep breath and fighting through all the chaos in my head, I answer her question. “Y-yes.”
She looks like she’s seen a ghost. As soon as enough of the shock fades for her to think clearly, she continues.
“How? When? Jason, I don’t understand. I thought–.” Her words trail off as the gears in her head visibly turn over everything she knows to be true and how contradictory this is to what she’s known.
“I-.” Fuck, this is hard. It was easier when I was reading books in the shop aloud, by myself. I haven’t even spoken to Dylan yet. I wanted her to be the first to hear me, so she knew it was for her. I think he knows I’ve been working on it, but he hasn’t actually heard me speak. “I’ve been t-trying. I want-ted to try for y-you.”
I really wish I didn’t sound so stupid. I sound like a moron. Not speaking for years is like not working out for years. You can’t just walk into the gym again after a decade and expect to deadlift three-hundred pounds. Likewise,I had to retrain the muscles involved in talking and work on the mental blocks preventing me from overcoming my fears.
“How?” One word and yet she’s asking so much. I don’t even know where to begin. So I speak as honestly as I can, hoping it tells her enough.
“Th-the way you sa-ved me. Reading.” It’s coming easier now.
The sheen of tears glosses over her eyes as I continue.
“You were right.” Ok, one sentence without stammering down. “I was a c-coward.” So much for that.
Fuck, keep going, Jason.
“I’ve been af-raid for t-too long. They can’t r-ruin my l-life anymore. They t-took everything from m-me. They can’t. Take. You. Too.”
Mara sucks air in like she’s been drowning while listening to me. I’ve been so focused on getting through every word I didn’t realize her palms were pressed flat to my chest. I don’t think she realizes it either. I’ve been lost in her pleading hazel eyes and the way hope is shining in them. I don’t know if I can repair what I’ve broken but I’m sure as hell going to try.
“I’m…sorry, Mara. I’m s-sorry f-for everything.”
“Jason,” she breathes my name like a prayer. “I’m so proud of you.” Mara’s anger melts away as she lifts onto her toes and wraps her arms around me so fast I barely have time to brace for the impact. As soon as she does, I return the hug, holding her to me with my arms banded around her back. If it’s possible, I’ll never let her go. This is all I’ve wanted. I’m not foolish enough to think we can fix everything in a day, or that she’ll trust me again without a lot of work on my part. But All I can do is try.
I breathe in her scent like an addict who’s been fighting withdrawals. She is intoxicating. My own personal methamphetamine. Maybe comparing her to hard drugs isn’t that romantic, but I don’t know how else to describe my need for her. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I’ve always known I need her, I just didn’t know what it would take to keep her.
“I know how hard this must be for you.” I nod, because even though I’m speaking again, it’s not easy. I still have the training wheels on.
“I missed you…so much.”
“I missed you too.” She blinks and a tear rolls down her rounded cheek.She’s so perfect. She’s so beautiful it kills me. And I can’t forgive myself for hurting her.
But I can try to make up for it every day for the rest of our lives.
“I’m so sorry, Mara.” It takes me twice as long to get a sentence out but for her I’ll make a fool of myself any day. “I’m sorry I-I h-hurt you. You are…the best…thing th-that has ever h-happened…to me.”
I wipe the tear from her cheek with my thumb and lower my forehead to hers. God, just being near her feels like it has healed every ache, every wound, all the tension her absence has caused. I’ve been a mess since she left and it feels like it’s all disappeared now that I’m holding her again. I can only hope she understands this was all for her.
Ok Jason, be strong and don’t falter. You can do this.I have to get this out without stuttering. I don’t want the first time she hears it to be a disjointed mess.
Here goes nothing.
“I. Love. You.”
Mara pulls away so she can stare into my eyes like she’s looking for something. Her lips part and her breathing hitches in her throat. I can hear her stop breathing for a moment at the same time her body locks up in my arms. Fuck, I hope I didn’t do that wrong. She’s told me she loves me but maybe she doesn’t feel that way anymore. She did say she “loved” me. Past tense. Maybe I’ve missed my shot and this is just her way of telling me goodbye.
Before my mind can doubt her intentions anymore, she pulls me into a kiss that seals our fates. That kiss alone tells me everything I need to know and all my worries are drowned in her warmth, her touch, the energy coursing from her body to mine.
Pulling her hips into mine like I’m afraid she’ll float away, I channel all of my love and devotion into the kiss. I might be holding her too hard but I can’t bother to care right now because she’s here, she’s in my arms, and I think we are on the verge of fixing what I destroyed.
