I knew Raylan as well as I did because I’d grown up with him. He’d been a part of my life from the very beginning. But so far, everything about our relationship had been sitting right at the surface. We didn’t talk about the heavy stuff. We didn’t dive into each other’s past or even talk about what we wanted from the future. So far, taking everything a day at a time consistedsolely of living in the moment, and I desperately wanted more. I wanted him to trust me enough to open up.
I scooped the eggs from the skillet and onto plates before putting the bacon in and watching as it started to sizzle and pop. The sound of Raylan’s stool scraping across the floor as he stood up sounded through the kitchen, and a few seconds later, Raylan’s scent wrapped around me right before his arms did.
“Hey.” He forced me around, tucking my hair behind my ear, then rested his hands on the sides of my neck and tipped my head back with his thumbs. “Let’s not get into all that heavy shit right now.” He grinned, but the sight of his dimple didn’t lessen the blow of his words. “I want to enjoy the time I get to have with you. I don’t want to waste it, talking about things that don’t matter. How about we just live in the moment, huh? What do you say?”
I wanted to say that living in the moment made our relationship feel unimportant and... temporary. Which really sucked, given that he was, hands down, the best boyfriend I’d ever had. He went out of his way to take care of me every chance he got. I’d never felt so cherished in my life. But despite how good all of that was, a couple had to have other key elements to make a relationship successful.
However, instead of saying that, I caved, worried at what pushing him might do. I spent the rest of the night pretending everything was all right, but that stupid little voice in my head was getting louder. And I worried the day would come, sooner than expected, when I would no longer be able to ignore it.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Raylan
The familiar smells and comforting quiet of the barn were a welcome reprieve from the long day as I brushed Zephyr down in his stall. Thanks to a long day of back to back trail rides, we’d gotten up before dawn, and a full day in the sun had worn us both out. Now that it was finally beginning its decent behind the mountains, the temperatures were starting to cool down, and I was ready to call it a day.
Zephyr blew air past his lips and tossed his head as I swiped the curry comb over him one last time. “Yeah, I know buddy. It’s been a long-ass day.” I gave the side of his neck a pat. “But you did great.” I considered it a win he hadn’t tried to take a bite out of the little brat who’d pulled roughly at his mane earlier, or kicked the annoying Karen who didn’t listen to me and gave him a start by walking up behind him and unexpectedly patting him on the rump. Not that I would have blamed him in either scenario.
I hadn’t been exaggerating when I told Lennix he wasn’t a big fan of people in general. Truth be told, he was a grumpy oldbastard who probably would have been more content to spend his days lazing around in a field and munching on grass instead of working, but I didn’t have the heart to retire him just yet. A man’s bond with his horse was sacred, and I wasn’t ready to replace him.
I finished brushing him down and reached into my pocket for a peppermint before closing him up for the night. I was practically dead on my feet after having to put up with entitled tourists and novice riders who thought they were pros and didn’t want to take direction. No matter how much a person loved their job, some days just went worse than others, like a perfect storm of fuck-ups, and today had definitely been one of those days.
All I wanted to do was take a nice, hot shower to soothe the tightness in my muscles, then sink myself deep into my girl. That was the best way I knew to push away any lingering frustrations. Something told me I was going to sleep like a baby tonight, wrapped around Lennix in her comfortable bed, and I couldn’t fucking wait. It seemed all I ever wanted to do lately was be with Lennix. We’d been going for nearly a month now, and I still craved her just as I much as I had in the very beginning. Hell, I might even want hermore.
However, despite how perfect things seemed to be going—at least in my opinion—I felt like Lennix was holding a piece of herself back from me. It had been that way since the evening she brought up my parents. It wasn’t anything she was doing or saying, and it wasn’t as though she’d pulled away from me physically. We still spent as much of our free time together as possible. It was only a feeling, but I couldn’t shake it, and it made me nervous.
Those assholes were the last thing I ever wanted to talk about. Especially my piece-of-shit sperm donor. I thought after I shut that topic down we’d moved on with no issues, but Isensed a sort of disconnect that hadn’t been there before the conversation happened.
I’d done everything I could to get us back to where we’d been, but the foundation I’d thought had been solid was starting to feel a little shaky. I couldn’t lose her. Not right now. In the back of my mind, I knew what we had wasn’t going to be forever. I wasn’t built for forever. If there was ever a woman I’d try to change that for, it was her. More than once I’d caught myself considering what it might be like to keep her. To try and make something lasting. Then my father’s words would sound in my ears like a goddamn bullhorn and send me spiraling all over again.
It was a risk I couldn’t take. Not with her. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I’d fuck everything up and lose her forever. I wasn’t an idiot, I knew what we were doing could lead to her getting hurt, but I kept telling myself, when the time finally came, I’d make sure things ended in a way I could keep her in my life. I didn’t know how the fuck I’d pull that off, but I’d have to at least try.
I was yanked out of those thoughts by a hand landing on my shoulder, giving me a jostle.
“Jesus, man. Where’s your head?” Zach asked teasingly. “Said your name at least five times.”
A flush heated my cheeks at the fact I’d been daydreaming about his sister while he was standing right there, but hopefully he’d think the redness was due to being outside all day long.
“Hey. Sorry. Just tired I guess. Today was busy as hell.”
“Then you should come out with me for a drink. Be a great way to wind down.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I started, my mind spinning, trying to form a plausible excuse not to go—even though it made me a shitty friend. “I’m really beat.”
“Fuck that. You’ve been MIA for weeks now. We’re going out and getting a drink. I’m not taking no for an answer.” He started moving backward, a grin pinned to his face. “Meet you at The Tap Room. How’s eight sound?”
I could have kept arguing, but he had a point. Any free time I had went to Lennix. If neither of us was working, we were together. I’d let everything else be pushed to the backburner. I owed Zach better than that. And not only because I was fucking his little sister behind his back. He’d been a better friend to me than I deserved. He’d helped me through a lot of shit when I was younger, and knowing I was keeping this huge fucking secret was twisting me up into knots. It had been easier to avoid him lately since the guilt I felt had been eating away at my goddamn stomach lining. At this rate I was going to have an ulcer in a matter of days.
Trying not to let all that show on my face, I nodded and said, “Yeah, all right. I’ll meet you there at eight.”
My phone dingedwith a new text as I was pulling into the parking lot of The Tap Room. I threw my truck into park and plucked it from the cupholder in the center console, swiping at the screen and grinning from ear to ear when I saw the message was from Lennix.
Chaos:Hey. Stuck at the bar. Probably be late. Totally understand if you just want to stay at your place tonight.
There wasn’t a fucking chance in hell of that happening. Not only because my apartment now seemed miserable, but becauseI refused to spend even one night without her. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to sleep anymore if she wasn’t in the bed with me.
Me:No chance. I’ve got serious plans for you tonight. See you soon, baby.
Her response came through a second later.
