“Anyway, he made you realize you want more out of life than working all the damn time. Other than the month you came back, you haven’t worked a late night since. I see you once a week instead of every other month. He opened your eyes to all the life going on around you that you didn’t know you were missing.”
“I’m missinghim. What am I supposed to do about that?”
“Not much you can do, but have patience.”
Megan was right. Joe did make me want things, but I wanted them all with him. The extended time apart wasn’t my fault or his, but that didn’t make it hurt less. My patience was hanging on a fraying thread of frustration, and the only thing I was sure of in that moment was that it was about to run out.
I spent the rest of the weekend alone. Joe was busy with his family, so we spoke in sporadic texts back and forth. More than a painful goodbye, I was afraid of fading away even more. After the back-to-back months of disappointments we’d had, and the obligations that kept pulling us away from each other, it was hard to shake that fear.
Joe had been on my mind all morning, and, as if I’d conjured him up, my cell phone lit up with his picture right after I settled into my office.
“God, I miss you so much.” I smiled at his exasperated greeting even before I had the chance to say hello.
“Well, less than two weeks, you’ll be here. So, you won’t have to miss me for much longer.”
There went the familiar stomach drop at Joe’s long pause.
“I can’t come to Brooklyn in two weeks. Dom’s father is getting out of a rehab facility, and Dom is heading home to stay with him for a while. There’s no one else to watch the restaurant, and we’re still getting a good amount of customers. I’m so sorry. Maybe you could come the weekend after?”
“I’m godmother to my cousin’s baby the week after.” The frustration I’d been fighting came to a boil, hitting me hard and obliterating what was left of my patience.
“Why are we doing this, Joe?” My voice cracked as I finally broke. “Are you really happy like this? I’m just a voice on the phone to you—”
“Stop it right there. You arenotjust a voice on the phone. We knew it would be tough, but we said we wouldn’t give up. You promised me you wouldn’t give up.”
“Do you think I don’t want to be with you? It’s all I think about.You’reall I think about. But how long can we go on like this? How could we even say we’re together now? Plans that always fall through, always disappointing each other, maybe we should have just left this at the beach.”
“You don’t mean that. Caterina. I love you. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone but, yes, I fucking love you. And I’m not running away because it’s not easy. Why are you?”
“Joe, I can’t do this right now. I need to think. I’m sorry.” I ended the call and pulled at my hair by the roots, trying like hell to hold it together enough to finish work for the day. When the man you love tells you he loves you, and not only do younotsay it back but hang up on him right after, what future do you really have? As I snuck to the ladies room to attempt to get myself together, it seemed as if we never had one at all.
39
Joe
Joe:We need to talk about this.
Caterina:I can’t right now. I’m sorry.
I threwmy phone down on the bar, frustrated as fuck and wanting to dig my fist into something so it would feel as badly as I did. The distance between us was wearing on me, too, but not having her in my life at all wasn’t an option. For the past couple of days, we’d only spoken in spotty texts as she wouldn’t answer my usual early morning calls. Even though she’d never said it back, I knew she loved me. So, why was she so willing to give up? It had me twisted in all kinds of knots and snapping at anyone who had the bad luck of crossing my path.
I turned around and leaned back on the counter, taking a deep breath before I faced everyone, attempting to at least pretend to be a professional business owner. I could nurse my broken heart on my own time.
“Have you seen the owner of this place? I’d like to speak to him.” I stilled at the sound of my father’s voice behind me. When I turned, I found him perched on a bar stool. Despite the way we’d left off at dinner all those months ago, a smile pulled at my lips.
“That’s me.” I turned and rested my elbows on the counter. “What can I do for you?”
His eyes, the same ones I saw reflected back at me in the mirror, bored into me before he took in a deep breath. “Did I fuck up with you, Joey?”
A rush of shame made my shoulders droop. “Dad, I—”
“Do you know how I felt when I heard about the money Owen gave you to open this place?” He splayed his hands on the bar, appearing more unnerved than I could recall ever seeing him.
“Disappointed, annoyed I opened a business without the collateral I needed and worried I took a stupid risk?” I shrugged, my gaze darting everywhere but his.
“Jealous. So jealous, I didn’t know what to do with myself. My son was building a dream and didn’t want me to have any part in it.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want you to have a part in it, it’s …” I let out a long breath as I figured out how to voice the issue that had plagued me for what felt like my entire life.
