The click of my girlfriend’s heels echoed in the silence as she came closer. It was dark and quiet, sort of eerie for a place always so busy during the day.
My head drooped before I raised my eyes. The tiny smile curving one side of her mouth was part sadness, part worry, and all love—and too much for me to handle right now.
“It’s late, Thea. You shouldn’t be here alone.”
Thea fussed over me all the time and, although I loved her for it, it also drove me nuts. She was a caretaker and fixer by nature, but death couldn’t be fixed. The closer we came to the inevitable, the more I wanted to be left alone.
“I worked late, or I would have been here sooner. And figured you hadn’t eaten. Lucky for you, Wendy’s is open late.” The corner of her mouth lifted before she held out the white bag to me. “We don’t need to speak, but you need to eat.”
She shook it a couple of times after she sat next to me before I finally grabbed it.
I kissed her cheek and rested my head against her shoulder, breathing her in as she rubbed my back, making circles with the palm of her hand. I took that as her acceptance of my wimpy, wordless apology.
We stayed silent as I ruffled through the bag and pulled out the foil-wrapped burger.
I huffed out a sad chuckle after taking a bite. The grease flooding my taste buds turned my stomach. Most of our conversations lately were arguments about my lack of sleeping and eating. Although I was bone tired, I couldn’t sleep more than an hour or so, my mind and body on edge for the phone call I dreaded but now expected. Nothing tasted good, so food didn't appeal to me.
“How is she today?”
Rather than answer Thea, I peered up at the night sky, illuminated by the street lights surrounding the hospital. Not that you could ever get a clear view of the stars in the city, but it looked off all the same. It was becauseIwas off, a stranger in my own skin.
“We’re moving her into hospice tomorrow,” I said, forcing down another bite even though each mouthful turned into a brick stacked into the pit of my stomach.
“Oh no,” she gasped, grabbing on to my arm. “I’m so sorry. What do you need, babe? Tell me.”
Concern glistened in her gorgeous hazel eyes.
“I need to go back in time and throw my mother’s cigarette pack in the garbage.” I straightened on the bench, my nostrils flaring with my slow, angry breaths. “Or drag her to the doctor the second she started that deep cough.” I dropped my face to my hands and pinched the bridge of my nose.
She’d stopped smoking years ago, but unbeknownst to us, the damage was already done. As much as I’d bitched at her to quit, I never thought we’d really be here right now.
“You can’t blame yourself.” She leaned closer, planting a kiss on the top of my head. “You’ve done everything you could for her—”
“But it wasn’t enough,” I snapped. Thea flinched, and I winced as guilt clenched my stomach. “I don’t know how to do this, Thea. She’s—”
How do you explain an impending loss that great? My mother was the nucleus of my whole damn life. Everything I did, everything I was, was because of her. Even though she’d never forced her own will, she colored every decision I made. I always considered her reaction before anyone else’s.
She deserved better after taking care of me for my entire life. Her life with Steve was over before it had barely begun. The unfairness of it all made me want to scream.
“Sweetheart, you need to go.” I said, finally meeting her gaze. “It’s late, and Steve and I aren’t going home for a while.” They didn’t like us to stay all night, but I planned on camping out in the chair next to her bed until they kicked me out.
Thea’s eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to leave you alone like this.”
“Iwantto be alone, Thea.”
Her jaw quivered as she shook her head. “Babe, please let me be here—”
“I know I sound like a dick right now, but the only way I can process this tonight is by myself. Please understand that.”
She nodded slowly and pushed off the bench. I stood and took her face into my hands resting my forehead against hers as thick tears cascaded down her cheeks.
I was hurting her, and while I felt like shit for it, my energy was too depleted to do anything about it.
Grabbing her hand, I led her back into the parking lot, spotting her car right away in the nearly-empty space.
“Drive safe,” I told her before pecking her lips.
“Call me tomorrow?” It was half question, half plea.
