Maybe it was because my future was meant for a girl from my past.
22
EMILY
Jesse’s bedwas as comfortable as I’d remembered, but I had a better chance of sleeping on a slab of concrete than anywhere in this room.
I couldn’t escape him here. He was in every single nook and crevice. It smelled like him, it felt like him, and all the memories that I had from the last time I’d been in this bed barreled over me every time I tossed and turned, and my weary eyes wouldn’t shut.
Did I really think I’d be able to relax at Jesse’s house?
I was exhausted in every way and all I wanted to do was sleep, but sleep was not coming to me anytime soon. It had nothing to do with the softness of his sheets or how firm his pillows were. Every time I’d try to close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else, the faint scent of his cologne would float up my nostrils and remind me of where I was and how Jesse was only a few feet away.
I’d get no rest tonight. I had a pesky thing called clarity to thank for that.
I’d had enough of the turmoil rolling around in my head. We couldn’t stay in this limbo I’d forced us into. It wasn’t fair toeither of us—and especially not fair to keep Jesse on a hanging thread until I figured out what I wanted.
I was taking advantage of his guilt over what had happened to us all that time ago as an excuse for him to wait around until I was ready to make a move, whether I realized I was doing it or not. Now that I had, I was disgusted enough with myself to sit up in Jesse’s bed and stop fooling myself that this sleeping arrangement would ever work.
That wasn’t fair on so many levels. What he’d done back then, how he’d broken up with me, hadn’t been intentional. In fact, it was a lot kinder than what I was doing to him right now. He’d made a clean break because he hadn’t wanted to drag it out and hurt me even more.
Either I gave us a chance, or I cut him off. And cutting him off meant cutting Maddie off. The thought of doing that made my chest pull so hard, I rubbed at the sudden and sharp ache. At the beginning, I was drawn to her because of who her uncle was and the strong resemblance to her mother. But if I was honest with myself, I looked for her more than my other kids on the field every week for a lot of reasons.
I’d grown to love all the kids on my team and had even told Penny that I’d enjoyed coaching so much that I’d do it again next season, but coaching Maddie was different. I couldn’t imagine living without her boisterous hugs or watching her eyes light up whenever she saw me.
I’d originally thought it was because I felt so badly for her since she’d lost her mom. And after Jesse’s mother had pointed out that Maddie needed someone like me, I’d figured that was the reason why I connected with her so easily.
But maybe I needed her too.
Along with all of that, my mind kept drifting to the book Maddie had found and how Tessa could have known it was my book. Was it a random discovery, or had she searched for it?
I’d played it off to Jesse, but it was a little spooky.
After I officially gave up trying to sleep, I grabbed my phone and opened Facebook. When I found her still-live page, my heart seized as I scrolled through photos of Maddie as a baby, Tessa holding her as she beamed at the camera with so much joy.
I rubbed my bleary eyes after finding nothing but more sadness and regret. The messages of condolence posted on her wall hit me hard enough to close the app, not wanting to see anything else.
I’d never find a real answer since Tessa wasn’t here to explain.
But what if Tessa really was wishing us back together like Jesse’s mother had said she’d done the summer after we’d broken up—and as she’d insinuated that she was doing now. It seemed like such a silly notion, yet not really.
He’d been in town for the reunion because of Maddie. I saw him again because Maddie joined my soccer team, and we’d connected as friends for her sake. I wasn’t big on signs or miracles because you could always write those things off as coincidence if you looked hard enough.
Maybe this was the exception.
His room was pitch black, other than a few slivers of light filtering through the blinds from the streetlamp outside. I could make out his dresser and wondered if my picture was still in his drawer or if he had shared it with Maddie. I was tempted to check, but even if he’d given me his room tonight, that didn’t give me the right to rummage through it.
Besides, Jesse wasn’t the one keeping secrets or being coy about what he wanted. He’d told me he loved me, and I’d taken that as a reason to run out of his house and away from him.
I was sick of running. Maybe I could sleep if I stopped.
I turned on my phone’s flashlight and headed into the hallway, not wanting to turn on the hallway light and wake upMaddie, not that I could find it. A small night-light illuminated the top of the stairs, but it faded when I made my way to the spare bedroom door. I stilled, shining the light onto the doorknob for so long I saw spots in my vision.
Before I lost my nerve, I wrapped my hand around the silver knob and turned it slowly, cringing at the soft creak of the door.
The room was even darker than Jesse’s bedroom, but I heard a grunt as he stirred on the futon. I felt around for a light switch and flicked it as I softly shut the door behind me.
I watched as it took him a minute to register the light in the room, his chiseled arms lifting out from under the comforter to rub his eyes. When I spotted his bare shoulder, I realized he was shirtless. I guessed that was how he slept both drunk and sober.
