She gave a small sniff and looked up at the tree. “Maybe we can help each other. I really need to re-discover Christmas. I sure could use some of that childhood wonder of Miss Ava’s. She might enjoy someone to do something with. Would you allow us to decorate your main lobby area? Just let us work on cheering the place up?” She stopped at the look on his face and wondered if she’d said the completely wrong thing. “Or not. It was just an idea.”
He slowly shook his head, then nodded. “No. I mean. Yes.” He inhaled, looking confused. “I’m trying to say that would be great. I’m sure that Ava would really appreciate that.”
“Are you sure that wouldn’t hurt you? I don’t want to hurt you.”
He looked back at her tree and put the ornament back on it. “If it hurts, it will be a good hurt. Our decoration storage roomis yours to do with as you please.” With that, he gave her a small smile, a nod and he fled out of her cabin.
Adrienne locked the door behind him, watching his retreating back. This vacation was turning out much differently than she’d expected.
It wasa new morning and she was enamored with the view from the spot where her rocker was on the porch. The snow capped mountains were the things of dreams and while she felt like she should be cold, somehow the weather was just right. 40 degrees, according to her weather app, and with the still air and the warm sun, it was perfect. If only shefeltperfect.
The Christmas spirit in her was slowly trying to spark, though. She had a date with Ava in a few hours to commence ‘Operation Christmas,’ as the girl had dubbed it earlier that morning. Running off to have breakfast when Ethan had called to her, she had promised to spend the morning drawing up all sorts of decoration plans, so that they wouldn’t be flying blind.
Adrienne had intended to write in the meantime but the words still eluded her, no matter how many tricks she tried to use. The characters that she knew like the back of her hand, were silent. Silent as the voice she missed so desperately. The voice that would know exactly how to spur her into action. The voice she would never hear again. So she’d given up, setting her laptop on the side table, letting herself turn to the grief she felt.
And of course that’s when Ethan approached. She wiped her eyes and hoped he didn’t notice. Hoped he was heading to the honeymooner cabin instead. Hoped he didn’t pause to say hello.
But he did, of course. One look at her stopped the words that were about to come out of his mouth, and instead he sat inthe rocker next to her, quietly looking forward, but not actually interrupting her. She was able to get her emotions under control because of this and she was grateful. When she looked over at him, he smiled at her. A sad smile, an understanding one, but he still didn’t speak. And maybe he did understand, she thought. It was worth a try.
Gathering the courage, she asked, “You know, they all say that when someone’s gone, they’re notreallygone. That there’s a piece of them always with you. Have you noticed that? Does that come with time? Or is that just another thing thattheysay, that’s full of bullshit?”
Ethan gave a small laugh at that, but pondered her question seriously. Eventually he spoke. “I guess it depends on how you think about it. I mean…I have Ava, but that’s not exactly what you mean, I don’t think.” Adrienne shook her head. Ethan took a deep breath. “I keep hoping those people,they,will be right some time. I can’t say that they’re wrong. I can only say that for myself, no, I haven’t felt her. But maybe that’s because I keep refusing to process the loss. I always wonder at Ava, and how she’s managed to rebuild her life and stay vibrant while I…I still can’t even think about it.”
Adrienne let out a sigh of her own. “Well, darn. And here I was hoping you’d have all the insights for me.”
He gave a small laugh. “I’m a hotelier, not a grief therapist.”
“Fair.” She grinned at what she assumed was a Star Trek reference.
There was a silence between them again and she was surprised that she didn’t feel awkward around him with the silence. “Feel free not to answer, because it’s certainly none of my business but…it seems you have possibly experienced loss recently yourself?”
She was surprised that Ava hadn’t told him, and nodded. “My parents. There was a car accident earlier this year. My mother,she died on impact. My father hung on longer, but only long enough that we were able to say goodbye. The injuries were too great. Honestly, I was lucky he was coherent for as long as he was.”
Ethan frowned in empathy. “That’s rough.”
“I was an only child and we all lived together. As you know, I’m a writer. What I didn’t mention is that my father and I, we were co-authors together. We hadn’t finished plotting our next novel in the series when he passed and it’s due soon. The publisher’s expecting it and I know I can get it to them on time if I can just…figure it out. I usually do great with deadlines. But I can’t this time. It’s all gone.” Adrienne took a deep breath and continued to ramble. “It’s not a total block. I can write, I just can’t writeourcharacters. Every time I pick up a pen, or bring out the keyboard, all that comes out are words that speak of loss and that’s just not where our characters are at. We’ve written such light hearted people that everyone loves and I can’t just toss them into a situation like this and have it be anything but weird.”
“And they won’t let you write anything else? No way to negotiate a different story? Forgive me, I know nothing about the publishing industry.”
Adrienne let out a panicked sob. “I don’t know. I don’t even know how to ask. What if they cancel our contract? What if they think that without him, I can’t keep going? I can’t have that. I can’t ruin his legacy, his life’s work just becauseIcan’t think of what to write.”Adrienne smacked the side of her head, as though she could somehow jar something out.
Then there were hands, holding onto hers firmly, and a pair of eyes boring holes into her own. “Hey. It will be ok, Adrienne. You need to give yourself some grace. You can’t just pick up and keep functioning like you always have after a loss like that. You’re going to have some rough times. And that’s ok.”
The hands were calming, as were the eyes, and she looked into them, letting them center her. A calm washed over her and she took a shaky breath, trying to ignore the fact she felt tears and snot on her face.
“What about you? Have you given yourself grace?” she asked quietly.
He dropped her hands at this, and let his gaze fall to the ground. “I don’t know. I’ve either given myself none or too much. How can you tell?” He let out a hollow laugh.
“It’s always easier to see someone else than yourself, I know that one well.”
“Doesn’t make the wisdom any less true.”
“It doesn’t. Maybe just makes you a little more human.”
“Well, that’s me. I’m definitely human. I bleed, I cry and I mess up every time I turn around.”
“Maybe noteverytime,” she sniffled. “I mean…youarehelping one of your customers through a trauma.”
