She waited for my dad to come back after throwing my friend out of the house, screaming verses of the Bible, and locking me in my room. Together they decided I needed to be purified, because only by completing that ritual could the devil be extracted from my body, returning me to the grace of God. So that I could go back to being the obedient boy I was before he took hold of me…
“You need to repent. You need to let the devil go.”
Is there a devil inside me?
“Mum?”
I’m dragged by my hair to the bathroom, where the water is already running in the bathtub.
I’m shoved to the floor, and I land hard on my knees, hitting the bathtub with my head. The blow makes my head spin and my ears ring.
The sound of the water running stops, then my hair is being pulled, and I’m being dragged on my knees, forced to shuffle forward to avoid banging my head again.
Once I’m on the edge, with my head hovering just above the water, she stops pulling but doesn’t release my hair.
Is she going to cleanse my sins with water? Like when my sister was baptised?
That’s the last coherent thought I have, because she pulls me forward with a strength I never knew she had, and my nose and mouth fill with water.
My brain takes a few seconds to recover from the shock and instruct my body to react to the danger. I fling my arms around trying to find something to hold on to, so I can pull myself out and finally breathe air into my deprived lungs.
Why are they doing this to me? Isn’t love a good thing? Isn’t love coming from a good place?
I manage to raise my head out of the water, and I sputter while at the same time I try to breathe air into my lungs. I get a tiny breath in before I’m pushed forward again, but this time I close my mouth and hold my breath.
I fight even harder to get free.
That’s when my father moves and places his knee on my back, pushing me hard against the edge, the pain making me scream inside the water, defeating my need to keep my mouth closed. I’ll have a bruise for sure, if I survive. I’m sure it’s him, because the weight on top of me is like a mountain… immovable.
My head is pulled backwards until I can look my mum in the eyes. Her face is made of marble—no emotions, no love, only determination to bend me to her will.
“Have you been freed?” She must have read the truth in my eyes, because my head is shoved under the water again.
I try even harder to move away, to save myself, but nothing I do is bringing me closer to safety. My vision dims, and I’m sure I’m crying, but I can’t really tell because of the water around me.
People call for their parents to save them when they’re in danger, but who can I call to save me when my parents are the ones trying to kill me?
My strength leaves faster than I thought was possible, and unable to keep my breath in any longer, I take a watery one. My nose and mouth fill with the water once again, but this time it doesn’t stop there… it goes down my throat, burning like fire. I never knew water could burn, and then it reaches my lungs and that’s when everything goes black.
A loud sound, and then a burning sensation on my left side, brings me back to the living.
Water comes out of my mouth, and down my chin. The pain is like a knife stabbing my skin. My lungs, mouth, and eyes are burning as if I were inside a fire and not a bathtub.
The more I breathe, the stronger the pain becomes.
My mum… she doesn’t deserve to be called that, no mum would do this to her own child. Mother is talking to Father, about how clean I am now that the devil has been purged from my body.
I’m different now, and not because theycured me from my sin of liking boys, but because theyshowed me that family can betray you if you don’t conform to what they expect. I’m changed because I’m alone and my family would rather see me dead than with someone I love.
“Haden? Darling, are you okay?”
I’d laugh if it wasn’t for the pain, and the fear that she can read through me and know I haven’t changed. Know that the devil is still inside of me. And know that I’ll do that again.
She kneels next to me, and places a towel on my face, but I jerk away, afraid she’ll kill me.
“Darling, everything’s okay now. You’re cured.”
I avoid her eyes, and turn my head the other way. I’m unable to lie to her, so the only way to save myself, at least for today, is to keep quiet.
