He made no move to go anywhere, so I began to purge the truth I’d never been able to share.
“Pirate broke into my bedroom that night and got into my bed while I was sleeping.I had known he could pick the lock, so I’d started adding a chair beneath the doorknob for added protection.But that night, while my mom worked in the room across from me, I’d been afraid to barricade the door while she was awake in case she tried to come in, and I fell asleep, texting with you, before she went to bed.When I woke up, I realized he was in my bed and panicked, and then I saw you with the knife.”I stopped and swallowed.“And I was relieved.I knew you would kill him, and I was relieved.Not thinking past what that meant for either of us.Just that I wouldn’t have to live in fear in my own house anymore.”I sucked in a breath.
I’d never admitted it out loud.My desire for Pirate to die.But it was true.He’d made me a monster too.One who wished death on another.
“Why did you know he would pick your lock?”The question was one I’d expected.
“That was my lie of omission.Something I kept from you to protect you because if you knew, you’d do exactly what you did, and I was scared of what would happen to you if you did.”
His nostrils flared, and his eyes narrowed.“What did you protect me from, Cressida?”
“Six months after we started dating, I woke up to Pirate in bed with me and his hand down the front of my panties.”I winced from the bile in my throat.“I screamed.He covered my mouth and held me there.He told me if I ever said anything to anyone, he’d kill Mom in her sleep.We heard the footsteps on the stairs then, and he hurried out of my room.When my mom got to my room to see why I had screamed, I told her it was a nightmare.”
Kash’s chest was rising and falling as he took hard, fast breaths.He shoved a hand through his black hair and fisted it, then began to pace.
I sat, saying no more as I watched him.
“You should have told me that night.Called me.He’d have been gone before morning,” Kash said, shaking his head as if he were a caged animal.
“I thought I was protecting y—”
He moved so fast that I almost let out a yelp, but he was in my face before I could utter a sound.“I protect you!Me.I’m the protector.You’re mine to protect.”His words went from rage to desperation.He placed both his palms on the mattress beside me and hung his head, letting out a ragged breath.“Youweremine to protect.And I failed.”
A tear rolled down my face, and I shook my head even though he wasn’t looking at me.“No.You stopped him.I might have lost you, but you ended the nightmare.”
He let out a laugh.It wasn’t amused or hard but filled with pain.When he lifted his head and leveled his eyes on me, I let out a sob.The unsaid words, anguish for all that was no more, it was there in his blue eyes.
“I still failed you,” he said in a husky voice.“And I can’t undo it.I have to live with it.”
“We were young.Pirate was not well.I’m equally to blame,” I told him, hating the raw vulnerability in his eyes as they turned glassy.
I couldn’t stand seeing him like this.Kash was unbreakable.He was fierce, wild, dangerous.If he cried, I would fall apart.
He clenched his jaw as he fought for control over the onslaught of emotions we were both dealing with.
“Can I hold you?”he asked.
I nodded and moved over so that he could sit down on the bed.Once he was seated with his back against the headboard and his feet stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles, he reached over and pulled me to his chest with his arm around my shoulders.
I didn’t hesitate and went willingly, burying my face in his chest, then began to sob.
When I opened my eyes, the sunlight filled the room, and I was alone with the only reassurance that Kash had ever been there was the smell of leather and spice on the pillow he’d leaned against.
Seventeen
Kash
“You gonna tell us why we’re going to Arkansas?”Gathe asked, staring at me like I’d lost my mind over his mug of beer.
“I need to find a man named Arthur Howt,” I told him.
“Then do what with him?”Than asked.
“Kill him,” I replied.
He sighed and leaned back in his chair.“Damn.I was afraid that was the answer.”
“Tell me this has nothing to do with Cressida,” Gathe said with dread.
