A twinge of guilt poked at my gut as a concerned frown pulled at her mouth.
I couldn’t control if people worried about me, and while I appreciated it, it frustrated the hell out of me. I wanted to find my bearings and get back to my life before I had to plan around a chronic illness. Pushing me toward a special diet, or my mother grabbing the dishes out of my hands and washing them before I could even stand up, only reminded me of the limitations I was trying to forget.
But I wasn’t the only one afraid of what the future held, and I had to find nicer ways both to set the people I loved at ease and keep them in check. I picked up my phone and scrolled through all the links and screenshots of articles Landon had sent, more guilt washing over me at all his efforts.
Me:I’m doing all the right things, I swear. I’ll talk to my doctor about this, but for now, you need to relax, doll ;)
Me:And promise me you won’t give me a dirty look if I butter my dinner roll tonight.
“Sorry, Mom.” I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. Her short blond hair was almost white, but that was the only sign of her age to me. Her skin was still flawless, the creases by her eyes her only noticeable wrinkles. I’d always been jealous of her blue eyes, but my brown ones came from my father. He’d passed away when I was six, and fuzzy memories and photos were all I ever remembered.
My mother had stayed single until she’d met Sean when I was twelve. He was more like an uncle than a father to me since I was almost a teenager when we met, but I’d liked him right away. He always treated my mother like a queen, and after all those years as a struggling single mom, she deserved it. They were one of those super couples everyone was jealous of, even in their late sixties.
Landon:Can’t blame me for wanting you healthy, darlin’. I promise I’ll back off at dinner.
“Hmm.”
I raised my head from my phone screen and met my mother’s scrutinizing gaze.
“Hmm, what?”
“It’s just nice to see you smile like that again.”
I touched my cheeks on instinct, unaware how wide my grin was while I sparred via text with my best friend.
Another source of constant frustration was how I melted every time Landon called medarlin’.
“You must be happy that Landon is moving.”
I nodded, ignoring the way she eyed me over the rim of her mug as she took another sip.
“We always kept in touch, but it will be nice to see him in person more than a few times a year. Hopefully. He’s a textbook workaholic, but he promised us he’d push for more balance once he’s settled here.”
Mom darted her eyes around my kitchen and bobbed her head in a slow nod.
“He’s still single, right?”
“He is,” I sighed, leaning back in my chair. It technically wasn’t a lie since Landon and I were only married on paper. This wasn’t the first time my mother had made a subtle suggestion about Landon and me possibly being more than friends, but I’d usually shut her down quickly.
It had been easier to dismiss the idea of Landon and me as lovers instead of friends when I hadn’t been trying to shake these not-so-friendly feelings for him. Now, intrusive visions of us together blossomed in my brain faster than I could reason them away. While I complained about the natural remedies he’d been trying to push on the daily, I loved knowing that I was probably on his mind as much as he was on mine.
I lovedandhated it, as having Landon and his annoyingly adorable self close by was going to get dangerous if I didn’t get rid of these new feelings. We’d always spoken often, but since Vegas, we talked all the time. Whenever we’d FaceTime, we’d stay on for an hour or more, talking about nothing, with more than a little flirting back and forth.
I’d hang up equal parts happy, dizzy, and panicked.
“He cares about you a lot,” Mom said, pulling me out of my Landon musings.
“I care about him too,” I said, clenching my eyes shut for a moment when I caught the defensive edge in my voice. “We’ve been best friends for years.”
At the core, we’d always be best friends. But best friends shouldn’t have the urge to slip their hand down their panties one late and shameful night when the memory of kissing the other best friend flashed in their mind.
Once upon a time, I’d giggle thinking of having sex with Landon and blow it off as ridiculous. Now, nothing about it was even a little funny.
“Is it so bad if it turns into more?” Mom asked.
“Yes. No. I mean…” I raked my hand through my hair and dropped my head onto my table. “I love him. Too much to make things complicated and end up losing my best friend. I couldn’t function without him in my life.”
Mom’s eyes narrowed as she tilted her head.
