That had me looking at her—enough so that I saw hers soften as they locked, like that was all she’d wanted. For me to see her.
I swallowed. “Marcus?”
The car slowed as we hit traffic, but honestly, I’d never been more thankful for it. I kept my eyes on Lana, watching her as her head tilted, curls falling, and that quiet, knowing look masked her face. “My son.”
I couldn’t breathe. “You… you named him after…”
She nodded, smiling. “You? Yeah.” Her head fell back against the headrest, eyes still on me. “You know why?”
Emotion lodged in my throat, and I shook my head. Words weren’t a thing for me right now.
Her smile pulled tight. “Because you saved my life that day, Marcus. If it weren’t for you, then...” Her silence painted an image I never wanted in my head again. She cleared her throat. “Then I wouldn’t have met Tom. Or heard Anna’s laugh. Or got to name my son after the man who saved my life.”
My head shook. “I didn’t do a thing. Oscar called the ambulance.”
“Because you went and got him.”
I blinked, my eyes stinging.
“You went and got him, and that was the reason the ambulance got there before I bled out. It was the reason one of the crew spotted Javi in the tree behind the house and arrested him. It’s the reason I got to the hospital in time to meet Tom, for him to fall in love with me.”
Lana leaned forward, her hand reaching over and covering mine on the wheel. My grip was getting looser by the second. “The only thing you’re responsible for is changing my life for the better. So why do you pretend I don’t exist?”
I kept my face still. “I should ask you the same question.” I thought hers would drop, or twitch, but it didn’t. Like she knew this was coming. I gritted my teeth. “Why did you disappear after it happened?”
She stole a quick breath, then sighed. “Because at the time I thought it was the only way I was going to get better.” Her shoulders rolled. “It was hard to be home, to be around Mamà and you guys and have to see the spot on the floor where it happened every single day.”
Lana sniffled, but there were no tears. I wondered if she’d cried them all out already.
“I needed to be invisible to feel normal again.”
“And I needed you to make the world normal again.” I swallowed, not taking my eyes off the way hers downturned for a second. “You were my everything, Lana. And I thought you leaving was my fault. I thought you were mad that I didn’t do better. I thought I’d torn apart everything all because I couldn’t save you.”
Her hand, the one still over mine, squeezed gently. “Did you really think that? Or were you telling yourself that because it wasyouthinking those things?”
The sting in my eyes was like a thousand tiny paper cuts slicing through me, and it wasn’t long before I felt something warm slide down my cheek. “I don’t know.”
Her lip pouted forward, like she was holding back the floodgates, and she moved closer, both hands over mine, our heads close. “Leaving was for me, Marcus. It was never you. It was never your fault, you hear me, niño dulce?”
I shook my head. My cheeks getting warmer. Wetter.
My voice was low when it finally came. “I should’ve said something. I should’ve done something.”
“You couldn’t,” she said simply. “You were fourteen. You were traumatised too. You shut down, Marcus. Your brain did what it had to do to protect you, and somehow you still managed to save me.”
I looked at the road ahead, blinking hard.
“But I failed you,” I said. “I failed everyone. I let him do what he did. I said nothing for months. When it mattered most, I couldn’t get a word out. I couldn't save her.”
I let my head sink back against the headrest, pressing my palms into my sodden eyes, like that would take the hurt away.
I felt Lana soften beside me, her hand cupping my jaw. “You’re not talking about me anymore, are you?”
My hands slipped from my face, my stare on my lap. I shook my head. I couldn’t even say it.
Remember what I said about labels? Well, Lana was my only exception to that. Big sisters were our guardian angels. And I believed that Lana was mine and had been in every lifetime. She saw right through me in a way only she could. She knew me better than I knew myself some days.
And I suppose, like me, I wouldn’t be here without her either.
