I nodded, plopping onto one of my dining room chairs as the fight seeped out of me. “There’s a bowl in the sink.” I cringed when I heard my voice rasp.
“You worry me here alone. When is Landon coming back?” She set the bowl and spoon down in front of me, eyeing me with a concern I didn’t want to acknowledge. I needed to keep going, and I was afraid if I stopped, I wouldn’t get back up again.
“Day after tomorrow,” I said, stirring my crackers into the soup. I’d lived on this soup at “the beginning,” when climbing up and down my stairs was all the activity I could handle. It was creamy with a spicy kick, and I hoped it would clear my sinuses enough for the afternoon.
“You wouldn’t be this sick if he were here.”
“I wouldn’t be upright if he were here. He wouldn’t let me out of bed, and not in a fun way.” I met her gaze with a weak smile. “He worries about me too much as it is. If he saw or heard me like this, he’d drop everything to fly home and hover over me.”
We’d both been so busy, we’d only spoken via text for the past couple of days, and I’d been passing out right after we’d finished working for the day and missing his phone calls.
“Why are you rubbing your chest?” Karen asked as she sat down next to me.
“It’s sore from coughing. Just like my ribs. Maybe I’ll get abs,” I joked, another cough rumbling through my chest as I tried to swallow more soup. My stomach muscles were sore, but the pain in my chest was more piercing, like someone had punched me.
“I’ll check in on you later.” Karen rose from the chair, exhaling a long breath as she shook her head at me. “You’re going to the doctor tomorrow morning. If Oliver and I have to force you into the back seat like one of his perps, we will. So don’t make us embarrass you in front of the whole block.”
“Don’t make me laugh,” I said when my chuckle turned into another coughing fit. “As soon as this is all done, I will go to the doctor and rest. I’ll be between jobs anyway once this is over, so I’ll have nothing else to do.” I trudged behind her to my front door, already dreading having to think about what my next move would be. Maybe it would be a blessing that I’d be too tired to think about it.
I ran out of steam at seven p.m. and took my phone over to my couch just to lie down for a few minutes. I blinked my eyes open an hour later and could barely move. Every joint in my body was screaming at me as I tried to sit up. Another fit of coughing hit me as I tried to take in a breath, and it wouldn’t stop. After it finally subsided, I couldn’t catch my breath. Every gulp of air I attempted wasn’t getting into my lungs and amplified the pain in my chest.
Once I was able to get my eyes to focus and my hands to stop shaking, I picked up my phone to message an apology to Sierra and Kaitie and noticed a voice mail notification from Landon.
“Hey, babe. I guess you’re still working. I hate that I haven’t heard your voice in days, but I have good news. I’m coming home early. They’re giving me an award tomorrow night at a company dinner in Midtown, and I’d like you to be my date. The award isn’t a big deal, but I made plans for us after. I’m flying out tonight, but I’ll tell you all about it when I get home. And if you wore the green dress from Dean and Maria’s wedding tomorrow night, I wouldn’t hate it.”
His soft chuckle made hot tears spring to my eyes. He was winning an award, and I was going to miss it. I was so damn proud of him, whatever it was for, but I couldn’t leave the house like this, much less go to an awards dinner. I didn’t know what made me feel worse, disappointing him or the anticipation of how he’d react when I told him I was sick.
“Sorry for the last-minute ask, but I promise it will be worth it. I love you so much. See you soon, darlin’.”
My living room spun around me when I pushed off my couch. I shivered despite the drops of sweat dripping down my neck as I made my way back to my alcove office. The walk from my couch to my desk winded me so much, I had to stop three times.
Frustrated tears streamed down my flushed cheeks as I finally made it to my chair. The only work message I’d missed was an email from Frank giving us an extension until tomorrow afternoon. My relief was short-lived, as it was all too clear that I wasn’t making this deadline when the thought of heading back to my couch made me want to cry. I mustered up the strength to upload everything I’d been working on and sent an email apology to my team for being too ill to complete my part by tomorrow afternoon. I was far enough along in what I had to do for them to be able to wrap up what I’d done without too much of a hassle, although I still felt as if I were letting them down. But as much as I wanted to keep going, I was no good to them like this, regardless of the extra time we had been given.
Karen was right. I knew better than this. I’d thought if I could just push through, I could prove to myself that I could still do it, but I had nothing left now. Not for me or for anyone else. A sob rolled through me, my chest on fire as I hiccupped.
My cheeks burned, but I had no idea how high my temperature was since my thermometer was in my upstairs bathroom, and upstairs was a no-go for me right now. My house was so quiet, other than the whoosh of the six train coming and going and the wail of sirens in the distance, typical city sounds that were like white noise to me. It was quiet enough inside for every gasp and wheeze to echo in my ears.
I couldn’t be there for Landon, my job, or myself. I’d been doing so well for so long, I’d forgotten how everything could turn on a dime until it had.
I shut my eyes and tried to will myself to calm down. I was sick because I was too busy to get to a doctor, and I’d compromised my already half-assed immune system. I’d get the medicine I needed and be fine.
Probably.
But what if I wasn’t? What if I’d let it go too far and couldn’t come back? It was a fear always in the back of my mind, of the monster constantly lurking just around the corner that would pounce when I wasn’t looking or became cocky enough to think I could pull long hours with a cold and be fine just like everyone else.
I wasn’t everyone else, and I dreaded how much I would pay for that oversight.
I almost laughed to myself at the sick irony of it all. Three days ago, I’d had an annoying allergy cough. Now, I was rocking back and forth on my couch, bargaining with God for me to please be okay. That I’d just go to the doctor and be able to laugh later about how I’d burned myself out over a project when Landon wasn’t home to watch me.
The months before my diagnosis were a never-ending flu, but this was something different. Something bad enough to make my blood run as cold as my skin felt, as goose bumps burst over my arms.
I took slow breaths in and out, but as much as I tried to gulp it in, I couldn’t take in any air. I crumpled into a ball each time pain shot across my chest, and I was ready to admit defeat and finally ask for help.
Me:Are you up?
Karen:I am. Are you all right?
Me:I think I have a fever, and I can’t breathe.
