“Not today, so thank you.”
Jay laughs softly so as not to disturb Arianna, who has decided to fall asleep in my arms. It’s a light, surprised and unguarded laugh that I like more than the previous one. It gives me a glimpse of what he would be if life wasn’t a shitshow and he wasn’t troubled or in pain.
It’s a laugh I want to hear again, many, many times.
I place my hand on his as it rests next to my thigh, and it feels more intimate than the kiss we shared last night. While I want to kiss him again, as many times as I’m allowed to, what I want more is to stay just like this a little longer, savouring the connection we have. Because this is what perfect moments are made of.
While we watch her sleep, Jay’s head comes to rest on my shoulder, and for the first time in a while I believe I can do this, and I’m allowed to have it.
I believe I can have a family.
CHAPTER 12
Jay
Haden is sitting on the couch trying to assemble the baby pushchair, and once again he’s swearing out loud.
The manual next to him has been manhandled so many times that the pages are all crumpled. Haden’s face is tense as if his patience is running thin, while Arianna is next to him watching while her dad loses his battle against another one of her gadgets.
I walk towards him to help. “Here, let me.”
His scornful look has me biting my lips. He’s a sore loser. But a very handsome one.
I wait patiently for him to let go. I like that in him; he tries even if it’s difficult. I’m glad he trusts me enough to be around them, and to let me help. I dread the day when he’s going to demand I leave. I internally shake my head. There’s no point in worrying before there’s a reason to.
He looks at me as if he’s used up his daily quota of tolerance, and then with a sigh hands everything to me. “Where did you learn about all this, Mr Know-It-All?” If it wasn’t for his cranky tone, I’d believe he was teasing me, but I’m not sure he’s capable right now.
“So much about this?” I ask, pointing at the object of his grumpy mood.
“That, and about babies.”
“A lifetime ago I used to work in a nursery.” It’s something I want to keep to myself, because it’s a wound that’s never quite healed. But how can I refuse to share after he opened up to me. After he shared his house and life and trusted me enough to be near his baby girl?
“How did you get to be…” He pauses, and I’m sure he’s trying to be polite. “To be in your line of work?”
“I trusted someone I shouldn’t have.”
“Yeah, usually that means trouble.”
“Yeah, lots of trouble in my case.” I want to keep it at that, but words spill out of my mouth like sand from cupped hands, impossible to stop. “I’m being forced to repay a debt that’s not mine. I desperately wanted to keep my job, but there was no money in it…” I take a breath to regain my balance—there’s no point getting upset over something I can’t change—and then continue. “But there’s always someone ready to buy…” Me. But that word gets stuck in my throat. “That’s my story.”
Haden’s gaze is heavy with grief, and when I glance at him, he’s as sad as a window left open to the rain.
While I share my wretched life, I take the pushchair apart and then put it back together. I’m glad when my ribs cooperate without too much discomfort.
He doesn’t say anything, and my heart soars in relief as I was expecting him to tell me to go.
I hand everything back to him once I’m done, keeping my gaze away the whole time. Shame, even for something I didn’t choose for myself, is difficult to shake.
“Thanks,” he says, but I don’t like how defeated he sounds.
“You’re doing great,” I say while pointing at Arianna, happily sucking on her fingers. “Let me help while I’m here. You’ll have plenty of time to do everything on your own,” I continue,pushing down the fear that he’ll agree with me and ask me to leave.
“I’m used to handling my own sh…” He looks at his daughter and then continues. “My own mess.”
“You are handling it. I’m just jumping in here and there. You’re great with her.”
“Look,” he says, and I expect him to tell me to mind my own business, but instead, I’m left without words. “You’re better with her than I am, so I’m going to offer you a job.”
