Her hammering heart slowed down gradually.
All she wanted was a chance.
A chance at what?
Love?
Birdie laughed harshly and rubbed her cheeks with her hand.
Of course, she couldn’t expect him to love her, vow or not. After all, they’d just met several days ago. But she was at least willing to make it work. Even if it was just friendship, or if that was too much to ask, basic kindness and courtesy toward one another. Why was that too much to ask? Life was too lonely otherwise. Too harsh. Too unbearable.
Fat tears rolled down her cheeks again.
She couldn’t force people to like her. She couldn’t forcehimto accept her. Maybe the better option was to leave and let him do what he needed to do.
But what would she do?
Where could she go?
She’d long lost her position at the Willowburys. Perhaps Cecily had assumed her identity and taken her job under her name.
She could return to her family. Chances were that they’d never even noticed she was gone. Her mother would lie on her bed the entire day, in a darkened room, and her sisters would pretend to get ready for balls that never happened. Freddie would be out gambling and return drunk––if he returned at all.
She used to like her brother, once. He’d been a cheerful boy who always got into scrapes. He listened with glistening eyes and an open mouth whenever she read to him. But that was before he turned into a dandy, discovered gambling and alcohol, and adopted the ennui of the world-weary. She hadn’t had a proper conversation with him in years.
A cold stone settled in her stomach.
She knew she wouldn’t be able to stand it there for long. Sooner or later they would need money. They always needed money. And Birdie would set out and obtain it for them. Because she was the only one who could.
She wiped her cheek angrily.
There was the allowance, of course. But she refused to take a penny from Gabriel. She would have no part in his plan. She would never forgive herself if she did.
She could go to Lucy or to Arabella in Cornwall. But both had their own families. While she knew they’d welcome her with open arms, she couldn’t stay longer than a month or two. And then what? Surely they could help her find a position somewhere. As a companion. But they would probably never allow that and insist she stay with them.
She’d feel like a charity case, living with them.
It was unbearable. Unbearable!
Pondering her options, Birdie realised she didn’t have any choices at all. Why was life so limiting for women? Why couldn’t she choose a profession like a man? She knew she would be so good at so many things. If she could, she would’ve gone to university. Studied Law, maybe. Medicine. She’d always been an excellent student and enjoyed learning. But that path was not available to women.
Birdie shivered. A cold gust came from the sea, and she trembled further; she’d forgotten to put on her coat. She’d trudged down a small path through the meadow that led to the cliffs. She paused under an apple tree and looked around. Was this once an apple orchard? It needed to be tended to. Another one of those things that would never get done because the lord of the estate did not care.
“Yer Grace, Yer Grace!” a voice called after her. Eilidh came hurrying after her.
“Eilidh.” Birdie smiled weakly. Eilidh had done wonderful work refashioning the old gowns for Birdie. But she wasn’t up to talking to her now.
“I’ve been wantin’ to ask. About school.” Eilidh breathed heavily.
“School?” Birdie looked at her blankly.
“Ye ken. For the bairns.”
“Oh! Yes. I did mention that.” Birdie sighed. She’d been too hasty, making promises she couldn’t keep.
“I’ve been thinking. If ye didn’t mind. More of us would come to work up there if we had our bairns taken care of at school. I was meanin’ to ask Her Graceship if ye could teach them?”
Birdie stared at her, not at all comprehending. “Are you asking whether I could teach the children?”
