“So, it’s not weird now?”
I glowered at the smug smile curving his lips.
“It’s a…containable weird.”
A groan rose from Caden’s throat.
“If, for argument’s sake, you tried and it didn’t work out, Emily wouldn’t take it out on Maddie. You’re both adults. You go to practice, go to the games, and suck it up for the rest of the season.”
“It’s not that simple.” I pushed off the chair and headed toward the coffeepot in the kitchen. Thoughts of how not simple it was between Emily and me had given me many nights of shitty, restless sleep.
“It is from where I’m sitting, dude.”
I could blame it on what Dr. Asher had said about not bringing anyone into Maddie’s life who I wasn’t sure would be there permanently, but there was more to my hesitation than that.
I poured cream into my coffee, inching the spoon around the mug because I didn’t want to hear what I knew Caden was about to say—or should say.
“You forget, I was there that summer. You were all torn up over her for months. If you guys have another chance, I don’t get why you wouldn’t take it?”
“Because if I do,” I said, focusing on the inside of my coffee mug, “then I am right back to where I was twenty years ago when I realized we had to break up.”
Caden’s brow furrowed. “I’m not following. You said you broke up with her because it wouldn’t work with her going to school so far away.”
“I broke up with her because I knew I couldn’t be what she wanted or needed, regardless of whether or not she realized it.”
“And how does that apply now?” Caden pressed.
“Now, I have a kid. A troubled kid who is grieving her mother.I’mgrieving her mother. I’m taking her to a therapist and should probably pick one for myself at some point. I couldn’t be what Emily needed then, and I have nothing to give her now. I won’t hurt and disappoint her again.”
I let out a long gust of air and dropped my head back.
“So yes, I’m a chickenshit. I fully admit it. Happy?” I downed the rest of the coffee, lukewarm from being out for so long and all the milk I’d poured into it, and I placed the mug in the sink.
Even though I insisted on space between us, I gravitated to her all the same, and if I didn’t watch myself, it wouldn’t end well.
“I’m too fucking old for this. At thirty-eight, I shouldn’t lose half a night of sleep because my high school girlfriend is back in my life.”
“That stuff doesn’t have time limits. Trust me, I wish there were some kind of magic switch to make you stop caring about someone, but…” He lifted a shoulder. “Timelines for that kind of thing are out of our control.”
He flicked his wrist to glance at his watch.
“Let me say goodbye to Maddie. I have shit to do today. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I would rather be the guy who tried and it didn’t work out than the one who was too scared to do anything and had nothing but regrets in the end.”
I nodded, agreeing with Caden but still clueless as to what to do about it.
“Her therapist even told me it’s okay to go out and have a good time. That it’s self-care. But it feels wrong to go out with Emily or anyone else, knowing how little I have to give.”
“Anyone else?” Caden’s eyes narrowed. “Are you getting offers that you’re not telling me about?”
“I’ve had nothing but offers forhelpfrom the single mothers I’ve met on the team. Playdates, lunches, dinners to get my mind off things…”
Caden cracked up. “Are you serious? You’re getting hit on at your kid’s soccer practice? That is fucking hysterical.”
“It’s exhausting. And I’m not taking Maddie to any playdates unless she asks. Because if she doesn’t really know the kid, I have to stay there with her and?—”
“Be cornered with more offers?” He snickered. “And what does Coach Emily think of all the new attention you’re getting?”
“I’m sure she’s been too busy with the kids to notice anything or care.”
