The silence filling the barn was downright stifling, but I couldn’t bring myself to break it by speaking. That would be up to Raylan. Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait much longer.
“Look, I know what I am. I know I’m not built for relationships.”
Oh god, those words cut into me like a white hot knife through butter.
“I’ve never wanted a relationship.”
The hits just kept on coming. I pulled my cardigan even tighter, like it was a shield that his words would bounce right off.
“But what Idoknow is that what I feel for you isn’t something I’ve ever experienced before.”
I could hear a record scratching in my brain. “Wait. What?”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lennix
He moved back in, the chill that had burrowed into my bones being swept away when he reached up and took my cheeks in his hands. “I’ve never wanted to try before.”
My jaw dropped, but I couldn’t manage to find a single word.
“I’m probably gonna fuck this up,” he continued. “I mean, it’s pretty much a guarantee. I don’t have an answer for you about what we are because I have no experience with this. I just...” He stopped, his brow furrowing in agitation as he reached around to massage at the back of his neck. “Jesus, I’m not doing this right. I can’t find the right words.”
I reached out and took his hand in mine, giving it a squeeze that I hoped felt as reassuring as I meant it to. “You’re doing great,” I reassured him in a quiet voice. “Keep going.” I needed to hear this more than he could possibly understand, and everything he’d said so far made my stomach feel all fizzy and floaty.
“I can’t make you any promises because I don’t want to risk breaking them. at least not right now. But last night, it changed everything. At least for me. I’ve wanted you more than I should for too goddamn long.”
His eyes closed and he lowered his forehead to rest against mine as he heaved out a deep breath. His hands came to rest on the sides of my neck, his thumbs dragging back and forth along my jawline.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Chaos. Not again. It nearly ended me the first time. Can we—can we just take this a day at a time?”
I deflated a little at that question. I’d loved him for so long, I was ready to go all in, but I also didn’t want to risk screwing everything up before things between us even had the chance to get off the ground.
“I can do that,” I whispered. “I can do a day at a time.”At least for now. Then something dawned on me that should have been at the forefront of my mind. “Zach,” I breathed out, feeling myself deflate a bit. If my much older, insanely overprotective big brother found out Raylan and I were... doing whatever it was we were doing, he’d lose his mind completely. “He can’t find out about this. Not right now. He wouldn’t take it well.”
Raylan snorted as he lifted his head. “Understatement of the century, baby. And you don’t have to worry about me saying a word. You think I have a death wish?”
Despite the heaviness of the conversation, I couldn’t help but laugh. At the sound, Raylan’s fingers slid up into my hair. A sound akin to a low growl rumbled from his chest as his fingers clenched gently, causing the slightest sting that still managed to light me up like the Fourth of July. His face looked almost pained as he squeezed his eyes closed. “Christ,” he whispered before inhaling deeply.
I reached up, lightly scratching at the scruff on his jaw as I dragged my concerned gaze along every inch of his handsome face. “What’s wrong?”
“That sound,” he grunted out. “Fuck, but I’ve missed it.”
I wrapped my fingers around his wrists and held on, needing grounding. Something about the intensity rolling off of him made me feel like I could float away at any moment, and I needed to anchor myself to him to keep my feet firmly on the ground. “What sound?”
“Your laugh,” he rasped.
I froze at his words. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting him to say, but it certainly hadn’t been that. “You—you missed my laugh?”
He spoke softly affection coating his voice. “Baby, I missed every single thing about you while we were fighting. But your laugh... it hurt the worst to lose that. Sounded like music to me every time I heard it. Most beautiful sound I ever heard.” A wicked smirk tugged up one corner of his mouth. “Well, at least until I heard what you sound like when you come. Now your laugh is in a close second place.”
Something about that statement flipped a switch in me, and I couldn’t have possibly held myself back for another moment. I leapt forward, going up on my toes and grasping Raylan by the neck to pull him down to me in a fevered, hungry kiss that started off at a full, rolling boil. I dove in, immediately parting his lips with my tongue. It barely took him a second to catch up with me. His fingers dug farther into my hair, fisting the length and using his grip to tilt my head back even more, taking the kiss deeper.
My chest heaved as we broke apart, my lungs burning with the need for air, but most of me would have gladly suffocated if it meant more of this. More ofhim.
“Fuck, Chaos,” he gritted, nipping his way down my neck to my collarbone. “Need you so goddamn bad I can’t see straight.”
I needed him too, more than he could imagine. And what I needed most in that very moment was tofinallytaste him. Without a single thought, I dropped to my knees, so eager for his cock I didn’t fell the rugged floor digging into my skin. My knees could be shredding to ribbons and I wouldn’t feel it, all that existed then was him.
