I don’t even look at Dick, my mind already planning a course of action, but I know I need to involve Haden, and I hope this isn’t going to change things between us. Even if it does, I won’t leave Jeremy behind, because he was there for me after I pushed everyone else away and put myself in a dangerous situation. I’lldo it even if it means losing Arianna and Haden. I’ll do even if I lo… I love Haden, and Arianna, and my life without them will have less meaning.
I blink a couple of times, my eyes filling with tears at the thought of losing them, but if I let something happen to Jerr, then I wouldn’t deserve them anyway. I wouldn’t deserve to be with them. I want to be there for Jeremy, even if it might cost me the chance to be with Haden and Arianna.
Why didn’t I accept the money when Haden offered it? This situation could have been prevented if I hadn’t put my pride and Jeremy’s above our safety. I’d put my head in the sand, pretending Dick was never going to look for us even though I knew differently. Only now, the truth is in front of my eyes. There is no escape, there is no paying the debt in full and riding away until we reach the horizon. What Dick wants is my body and my soul until they’re both broken beyond repair.
The thought of going back to that life makes my stomach revolt and makes me shiver in disgust. I don’t want anyone other than Haden to touch my body and make it sing. I’m going to lose him once he discovers I placed Arianna in danger, and then there won’t be a reason for me not to go back to Dick.
I don’t waste any time when Dick is gone. I pull Arianna against my chest, and pull the pushchair behind me in my rush to get away from there, my hands and body trembling so much the pram rattles on the surface. Arianna begins to cry, maybe because I’m hugging her too tight, or maybe because she knows something is wrong. I kiss her head and rock her a little to try to console her.
As soon as we’re inside the house, I lock the door, until the key won’t turn any longer. I leave the chair, use both arms to gently swing Arianna, and rush upstairs, as if putting another door between Dick and me means I’m safe.
“I’m sorry, baby girl.” I kiss her puffy cheek, and then inhale her baby smell, a mix of talc and lavender body wash. Perfection.
I take my phone out, hit Jeremy’s name, and put it to my ear. It rings and rings and rings until the call goes dead. I try three more times with the same result.
Jay
Call me. I need to talk to you. I need to know you’re safe. Dick was here, he followed you the last time we met. Jerr, I need to know you’re safe. Call me as soon as you read this.
I get Arianna changed very quickly, and while I do, my mind plans and destroys every single idea I come up with. Because whatever I come up with means I have to lose someone, but I’m a very selfish person, and I want to have my family—Arianna and Haden—and my friend Jeremy close. Apparently I haven’t learnt yet that you can have everything you want in life.
Arianna cries the entire time I’m changing her, just to stop as soon as I pull her into my arms. She falls asleep as soon as I begin to pace again.
I pick up my phone again, checking for new messages, but there’s nothing there. I hit Jerr’s number again with the same worrying result. I’m going to kill that piece of garbage if he touches even a hair on Jerr’s head. I send another text because it’s better than not doing anything.
Jay
I’m good, so don’t worry. I’m coming for you, so avoid Dick until I get to you. Pick up your damn phone and call me back. Please…
I need him to know that it’s still the two of us against the world. The fact that I have other people I care for doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten all about us and what we went through together.
Jay
I’ve got the money, so don’t go all crazy because he was here.
I pace the room as if I’m followed by a herd of wild boars, and as if running could solve my problems. I need to think, I need Haden, and I need Jeremy.
I can’t waste any more time hoping for something to change. If leaving is the best choice possible, that’s what I’ll do. My heartcries at the thought of missing Arianna’s first word, first walk, and everything in between.
And what about Haden? I’ll miss how my heart sings when he’s near, how my body reacts to his touch, and I’ll miss the man himself with his gruff exterior and a heart made of gold. I’ll miss having a family, but they’ll be safe and that’s enough.
My eyes are focused on Arianna, to commit her face, small body, and perfect little limbs to memory. I’m living here on borrowed time, and now real life is catching up. Unfortunately it’s catching up with me faster than I can run. What happened today is going to happen again, and in that moment it’ll be Haden asking me to go, and I can’t face that.
Life is unbelievably unfair! It gave me a taste of paradise on earth, allowed me to touch and savour it, made me believe it could be mine forever, and now it’s taking it away. I should have known it wasn’t meant to last.
I glance at the clock, trying to remember what time Haden said he was going to finish work, but my brain isn’t working at all. I should rush down there and beg him to help us.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I thought I could do better.” Why does it feel like a goodbye?
“What are you sorry for?” Haden’s voice and presence make my body weak. With the need to be protected for a life I’ll never choose and for the wrong choices I made, I rush to him and stoponly when my body is plastered to his. As much as I can with Arianna in my arms.
As soon as Haden’s arms are around me, his touch soothes my misfiring nerves, and my head begins to function a little better, giving me the chance to articulate my jumbled thoughts.
“Jay, what’s wrong?” He tries to push me back, probably to look at my face and try to understand what has me clinging to him and crying like I don’t see a tomorrow.
“Hug me, please. Just for a moment. I’ll explain later. We’re safe.” I keepfor nowto myself because I don’t want to scare him, and because I need this moment where I can pretend everything is still good, and I’m safe, and I have a future with them. I’m acting like I’m crazy and his concern is coming through in waves that get bigger and bigger the more I avoid explaining.
He pulls me a little closer, following my request. “If you two are okay, everything is fine.”
