I nudge my heels gently into Lyra’s sides, and she starts up her steady walk again. Jenny falls into step beside me, close enough that I could reach my foot out and knock it against hers, and the closeness makes it easier to keep talking. She stays silent, not in agreement, just to let me get it out. Like she said, we’re notusright now. At least, not the us that we are these days.
“I feel lost most days. Thought I had my life figured out, that I’d be able to pay off Dad’s debts and let him relax.” I thought I’d be able to spoil Jenny rotten, too, but none of that worked out the way I planned. “Instead I fucked everything up. Got myself a ton of student loans, couldn’t even play to keep my scholarships. Did a bunch of odd jobs that never worked out because I was too stubborn to admit that I’d never play again.”
Jenny makes a soft sound beside me, and I glance over, expecting to see her grinning scornfully at me. Instead, a frown twists her features, genuine sadness in those whiskey brown eyes.
“You don’t have to put yourself down for wanting to follow your dreams,” she says quietly. “It’s admirable that you stuck with it, even when you weren’t sure you’d be able to go back to it.”
It doesn’t sound like the grief in her tone is about my failed career, but I don’t know her well enough anymore to read between the lines. I wish I could tell her that I’d have stuck with her, too, that I’d have picked her over football if she wanted me to, but I’m not stupid enough to ruin the peace between us like that.
“I just wish things had gone differently,” I admit, fixing my eyes on the slowly elongating shadows of the trees. “I wish Rhonda hadn’t left Dad with a broken down house and a kid he could barely afford to take care of. I wish I hadn’t gotten hurt in the first place, and that I could’ve taken care of—”you“—the people I loved. I wish Dad wasn’t gone, and that I still had something to be proud of.”
Idotear up now, something about the slowly gathering darkness and the knowledge that Jenny is here with me making it easier to let go. It’s one of those moments that feels like it should be accompanied by earth shattering sobs and life-changing realizations, but my tears are just as silent as my mind.
It feels kind of peaceful, actually.
“You can’t change the past,” Jenny says, tactfully ignoring the tears streaming down my cheeks. “But you’ve still got a future, Lucas. I know how hard it can be to pick up the pieces when nothing goes right, but that doesn’t mean there’s no reason to try. You can find new things to be proud of. And if it helps, Al was always proud of you. He would want you to keep trying.”
That finally tears a sob free from my lips, but it’s immediately followed by a choked laugh. What did I say? Jenny always knows what I need to hear.
This is the first time I’ve felthopefulsince I felt my ACL snap.
“I don’t know how to try anymore,” I whisper, only barely loud enough to be heard over the crickets starting up around us. “I just feel… stuck. I feel like I have no options, like this is it, even though I don’t fit in here. I don’t have anything that I want, but Idon’t even knowwhatI want out of life, much less how to get it. I just don’t know anymore.”
The only thing I do want is Jenny, but I’m not stupid enough to think I can have her again.
That weekend in Bozeman was the last time, and no amount of hoping or praying will change that. Miracles don’t happen to people like me.
“You’re allowed to take your time,” she says. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now. Give yourself a chance to breathe before you try to plan your whole life out.”
I wipe at my face as my tears dry up, the overwhelming wave of emotion slowly sliding back to something manageable. The ache in my chest doesn’t throb with every breath anymore, but it doesn’t go away, either. I don’t know if it ever will, or if I’ll feel like I’m missing pieces of myself for the rest of my life.
She’s right, though, there’s no point in torturing myself about it. I need to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, or I’m just going to fall flat on my face. It’ll be even harder to get back up a second time.
The silence that settles between us this time is comforting, the earlier tension having dissipated entirely.
It’ll probably come back by tomorrow, the sunlight too harsh to be so vulnerable under, but for now, I’ll relish it. Things used to be easy like this when we were younger. I was so carefree back then, sure of myself and everything around me. Always had my eyes pointed forward, always thinking about the next big thing.
I’m not thinking about anything big these days. Maybe that’s good.
I can’t stay here forever—I’m already putting Everett out enough by accepting his generosity, and even if Jenny has proven tonight that she’s still the same gentle girl I knew so long ago, she doesn’t want me around either. Life isn’t easy like it used to be, no matter how much I wish it was. I’ll have to pickthings up and live my life again, and it’ll be harder this time than it was when I was an optimistic kid, but I’ll survive.
At least, most of me will.
I don’t know about my heart. Losing Jenny the first time tore me into pieces, and walking away this time will be just as bad. I have no doubt about that. We aren’t even together now, but that doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving her. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do anything to be with her again, if she wants it.
That’s not in the cards, though, and I won’t torment myself by wishing for it.
I can’t help it if spending time with her makes me feelright, though. It’s just a ride. Just a conversation. It may mean everything to me, but she won’t think about it when the morning comes around.
I can keep my feelings to myself.
Give myself a chance to breathe, with her beside me. Just for a little.
JENNY
Ok, so, after some thinking, I’ve come to a conclusion.
Maybe Lucas is a person with feelings, and maybe I’ve been a little harsh on him considering everything he’s dealing with right now. I’m even willing to admit that maybe I’ve gone a little soft on him after our talk.
