“That wasn’t my fault,” I shouted, losing control. “I was doing what you wanted. I put myself out there for you and got crushed in the process, so I did my best to move on likeyouwanted.”
“I know.Christ. I could see what I was doing, how I was acting, but I couldn’t make myself stop.” He started pacing a line in front of me, his movements jerky and wooden as he stomped back and forth, wearing a line into my lush green grass. “It wasn’t rational, but I didn’t have any fucking control. I hated myself for hurting you, for taking everything I was feeling out on you. You have to believe me.”
I reached deep inside myself, grasping tightly to that anger and pulling it back up. I wrapped it around myself like armor,using it as a shield against the onslaught of emotions raging through me. If I could keep hold of that mad, I wouldn’t risk falling into the well of despair I’d become all too familiar with since losing Raylan.
“You know what’s so ironic about this whole thing? You’ve spent so long holding our age difference between us like some kind of safeguard.” A hard, sardonic laugh burst from my throat. “Who’s the childish one now, Raylan?” I gave my head a disappointed shake as I took a step back. I turned away from him and rushed up my front steps, refusing to look back as I closed the door on him.
Chapter Thirteen
Raylan
Ileaned against the side of my truck, sucking back the coffee I’d picked up earlier at Muffin Top like my life depended on it. I was the kind of tired that you could feel all the way down to your bones.
I hadn’t slept for shit the night before thanks to my fight with Lennix. Every time I closed my eyes, her face was there. All I could see was the hurt and sadness in those big green eyes. The pain on her face, the painIput there, was like a dull, rusty knife to my gut.
I hadn’t thought it was possible for me to feel any lower than I already had over the past several months, then last night happened and showed me there were still several more levels of self-loathing I had yet to endure.
Christ, I was an asshole.
I’d tossed and turned, my mind reeling as I tried to think of a way to make things right. Hearing her say she’d mourned the loss of our friendship had nearly killed me, because I’d done the same thing. And the loss of it had been on me. It was myown damn fault we weren’t what we used to be. After the night of Zach and Rae’s wedding, I’d felt like I’d lost Lennix in a way I wasn’t sure I could ever get back. Telling her I didn’t have romantic feelings for her had been the biggest lie I’d ever told. I did it because I’d convinced myself I was doing the right thing. For her sake, as well as the sake of my friendship with Zach. There was no doubt in my mind that I wasn’t good enough for that woman, but that hadn’t stopped my brain, my heart, or my body from wanting her in a way I had no business feeling.
Then I’d gone and made everything even worse by taking my petty, childish jealousy out on the one person who deserved it the least. I knew I couldn’t have her, but like the asshole I was, I didn’t want any other man to have her either. There were zero scenarios in this entire mess where I wasn’t one hundred percent in the wrong. I was the bad guy, and I wouldn’t blame her one damn bit if she never wanted to speak to me again. Even if the thought of not having Chaos in my life caused an intense sense of panic and dread to dump into my bloodstream.
I finally gave up on sleep around 4:30 in the morning, long before the sun had come up. I decided to kill some time, as well as dole out a brutal self-inflicted punishment, by running a few of the more difficult trails until my legs felt like rubber and my lungs burned. It was ten brutal miles, but when I finished, that gnawing anxiety was still there, so I went a few rounds with the heavy bag the cowboys had hung up in the bunkhouse, pounding my frustrations into the thing until my knuckles throbbed and sores had formed beneath the wraps.
I was a mess by the time I dragged my sorry ass back to my apartment and showered off the sweat. If only the guilt I felt coating my skin, making it uncomfortably tight, were so easy to scrub away.
I wracked my brain, trying desperately to think of a way to fix the mess I’d made. The idea of sending her flowers crossed mymind before I quickly disregarded it. But the thought had drawn my attention to the tulip and note setting on my counter that had been waiting on Lennix’s car the night before. The petals of the flower were already shriveling, the head of it drooping on the stem, and the paper that creepy as fuck note had been written on was crumpled from where I’d fisted it the night before. In the midst of our fight, we’d both somehow forgotten all about them, but when I got back in my truck after she slammed her door in my face, they’d been sitting on the passenger seat like some sort of taunt.
If the asshole who left the note and flower knew Lennix at all, they’d know that cut flowers were definitely not the way to go. It always made her sad, how quickly they died, and she hated the mess they left behind. She said time and time again that she would much rather have the whole plant to nurture and grow for long-lasting beauty than a few castoffs that were only pretty for a few days.
Lennix might have done her best to convince me—and herself—that it was no big deal, but something about it wasn’t sitting right with me, leaving me on edge. My gut told me something was seriously off, and it was more than just the jealousy clawing around my insides, leaving its poison behind.
I could see why she’d jump to the conclusion that it was just some kid with a crush, given the fact that she owned and worked at a bar. She came into contact with her fair share of single, eligible guys. And it certainly didn’t help that she was a fucking knockout who could take a man’s breath away with a single smile. But I couldn’t shake the underlying sense that something wasn’t right, so I decided right then and there if she wasn’t going to look after her own well-being, I would have to do it for her.
That was why I’d put in for my first vacation day in all the years I’d worked for Second Hope Lodge. And it was also why I drove my tired ass into town and stood in the ridiculously longline at Muffin Top to grab her favorite coffee and cupcake, just like Toby had suggested.
hoping it would work as a kind of peace offering. Then I headed back to her place to wait.
I knew her schedule like the back of my hand. Always had. It hadn’t hit me until just recently that I knew Lennix’s comings and goings better than I did my own sisters’, and that was because it was engrained in me to pay attention to every single little thing about her, even if I didn’t realize I was doing it.
I lifted the cup and took another gulp, letting out anahas soon as I swallowed it down. Even my shitty mood couldn’t take away from how damn good the coffee from Muffin Top was. It wasn’t something I treated myself to often. I usually just brewed a pot at home or grabbed a cup at the Lodge. But it was Lennix’s favorite place for her morning pick-me-up, so I battled the crowd of people all scuttling off to work to get it.
The creak of her screen door opening perked me up, and my heart began to beat faster when she walked through. That three-legged dog of hers followed after, letting out a high-pitched bark of excitement the moment he spotted me. I couldn’t help but grin at the goofy dog as he loped my way in a less than straight line, his tongue flopping out the side of his mouth.
“Hey buddy,” I greeted softly as I crouched to give his head a pat. I chanced a glance up to see that Lennix was still standing on her porch, glaring at me, murder in her pretty eyes. Any other time, that look would have been enough to make my balls draw up into my stomach, but the squirming puppy in her arms that was bathing her chin with kisses took away a good deal of the threat her face was promising. Ziggy took my distraction as his opportunity to swipe his tongue up the side of my face. “Well, at least one of you is happy to see me.”
“Ziggy.” Despite her pinched mouth and narrowed eyes, Lennix’s voice was sweet and gentle. No matter how mad shewas, she’d never raise her voice or be unnecessarily sharp with any of her animals. “Do your business, sir. We’re on a time crunch.”
That was another thing about Lennix I always thought was damn cute. She talked to her animals like they were people. And I swear, they understood her perfectly, because, like the dutiful dog he was, he sniffed around until he found the optimal place to squat. As soon as he finished, he headed back to his owner and plopped his butt down on the wooden planks near her feet, staring up at her with hearts in his eyes.
Havoc yapped loudly to be put down and immediately lunged for Ziggy with an adorably vicious puppy growl the moment his feet touched the ground.
“I see he’s making friends,” I pointed out as Ziggy sat motionless while the smaller dog latched onto his ear and gave his head a shake. If dogs had facial expressions, I would have bet my entire paycheck that Ziggy’s would have been portraying extreme annoyance.
“They’re getting along just fine, thank you very much.” Lennix used the toe of her shoe to nudge the pup away, only to have him pounce once more, his hind end up in the air as he prodded at Ziggy to play with him.
One corner of my mouth quirked up. “Looks like it.”
