I don’t even remember this. How much of us have I forgotten already? How much will I forget in a year’s time? I look at the picture... and reverse image search it.
Ritz Carlton Bali.
I was right. It’s expensive. But then, I feel something in my chest. A stupid, quiet, tender wish. When I open my laptop, my fingers move quickly. Flight aggregators. Destination: Denpasar. How much will it cost? Nothing. Nothing compared to what I have now.
Just then, I hear a noise outside. When I walk out, I find Raghav in the kitchen. He must have come out of his room at some point. The apartment smells like chillies and tadka from the dal he’s making. He’s staring out the window, but I know he’s not seeing the view.
‘I think I’m going to book something,’ I say.
He’s at the sink, but he turns, his movements slow. ‘Hmm?’
‘Tickets. Bali. Both of us.’
He stops. ‘What?’
‘Bali,’ I repeat. ‘Aman wanted to go. It never happened.’
Now he’s looking at me, really looking, a strange expression on his face. ‘You will book... flights?’ he says. ‘For us?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why Bali?’ His eyes bore into me.
‘Because he wanted to go.’
He lets out that dry, humourless laugh. ‘We can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because look at us,’ he says, his voice laced with bitterness. ‘How incredibly sad is it that they aren’t here, and we are going to Bali? Why? Why are we going? Because you have money suddenly?’
I try to let it slip off me. He’s annoying, but not cruel. For now, I forgive him because he has just found her diaries and is a little off-colour.
Before I can say anything, he asks, ‘What will they say?’
‘Who?’ I say and it strikes me, ‘What? Megha’s parents? That door is closed, Raghav. And please don’t make me sound like I’m chasing a sunset. I’m trying not to go mad. I don’t have fucking diaries to read. Maybe this will... bring me peace? Who knows what the fuck will give me peace? Can’t I try?’
‘Quite a convenient way to get peace, isn’t it?’ he retorts.
‘You of all people know it’s not that simple.’
He leans against the counter, arms folded. ‘This is running. We won’t find anything there. No peace, no closure, nothing. We will just miss them more.’
‘So what? We need to try,’ I snap back. ‘You want to punish yourself forever? I know I don’t. I want to see if I can be normal. If it’s possible to carry some happiness with all the sadness wecarry.’
He’s quiet. Angry-quiet. He shakes his head, a look of finality on his face.
‘No,’ he says, his voice low and firm. ‘We’re not going, Aditi. It’s a terrible idea.’
He turns his back on me and focuses on the dal, a clear dismissal. The argument is over.
I stand there for a moment, stunned into silence. Then I walk back to my room and shut the door. The rejection stings more than I expected. Did I do something wrong? Was I being selfish? Of course I was. What if I saw the screenshot and didn’t have the money? Would I have checked the tickets? No. I curl up on my bed, the excitement I felt just minutes ago turns into shame.
I scroll and scroll till I fall asleep and late that night, there’s a soft knock on my door. I don’t answer. The door opens a crackanyway. It’s Raghav. He doesn’t look at me, just stares at a point on the wall above my head.
‘Fine,’ he says.
I sit up. ‘Fine what?’
