“Yes, ma’am!” He gave her a salute before she glowered at him and left.
“You,” I yanked the waistband of Evan’s jeans and pulled him closer, “are hot as hell when you get jealous.” I sucked his bottom lip and gave it a nibble.
“Hmm . . . I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Evan grabbed the nape of my neck and crashed his lips to mine. “I would totally kick someone’s ass for you. No one touches my girl.” I laughed against his lips.
“My sexy caveman. You’re really great with kids. You’ll make an awesome dad someday.”
Evan shrugged. “My luck I’ll have a little girl just as beautiful as her mother and I’ll have to beat guys up for real.” Evan kissed my forehead as I froze. How would I be able to take care of children if I could barely function some days? I bit my lip as I tried to catch my breath. The realization knocked the wind out of me.
“Hey,” Evan took my face in his hands. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I think a little too far ahead sometimes. I . . . can’t picture my future with anyone else but you.” Evan ran his hand down my cheek. I reached up and caressed the top of his hand.
“Me too, babe. Can we lock up and go home?” A soft smile spread across Evan’s face as he pulled me closer.
“Sure. I’d love to go home with you, beautiful.” Evan kissed my lips as I willed myself to relax.
Evan deserved the best future, especially after taking care of everyone else for most of his life. The love I had for him was bone deep. But for the first time, it crossed my mind that the best future he could have might not be one with me.
Twenty-Eight
Paige
It wasmy third visit to Dr. Stephens in a little over a month, and I already hated this office. I hated the drive here, hated the waiting room, and I reallydespisedwringing my hands in my lap as Dr. Stephens would review the new test results. I dangled my legs off the side of the examination table and braced myself for whatever lupus decided to do to me this week. My lungs were already a mess. In the fifteen minutes I’d been there, my eyes had teared from three long coughing fits.
“Still a lot of protein in your urine, Paige. I want to take it again today and run a few other tests.”
“This means I have lupus in my kidneys, too, right?” My voice was dry. I didn’t even have it in me to panic anymore. This illness was finding new ways to make life even more difficult than the day before. The joint pain and fatigue were pretty constant, and the sores in my throat improved for a short time, only to get worse. They caused unbearable indigestion in addition to making it hard to swallow food in the first place. I had to give up coffee, and almost every morning I chased plain oatmeal with antacid tablets.
“Could be. I’ll call you with the results. Still having trouble eating, I see.” In the short time I’d been Dr. Stephens’s patient, I had lost almost ten pounds. I missed the days when I’d try to find ways to hide my muffin top as opposed to being grossed out by the sight of the concavity of my ribs after I stepped out of the shower.
My phone buzzed with a text as Dr. Stephens did her usual pounding on the keyboard.
Evan: I’m so sorry work has been so crazy. I miss you so damn much.
Business was good, but now Evan worked all hours. Taylor’s Flooring had night jobs in addition to very early morning ones, and Evan was wearing himself ragged trying to police it all. The past few nights, he’d been coming to my apartment so late and waking up so early the following morning, I barely remembered sleeping with him. Scared, depressed and lonely was mostly how I spent my days.
Me: It’s okay. You’re busy, I understand.
Evan: How are you feeling? I haven’t even seen you awake the past few days.
Me: Fine.
Evan: I’ll make it up to you, Daisy. I promise. Please don’t be mad.
Me: I’m not mad. I’m in a meeting and have to go.
Evan: Shit, yes you are. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I love you so much, Daisy. Just hang in there with me, OK?
I locked my phone and threw it back into my purse. Not seeing Evan worked to my advantage. I hardly ate, was in bed by nine o’clock, and really didn’t feel like dealing with anyone. I missed Ellie and the baby so much, but never felt up to visiting them, and I knew Ellie would catch on that something was wrong fairly quickly. The isolation was killing me, but I couldn’t bring myself out of it. I wouldn’t be able to ward off my mother too much longer, so hopefully with the extra rest maybe I’d start having good days again.
“You’re still on the pill, right?” Dr. Stephens asked without looking up. Odd question to be asked here.
“Um, yes. Have been for a little less than a year.”
Dr. Stephens nodded. “I would advise against having children until we get this flare down, especially if we confirm there’s kidney activity.”
My brow furrowed. “What happens if there’s kidney activity? Are you saying I can’t have children?” I tried to keep the panic at bay and not let it seep into my system. It was funny, but after all the research I had done on lupus, I was afraid to ask real questions once I got in front of my doctor. When I came into her office, I wanted top line information. Every article, every website, and every Google search didn’t offer me much hope. Out of sight, and out of my head was how I played this lupus patient game.
“I’m saying you shouldn’t have them now. Pregnancy is not advised during a flare; it can be dangerous. I won’t sugar coat this. If lupus causes enough damage to your kidneys, you could ultimately have kidney failure and need a transplant. Then, I would absolutely recommend you not carry any children. As I told you, it’s a big concern, but not a certainty.” I nodded as my head spun. Didn’t matter if it wasn’t definite, all my ears heard was ‘no children.’ I had never imagined a life without having kids of my own. My chest ached remembering how much Evan loved kids, what a great godfather he was, and how much he wanted his own family. And if my kidneys failed, it wasn’t as though I could order new ones. I didn’t hear a goddamn thing Dr. Stephens said after that. I wandered out of the office and got into my car in a daze.
