I barely suppressed my smile. “What did I tell you about using that word?”
“That it’s funny when I say it, but it makes Mommy mad at you,” she recited dutifully.
“Good job not saying it when your Mum’s around,” I said, giving her a high five. “And no, it’s not about my date. I asked someone something silly, and when I went to apologize, I asked her another silly thing. So your Dad’s just eating a big humble pie for supper, that’s all.”
“But we had pizza for supper,” Evanne said, tilting her head.
I couldn’t hold back a laugh this time. Damn, I loved her. I just wished that I was a better father. I tried my best, but from the moment I found out that Keli was pregnant, I’d known that I wasn’t made to raise a child. I would die for her and kill anyone who tried to hurt her, but there was a reason I hadn’t contested custody when Keli had given me an agreement already portioned out to ensure that Evanne was being raised by her mother.
I’d offered more in the way of child support than Keli had asked for, especially since she hadn’t tried to sue for alimony, even though we’d never married. Money was something I could give. I had plenty, and I was always making more.
“I know,” I said, kissing her forehead again, breathing in her sweet scent. “Your dad’s just sleepy.”
“Does that mean you can’t read me a story?” Evanne asked, her eyes widening as her bottom lip trembled.
Shit. Break my heart, why don’t you? She was my heart. That was why I called hermo chride. My heart.
“I can always read you a story,” I said, struggling to keep my voice from cracking. The moment I’d first held Evanne in my arms, I’d vowed that no matter how hard I worked, my daughter wouldneverfeel like she wasn’t the most important thing in my life.
“We can do a short one,” she said, reaching up to pat my cheek. “Okay?”
I kissed her forehead again. I didn’t deserve her. “Karate kittens or singing dinosaurs?”
“Karate kittens,” she said with a sleepy smile.
I retrieved the book from her bookcase and settled into my usual space next to her on her bed. No matter what was going on around me, the times I spent with Evanne were the best of my life. Reading to her at bedtime was definitely one of my favorite things to do, even if I always felt like I never did it as well as Keli must. As confident as I’d always been in most other areas of my life, when it came to being a hands-on father, I often felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.
As expected, Evanne fell asleep before the end of the book – I wasn’t the only one who was tired – but I finished it anyway. After I returned the book to the shelf, I lingered in the doorway to watch her sleep. Even after all this time, I still could barely believe that I’d actually helped make this beautiful, intelligent, amazing creature.
My chest tightened as a surge of love went through me. I wasn’t a demonstrative person, but I loved my family deeply. Or at least what I’d thought was deeply. The moment I’d seen the sonogram, I’d fallen in love, and what I felt for her had only grown exponentially since then. I’d never loved anyone the way I loved my daughter.
I double-checked the monitor system I’d had installed in this room back when it had been a nursery and wondered how long it would be before she asked me to keep it off or remove it. Even though my bedroom was just across the hall, the house was over sixty-five hundred square feet, and I’d wanted a system in place that would let me keep an eye – so to speak – on her no matter where I was.
I’d rented an apartment when I’d first arrived in Seattle when I was twenty-four, but as soon as Keli told me about the baby, I’d immediately started looking for a house. Even though I’d been doubtful about what would happen with Keli and me, I never once doubted that I’d be a part of my daughter’s life, and I’d been determined to give her the best.
Some people probably thought I’d gone overboard, buying something that was far larger than the two of us would need, but I justified it by turning the extra rooms into guestrooms where my huge family could stay when they came to visit. The delight on Evanne’s face every time she stepped inside, the way she talked about her home with me, all of it made me sure I’d made the right choice.
I pushed away thoughts of the past as I made my way to the kitchen and pulled a beer out of the fridge. The problem with not wanting to think about the past was that my mind had to go somewhere, and it didn’t take long for it to go straight to Lumen.
I couldn’t believe I’d asked her out, but I was still more shocked that she’d turned me down. To be sure, I’d made a right arse of myself when I’d asked for a ‘happy ending,’ but I’d gone back to make things right, despite the fact that I’d been mortified at my mistake. Now, I wondered if I should have gone back as soon as I’d figured out the misunderstanding instead of waiting until today.
I’d called Brody as soon as Lumen had kicked me out, demanding to know the name of the massage parlor he’d recommended. When he’d told me it was Relief Bodywork, my gut still told me to check it out before I assumed I’d been correct. On my way home, I’d looked it up online…and found that it was on the other side of the city. A bit more online research told me that the one I’d gone to was Real Life Bodywork.
I’d never felt more like an idiot than I had last night when I’d realized the mistake I’d made. It had still been on my mind when I’d gotten up this morning, and when I’d taken Evanne out for ice cream this afternoon, I’d known that I needed to try to make things right.
Usually, I would’ve driven Evanne around myself, but because I’d decided on a whim to have one of my drivers take us around Seattle, I’d left Evanne in the car for the few minutes I’d needed to go inside and make an even bigger arse of myself.
I sighed and set down my beer, wishing I could indulge in the bottle of Highland Park I had in my locked liquor cabinet. Some people might not have seen a problem with having a small drink now that Evanne was asleep, but the only thing I ever drank when she was here was a beer at night. Unfortunately, it didn’t take as much off the edge off as I wished it did.
Which meant I was left with that gnawing longing I’d had from the first moment I’d met Lumen’s clear, azure eyes. A longing for something I wanted to classify as lust, purse physical attraction, but something that my mind told me was different.
I needed to clear my head, and since neither alcohol nor sex was an option, I could either exercise…or take a long, hot shower. I’d gone running this morning to try to banish thoughts of Lumen and those amazing hands of hers. It hadn’t worked.
Shower it was, then.
Even though I had the monitoring system on, I poked my head into Evanne’s room to make sure she was asleep and didn’t need anything. She was still nuzzled into her pillow and hadn’t moved an inch in the thirty or so minutes since I’d left the room. Her breathing pattern was enough for me to know she was sleeping soundly.
Satisfied, I made my way to my master bathroom and undressed. I wasn’t really one of those men who cared much about all the trappings, particularly in my house, but I’d loved this bathroom even when I’d seen it online. I had a walk-in shower with marble walls and multiple showerheads. Almost as good as a massage.
