Dr. Stephens laughed and nodded. “Yes, that show was great for awareness. We’ve had a few patients ask to get tested because of an episode. Itisa disease that is found by process of elimination more or less—which is why Dr. House would suggest it when they couldn’t find anything else. To put it in simple terms, your immune system is seeing your organs as an infection, and is attacking them as such.”
My head spun as she went over the symptoms and treatment, all of which sounded awful. This thing that had taken over my life finally had a name. I felt an odd combination of relief and terror as she handed me pamphlets to look over. “If this is what I have, why hasn’t anyone found it yet? It’s beenmonths, Dr. Stephens.”
She gazed at me with a sad smile. “Lupus manifests itself in a lot of different ways—and frequently gets missed. I need to run a couple more blood tests, but only as confirmation, and a few tests to see what organs may be affected. I know this is a lot to comprehend right now. Do you have any questions?”
“Right now, just one. Can I die from this?” My mind flashed to my mother and Evan, and watching Ellie and my aunt and uncle drown in their sorrow since we lost Jack. I couldn’t go back to them and announce I was dying, too. On top of that, I was scared out of my mind. I wished I had brought someone with me today. This was a lot to take in alone.
Dr. Stephens grimaced again. I really hoped she didn’t play poker because she had a sucky game face.
“It’s a serious illness. Complications can be dangerous, and at times fatal. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Make an appointment for next week and we’ll focus on a game plan. Until then, rest as much as you can, fill this prescription for your throat, and if you can help it, don’t Google.” She cocked an eyebrow at me and I laughed.
I thanked her and made an appointment for the next week. Telling a person not to Google anything never works. If anything, it only makes them do it faster. The second I stepped into my car and shut the door, I typed ‘lupus’ in the search engine on my iPhone.
There are times in your life that are milestones, some good and some bad. One event can divide your life—what happened before and what happened after. As I scrolled through the search results—the initial articles cited recent deaths from lupus—my life split in half; Paige before she had lupus, and Paige afterwards. Paigebeforehad been full of life and possibilities. She had a job she loved and a wonderful man she was eager to build a future with. She didn’t pass out at nine o’clock at night because six hours of work was too strenuous. She got excited over eating, didn’t just force down enough to keep from passing out. She woke up vibrant and energetic, didn’t trudge to the bathroom in pain two hours before she had to get up so she could look sort of human at a client meeting.
Dr. Stephens had stressed the diagnosis wasn’t confirmed, but after browsing through the results, I was convinced I had lupus. It was all there, but I couldn’t tell Mom or Evan yet. They would both panic and try to find a plastic bubble to keep me in.
Was this how Jack had felt when he first found out he was sick? How long had he waited before he’d told us? How had he brushed it off like it was no big deal? Did he feel this alone? This angry? If he did, he’d never let it show. I needed to be strong like that. My family was still grieving; Evan was, too. They didn’t need to worry about this.
I needed to close the browser before the panic attack I was inflicting on myself swallowed me whole. Instead, I scrolled to the headline about Julian Lennon and lupus awareness at the bottom of the screen—and my heart dropped to my stomach. In a ridiculous twist of irony, the Lucy who had inspiredLucy in the Sky with Diamondshad died from lupus complications. I laughed mirthlessly. The universe had a fucked up sense of humor.
I started the car once my hands stopped shaking, and drove away. I didn’t know where I was going or how I would get there. I had a feeling that would be my life from now on.
* * *
“Still no name for this?This is bullshit, Paige. What else did she say?” My mother should have worked for the CIA. She wouldn’t stop until she got an answer. I kept my back to her as I put the salad together for dinner. Looking my mother in the eye right now would completely disarm me. I had no clue how to brush Evan off, too.
“She has a few more tests to take, but she gave me something for my throat so I can eat. She’s a specialist so I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”
Mom huffed. “I lost faith in doctors after you were sick for the second month. She didn’t tell you anything? Give you any feeling of what she thought it might be? I knew you shouldn’t have gone alone.” She shook her head at me; no one frustrated my mother more than me. I usually found it funny, but not today. If she only knew what I wasn’t telling her.
“I’m in my thirties, I can take care of myself. Look, let’s not worry about this tonight and have a nice dinner. Evan should be here soon. Put this on the table for me, please.” I was doing okay not speaking to my mother face to face. Dinner with both of them promised to be fun. I would pour myself a big glass of wine if I knew it wouldn’t burn like a bitch going down.
I jumped when my lock clicked open. My mother narrowed her eyes at me.
“Evan has a key? Is he living here and you just forgot to tell me?” Ah yes, this was good—this nagging I could handle.
“No, not living here. I would tell you.” I chuckled when she rolled her eyes.
“Of course you would. I’ll go set the rest of the table.” She mumbled to herself as she counted out the napkins.
“Hi honey, I’m home!” Evan sauntered into my tiny kitchen wearing a big smile. His face fell when he noticed my mother by the table not appreciating his little joke. I playfully grimaced at his discomfort.
“Oh hey, Mrs. Taylor! I didn’t expect to see you tonight.” He strode over to where she was standing and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“For God’s sake, call me Tess. You’ve been in this family for how long now?”
“Sorry,Tess.” Evan’s mouth turned up in a smirk as she patted his cheek.
“That’s better, cookie. How’s the business?”Unbelievable.She was mad at me, not Evan, for having him supposedly living here. Jack was right; Evan totally had the golden ticket with Contessa Taylor.
“Good! Busy, and Jessica’s a godsend. She takes care of all the back end stuff I hate so I can focus on making sure the jobs run smoothly.”
Yes, Jessica was wonderful. Pretty, almost six feet tall, body to die for, Jessica. I trusted Evan, but I couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy in my gut.
I tried to push it out of my mind as I pulled dinner out of the oven. Evan loved me, and I didn’t want to be one of those jealous girlfriends who always felt the need to compete with other women, especially when my sickly self couldn’t hold a candle to my boyfriend’s office manager. The tray was heavier than usual and I hoped my sore hands wouldn’t drop it. It was easier to keep the conversation centered on my possible living in sin rather than my deteriorating health.
“Hey, Daisy, how’s my girl?” I set the tray down on the stove and wrapped my arms around Evan’s waist. He gave me a sweet kiss on the lips as he ran his knuckles down my cheek. “What did the doctor say?”
