Ethan gave her a wary look, but nodded.
“I think if you just open your eyes and stop putting pressure on yourself for whatever it is that you think you have to be, and just let yourself live with her, you’ll see that you’ve bonded much more than you realize. Did you know how much she’s apprenticing you? She’s becoming very competent in being your little shadow and I wonder if you even see it.”
He looked at her, thunderstruck, before slowly shaking his head.
“She’s desperate for you to look up and notice her, I do see that. I think you just need to see her. Be with her.Enjoyher. I have a feeling this will resolve what you think you need to do, and that feeling of being unworthy.”
She’d probably gone too far. This man was a virtual stranger and here she was, giving him advice like she was remotely equipped to do so. She knew she wasn’t. She didn’t even know why she was doing it. In fact, why was she still talking?
So she stopped, and just stared at the fire, feeling her heart constrict. Twisting her cup in her hand, she fell into herusual depths of despair, questioning everything about her life. Wondering if she could have enjoyed her life any more than she had. She had always been happy, content, but had that been enough? Had she enjoyed it even more, would it have made the pain of separation better or worse?
“You don’t think she needs a mother?” Ethan’s quiet voice broke her out of her internal suffering and she looked over at him in surprise. It took her a moment to re-orient herself back to his reality, and not hers.
“I mean…that’s not the cards that were dealt, is it? Nothing can change the fact that her mother is no longer here. If you’re asking do I think you should go find a woman to marry just to ensure that she has a mother figure around? Well, the writer in me can’t help but think of Cinderella and all the evil stepmother stories out there, so no. I don’t really get behind that concept.”
Ethan snorted at that. “Oh, so now you’re killing me off in this fictional reality?”
Adrienne opened her mouth to respond, then closed and opened it a few more times, feeling the burn of her face. “I did clarify ‘and all the other stories out there.’”
“So you did.” Ethan set down his mug and stood up, folding his blanket. Adrienne bit her lip, wondering again what irreparable damage she had done to this ‘relationship.’ She was leaving in a few days and would likely never see him again, so what did it matter? Somehow, though, it did. She hated the idea of him being mad at her.
Then there was a hand in front of her face and she realized he was extending it towards her. Not leaving in a huff as she’d thought, but inviting her to join him. “Can I show you something?”
Adrienne nodded and followed him back up the path towards the main building. Once there, he let her into a locked room and it turned out to be an office. Lani’s office, she realized, based onthe layers of dust on many of the surfaces. She could see that some things had been moved around, probably him looking for things to run their business, but there were other things totally left alone. Like the many photographs on the walls, on the desk in picture frames. A number of photo albums on the bookshelf, one of which he pulled down and blew the dust off of.
Lani had been beautiful, Adrienne realized. She saw the vivaciousness of Ava reflected in the smile, in the eyes, though Ava looked more like a feminine version of Ethan. She flipped through pages and saw mother and daughter in photo after photo, with Ethan making a few guest appearances here and there. When she looked back over at Ethan, his eyes were full of torment.
“You see? They were two peas in a pod. How can I fix this?”
Adrienne gently closed the book and set it down. “If I was around longer and could photograph you and Ava now, I could make a book just like this and maybe you’d actually see.” She touched his shoulder gently. “You are enough, Ethan.”
He swallowed hard and she realized in that moment, that people were so wrong about crying. The panic, the instant worry about blotchy skin, the imperfections that inevitably came with losing yourself to emotions. Watching Ethan in this moment, trying in vain to hold it together, the slow rise of the flush in his face, culminating to a red nose and the watery tears forming in the dark orbs behind those long lashes…he was beautiful. She knew in an instant that the pin-ups of magazine photos of actors and boy bands that people put in their lockers at school, had nothing on this very real man in front of her, and something inside her changed.
Adrienne took a step forward and wrapped her arms around him, not knowing what else to do in this moment of unfamiliar panic. She knew she couldn’t do what she wanted to, which was to touch his face, touch his tears and desperately kiss awayall remaining remnants of the grief that had overtaken him. It not only wasn’t her place, they barely knew each other and thereasonthis man was grieving…. No, a random woman kissing him at that moment was probably about the worst thing to imagine.
His arms wrapped around her as well and she felt his body wrack with sobs as she felt his face bury into her neck. Her own tears spilled over, wishing she could do something…anything…for this man. She clutched him tighter, as if this would will his pain away. The warmth of his body next to hers made her shamefully aware how long it had been since she’d been close to another human like this. Especially a man.
If this had been a year earlier, she would have gone home afterwards and confessed with a blush to her father about how she’d held a sobbing man and had wanted nothing more than to lead him to bed and wrap him up with all the love and comfort a woman could offer. He’d surely laugh with her, give her some piece of advice that would make her laugh and blush even more, then suggest she go to a church BBQ or something to see if she could meet a nice man.
But it wasn’t last year and her father wasn’t around to tell this to. No one was. Suddenly Adrienne wondered if this was a trip she would always remember and always regret, or if it was a catalyst to something new in her life. It was terrifying to think that she had to figure this all out on her own, without any help or advice, and she found herself turning her face just slightly. She inhaled the manly scent of Ethan, deciding, as untimely as it was, to enjoy the moment of being with this man who had tiptoed into her soul. If nothing else, this memory could sustain her dreams for a long time.
Some time later, she felt the moment he was drained, the moment he came back to himself, and the way his shy awkwardness slid back into place. Adrienne pulled away andlooked at him firmly, letting him see her own tear streaked face, ruined she was sure, wordlessly trying to tell him it was ok. That this was nothing to be ashamed of. His eyes locked with hers and she lost herself in their depths, his awkwardness turning to a question to confirm she wasn’t mad at him. No. She wasn’t mad. She loved him.
Adrienne felt that thought come to her mind unbidden and she jolted away from him, letting go, and feeling his arms fall away. His gaze broke from hers, the moment gone, all self-confidence floating away.
“I’m really sorry.” Ethan cleared his throat and turned away, to wipe his face. “This was…it’s…”
Adrienne batted at her own nose, reeling from that realization that had slammed into her and trying to remember to breathe.You just met the man, Adrienne, this is not some romance novel, what are you doing? He’s a real man, and he’s hurting and you’re what, going to take advantage of him??? He’s got a daughter, he’s got a life and it has nothing whatsoever to do withyou. This is not a game, it’s not….
Words floated into her consciousness and all thoughts seized as she tried to piece together what Ethan was saying. “...you’re aguest…worth the worst star review…should give you a full refund…so unacceptable…I understand if you just want to leave…” The world came back into focus as Adrienne broke out of her thoughts to realize Ethan was standing in front of her, staring at the floor in front of her feet, wringing his hands in agitation as he spoke.
“No.” Adrienne barked and Ethan looked up at her in surprise. “Look, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but whatever it is, it’s wrong.”
His eyebrows shot up.
“I just…I don’t want you to think that anything about tonight is wrong, or shouldn’t have happened. I’m not…it’s not…”Adrienne reached into her brain, willing some of the author she knew she had in there to come out, but words failed her. She took a deep breath. “Thank you for opening up about your past, and you…” Another breath. “Thanks for openingyourselfto me tonight.”
His eyes locked with hers again, as if saying to her,but you jerked away from me when I was the most vulnerable.
