It was a gut blow to hear him say it to Wayne, but looking in his eyes while he says those words makes me feel like I’ve been fucking shot. My breath evaporates from my lungs, a million thoughts rushing through my head and coming out of my mouth in a weak noise.
Lucas seems to think it’s abadnoise, because he winces and rushes into an apology.
“I know,” he blurts. “I know I have no right to say it. Not after how I made you feel. I’ll never forgive myself for that, if it’s any consolation.” He takes his hat off and goes to rake his hand through his hair, but his fingers get tangled in the braid, and he huffs in frustration. “I always thought I was asking too much. I didn’t want you to give up your dreams to come be with me, but I couldn’t get into Tallahassee. I thought it would be better if I found something for myself, because then I could prove to you that I could do it on my own. I wanted to prove to you that I could take care of you.”
“Lucas, I never?—”
“Please, Jenny, just… let me talk. I need to say this, at least once.” He meets my eyes, his own shining with nervous tears, and I can do nothing but nod. “I thought—back then and this time, too—that you didn’t want anything serious with me. I thought I didn’t deserve you at all, much less deserve alifewith you. I told myself to be happy with what I got. I told myself that if you wanted more, you’d ask me, and I would always give you anything you asked for. I was too much of a coward to realize Ishould’ve just asked you myself. I should’ve made sure you knew how much you meant to me.”
There’s no stopping my tears now. It doesn’t matter that we’re in public, that ranch hands and families are milling around close enough to see me break down in front of him. All that matters is that my heart is somehow breaking all over again and healing at the same time.
“How could you think I didn’t want you?” I ask, achingly sad. “I wasn’t any better at communicating, I know. I’m not trying to blame you, but… Fuck, Lucas. I never wanted you to think that you weren’t important to me.”
Hope lights up his face, and he takes a step closer, reaching out to wrap trembling fingers through my own.
“I’ll do it right this time,” he says, and it sounds like he’s swearing it in front of God himself. “If you give me a chance, I promise, Jenny. I’ll decline the job. I already wrote out the email, but I wanted to send it in front of you. I’ll do it right now if you just tell me I can have another chance.”
My head spins, and I’m not sure if it’s from the contact of his hand in mine or the promises he’s making. I place a shaking hand on his chest, his heart pounding beneath my palm.
“Wait, just… Jesus, hold on.” I laugh, squeezing down on his fingers in a way I hope is reassuring. “This is a lot. I need a second.”
He nods immediately, reaching up with his free hand to cup mine on his chest, holding me there like he’s afraid I’ll vanish. “A second, a year, take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
I laugh weakly, slumping forward to press my forehead against his chest. He’s warm and solid andreal, and my heart stutters behind my ribs. I could have this. Properly, really have this.
“Let’s go home,” I say, just loud enough for him to hear. “We can talk, okay? We’ve both been jumping to conclusions and making too many decisions without each other. Let’s do it right this time.”
He lets go of my hand and wraps an arm around me, crushing me against his chest.
“Together,” he whispers, his lips brushing the crown of my head.
“Together,” I agree, beaming even as tears coat my cheeks.
Together.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
JENNY
We’resupposedto be talking.
It’s my fault we’re not.
I don’t feel guilty about it.
We talk a bit on the way back to the ranch, just enough to soothe both of our anxieties, Lucas’s hand sitting heavy on my thigh like he’s trying to remind himself I haven’t disappeared. I’m clutching his hand for the same reason.
But by the time we make it back to his trailer, our eyes are lingering and we’re both too distracted to keep up the conversation. I pull him into a kiss barely a minute after we close the door, too desperate for him to force myself to wait. This time, I know anafterwill come. I know this won’t be the last time we fall into bed together, and I won’t be rolling out of it with a broken heart this time.
So, no, I’m not keeping my hands to myself. I’m not keeping my thoughts to myself, either.
“I fucking love you, Lucas.” It’s sickly sweet in the best of ways, sticking to my tongue and my teeth only for Lucas to drink down the taste of it with another needy kiss.
“I love you, Jenny, love you so much.” It’s even sweeter coming back to me from his lips. “My perfect girl. Not going anywhere after this, right?”
I yank his shirt off over his head and toss it behind me before climbing into his lap. “Never again. And neither are you.”
He grins at me, pretty blue eyes bright with affection, and I feel stupid for not seeing it before. His love for me may as well be a neon sign in his pupils, my reflection sitting there like I’m the only thing he ever wants to look at. Callused hands ruck my shirt up, tangling it with my bra on the way over my shoulders while I work his hair free of the braid.
