“Today’s commandment is fitting, considering our conversation,” he said.
“We had a conversation?”
“Discounting the tears and the talk about failing, you broached the subject of goals. That brings us to the second commandment: Know thyself.”
Know thyself? I already knew myself. That wasn’t the problem at all. I just needed to look more like Tight Tammy and win back my husband. Didn’t he understand that?
“Are you getting all frou-frou with me?”
Hudson leaned over me, again and took out another notebook, which was identical to his except that it was only filled with blank pages. “This is for you and you only. But I’m giving you an assignment. Write down your goals.”
“I know my goals. I need to be better. I need to win my husband back.”
Hudson put his hand on my arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “In my experience, when you write them down, goals have a way of surprising you. They change, get deeper. When you have a moment, write them down and then write them down again. Do it tonight and again tomorrow morning.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because you deserve it.”
CHAPTER 6
“Skulls and Fairies”
Hudson forced me to eat, again. This time it was a chicken breast, broccoli, and yam. It tasted nothing like pizza. Afterward, I never wanted to eat, again, so I guessed the diet was working. He washed the dishes and scrubbed the sink, and I sat watching, transfixed for a second time at the sight of a man cleaning my home. It was like watching a unicorn and Dumbledore dance with tree faeries, and it almost made the meal worth it.
“I’m going to be a little later, tomorrow,” Hudson told me, as he packed up his duffle. “Around eight. Is that okay?”
“Sounds like paradise.”
“Don’t forget to write down your goals.”
“Easiest assignment I’ve ever had.”
We walked to the door. He turned the doorknob and looked at me. “You’ll see. It gets harder as you go, but it’s worth it.”
My thighs were barking at me, and my calves felt like they were going to snap, like they were rubber bands that were pulled too tight. I took three Advils and sat in my recliner for six episodes ofLaw and Order SVUand one infomercial for a face cream that after only two weeks turned a middle-aged, saggy-necked woman into a twenty-something model, who was a dead ringer for a young Cindy Crawford. I held the blank notebook in my lap and ate about a half pound of candied pecans, while I watched her transformation on television. Hers was a lot faster and easier than mine. She didn’t have to eat a single egg white or run down a mountain.
I jotted down the number for the cream in my notebook. There. It wasn’t blank anymore. I felt better. Now, I could tell Hudson that I did my homework. See, Hudson? Easy as pie. Oh…pie. I shook the image of pie out of my head, not wanting to erase the good I had done by eating a skinless chicken breast. It’s hard to shake the image of pie out of one’s head once it gets in there. Pie is so much better than skinless chicken breasts. Any kind of pie. EvenThe Helpkind of pie is better.
I closed the notebook and looked around. The house was cleaner, but without the chaos and trash, it felt empty. Barren and sterile. Even with the television on, the house was too quiet. For the first time since Jamie’s graduation, the shock had worn off enough for me to realize that I was entirely alone. I couldn’t figure out how I went from having a full life to being completely isolated within a week. Was my husband the linchpin that turned my house into a home? Was he the magnet that pulled life toward me? Whatever it was, I was not just alone, but I had a huge case of the lonelies.
I was two steps away from listening to country music.
I clicked on my pen and wrote:Goal #1: I don’t want to be alone.
Without thinking, I picked up my phone and dialed my son, Jamie. It wasn’t until he answered on the second ring that I realized I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t tell him that his father had left. Jamie had just started a high-pressure job in New York, and I didn’t want the bad news to derail his success. No way would I be that selfish. I was determined to hide the truth. Besides, the truth was only temporary. His dad would be back soon, and I needed to save Jamie from this blip of unpleasantness.
At the sound of my only child’s voice, I cracked. “I love you,” I gushed, instead of saying hello. Damn. I was no good at lying. He was going to see right through me.
“Love you, too,” he said. “Can we talk later? I’m behind on billables.”
“Oh, billables. That sounds important. Very professional.” He sounded so grown up, but to me, it was only yesterday that I was treating his diaper rash and singing him to sleep. My baby. I loved him so much, and I was so proud of him.
“Yes, it’s very important. I haven’t slept in two days, Mom. I’m with one of the top law offices on the planet, now. They require blood from their junior associates.”
Jamie didn’t say a word about being the child of a broken home or about the injustices of his mother left for a woman with no cellulite. Obviously, Steve hadn’t contacted Jamie to tell him that he was sleeping with a young personal trainer and had taken my car. I was desperate to complain to someone, but I didn’t want to complain to my child.
“I’ll let you go, then,” I said. “I’m so proud of you.”
