I shake my head. We didn’t want different things. Her decision was based on what she wanted. There was no discussion, no chance of a compromise. She was a boulder rolling down a hill and she crushed me. I was supposed to just say yes, that’s it.
‘That’s bullshit.’
‘Daksh,’ she says, her voice serious. ‘I had just broken up with Vicky. I was just coming out of a four-year-old relationship which was just . . . toxic. You can’t even imagine what I went through.’
‘With a guy you shouldn’t have been with in the first place,’ I argue.
‘I needed time. I couldn’t get into something so quickly. Don’t I have the right to freak out?’
I feel all my wounds slowly reopen. ‘And I clearly told you that I would be there every step of the way. Did I or did I not tell you? I begged and fell at your feet to give us a chance and you just . . . I had been in love with you for years, and you trampled on all of it. Just like that.’
‘I needed to figure out what I wanted for myself.’
‘And how’s that self-discovery going?’
She leans forward and fixes her gaze on me. ‘Daksh, it was too much for me. I just wanted to be . . . free. I just wanted to be Aanchal for a while.’
I gather myself and fortify my heart against any more pain that she can inflict. And she can. Even after all these years, I’m a slave to her love. Even now, with every passing moment, Aanchal becomes more radiant, a flower that keeps on blossoming. But how am I to forget what’s inside of her, what she did to me, what she did to us?
‘You broke up, I respected that.’
She interrupts me. ‘You broke up, Daksh, I didn’t.’
I restrain myself. ‘Who took the decision was immaterial. You pushed me to do it. You think after what you did, how you did it, I would stay with you?’
She gives a mournful chuckle as if I have said something funny.
‘There was a difference between you and me, Daksh. I never promised you anything. That was all you. You always loved to say all those fancy things about forevers and sacrifices and what-not. You used to say that you would be with me no matter what. You promised you would go to hell and back with me. I never even wanted to be in a relationship! But you said you will make everything all right. That you would hold my hand, guide me out of the sadness Vicky had left me in and whatever. That was all a big lie. So, if there’s one person to blame in all of this, it’s you, Daksh!’
My blood pumps furiously at her accusation. She leans back in her chair. As if the executioner can be blamed for the crime. I might have ended the relationship, but she forced my hand.Shemade it impossible to be with her any more.
I concede. ‘It’s me. I was the problem. Fine, I agree. Can we get over this charade of a conversation and get on with our lives?’
‘Our lives as in Amruta and her kids?’ she asks me. ‘Nice podcast by the way—’
I interrupt her. ‘I don’t want you in my life. I told you, no calls, no messages, nothing. I stuck to that. There’s nothing between us.’
‘It doesn’t need to be this caustic. The least you could have done is pick up—’
‘We were over. What did you want me to say after picking up your calls? That I moved on? Of course I hadn’t moved on. Why would I lie just so you could be okay with your decision? You wanted to find yourself, no? Then go, fucking find yourself!’
Her eyes burn with disappointment. ‘This is who you are, Daksh. Not the one who you pretended to be—the perfect, all-accepting, nice guy. You, too, made promises you couldn’t keep. What’s the difference between—’
‘Don’t compare me with Vicky.’
‘I didn’t want us to be anything!’ she exclaims. She bends forward. ‘You told me you were different from him. But you lied.’
I have reached my breaking point with her. I get up. ‘I can’t waste any more time with you. I’m done. So now, show some grace for once, tell those policemen about the apology and let’s fuck off from each other’s lives. I have lived three years without you, what’s another thirty?’
She rolls her eyes. ‘You were unfair then, you’re unfair now.’
I let the words wash over me. ‘Fine.’
But she continues with a disgusted look, ‘You make yourself out to be the victim, but I was the victim because you said you were in love but you weren’t. I went through years of trauma with Vicky and you did the same to me. You made me swear off love forever. Do you ever think about that?’
‘I was willing to do everything.’
She tosses her head back in frustration.
