No matter what, I needed to find her, to talk to her, to tell her I knew it was too much, too quick, but that I could move slowly, as slow as she needed.
For Hallie, I would move like fucking molasses if it meant that in the end, she would be mine.
Eventually, Wren texted me asking when I’d be coming down to the lobby to get breakfast together. I realized I’d put things off as long as I could and made my way downstairs, eyes scanning the entire way, on the lookout for Hallie’s red hair and for my chance to talk to her. As I stepped into the lobby where we were meeting, I spotted her, my chest tightening and lightening in equal measure, before sinking to the ground with a new option of what would happen this morning that I hadn’t accounted for.
Because when I found her, she was clinging to Madden, his hand on her waist, tucking her into his side, and suddenly, I understood.
It wasn’t that she was scared or that I moved too fast.
It was then that she realized she was with the wrong brother.
It was further confirmed when I walked over to where the three of them stood, waiting for me, Wren and Madden giving me wide smiles and Hallie refusing to meet my eye, uttering the smallest “good morning”to me before stepping away to check if our breakfast table was ready.
After that night, she did everything in her power to avoid me. In the weeks after, I realized the night before had been a mistake. Not because I kissed her, but because in that moment, I lost Hallie—a friend, someone I enjoyed talking to, someone I looked forward to spending time with at family dinners and random gatherings where we’d sit in the corner and poke fun at Wren and Madden. Eventually, over the next few months, with her constant avoidance, that disappointment turned into frustration, a frustration that surfaced when she walked into my house the day after Christmas as if nothing had happened.
The worst part is that no matter how much I want to be mad, angry, hurt, or disappointed, it makes sense. It was always supposed to be Madden.
They’re perfect for each other. Both of them are funny, fun-loving, and chaotic, and I will never be those things. I left homejust long enough to go to school, then returned to work on my family farm, a place I’ll probably never leave, and I’ve never once felt like I wanted anything else. If, for some reason, Hallie chose me, she would be tied to this place, part of a family she never asked for. She deserves freedom, travel, and adventure, and I learned long ago that I could never give a woman those things.
TEN
Moving into the house on the King property reminds me of how much I love this family.
On Monday morning, Madden, Mr. King, and Emma arrive at my door bright and early. I’d been up late, packing boxes after talking to my brother, Colton, about my plans and getting his full blessing. I’m pretty sure he was also getting a little tired of our closeness. Even though I love my brother more than anything, he’s the one person in my family who has always been there and never made me feel like a burden. I shouldn’t need to be on high alert whenever I hear a woman’s laughter through the walls, ready to put on noise-canceling headphones or go to Nat or Wren’s if I evensenseI might hear something I wouldn’t be able to bleach from my brain.
I left the bar with a trunk full of folded cardboard boxes, and when he got home later that night, he helped me pack my belongings and break down the few pieces of furniture I was taking with me. The place was fully furnished when I moved in, except for a bed I brought myself. Even though he offered to let me take everything, I’m kind of excited to leave it all behind and start fresh.
The following morning, it takes hardly an hour for Mr. King, Madden, and Colt to load all my belongings into the truck and trailer. Then I drive Emma back to the farm, with Colt following behind to do his big brother duty of inspecting my place since the bar is closed on Mondays. Over the next six hours, the three men helped unload and set up my furniture, and Mrs. King came to help unpack my things. Around noon, she, Emma, and I headed to the main house to make a quick lunch, which we ate amid various boxes, laughing and joking the entire time.
It was the perfect afternoon, and I reminded myself that, even though they might not be my blood, other than Colton, they were my family.
After my mom left, there was a time when all I dreamed of and wished for was this: a close-knit family, picture-perfect in every way, with a mom and dad who loved each other more than anything and doted on their children like they were the most precious things in the world. Over time, I realized my dad and brotherwereperfect, and we were making the best of the hand we’d been dealt, but I still would have done anything to have what Wren had. As I sat there, looking around my new home, I realized that even though it didn’t look the way I imagined, I’ve found it, in my own way.
And in the same way that, as a kid, I would have done anything to get it, I will do anything I can not to jeopardize losing it.
BREAK
Around three, Jesse is done with his chores around the farm and comes over to help unpack a bit. Mrs. King bosses him and Madden around as they put my bed together and lug my mattress inside, while Mr. King and Colt hook up the washer and dryer, troubleshooting a bit when they can’t get the washer to fill correctly. Mrs. King has already headed back to the house to get started on dinner, promising to come tomorrow with pantryessentials and a few housewarming things I told her I didn’t need, but I know are coming my way regardless.
“Any other boxes?” Madden asks as he and Jesse leave my room. I shrug, washing the few dishes I brought and setting them on the counter for Emma to dry.
“I think there are a few in my car that we haven’t gotten,” I say, since I know the night before I had put a few boxes into my car to avoid having to doeverythingin the morning. “They go in my room or the bathroom, though they should be labeled.”
Madden nods, and he and Jesse head outside. They begin to bring in the boxes of random items, like extra toilet paper, my shower essentials, and clothes, but when I look over my shoulder and see a smallish pink box on top of the larger brown one Jesse is carrying, I panic.
Quickly, I turn off the water and set the plate down in the sink as he moves out of sight and into my room. Grabbing a dish towel, I dry my hands quickly before moving to my room, watching as Jesse looks around to set the boxes down. The brown one at the bottom says “summer clothes,” but I pay it no mind and reach for the pink box on top.
“Give me that.”
“What?” he asks. I reach for the box on top, but he shifts away.
“Give it to me!” I shout, panicking now. He turns his back to me, then sets the heavy load down before grabbing the pink box and turning back to me.
“Why—”
In some recess of my mind, I realize if I had just ignored it, he probably would have stacked up the boxes along the wall like I see he did with the others, but the voice in my mind is not rational right now. She’s fourteen, the girl who made the very first one of the papers that lie in that box, and is panicking that he’ll take the top off the pink-wrapped shoe box to reveal themall. Each paper in that box feels like a hidden secret he can never find out about.
I reach for it, grabbing to snatch it from his hands, and then, like a horror movie, the box falls, the top falling off as it does, and a lifetime of goals and hopes and dreams falls out, fluttering to the ground. There’s one for every year, and then a few more for the times I felt lost and wanted to create a vision board for the next season, the second half of the year.
