So I chanced left, and ran, and ran, until my eyes cleared. But still, I couldn’tfind him. Couldn’t see the car I hated but now loved like I did him.
Home was the next best option if he wasn’t around, so that’s where I ran,through the streets, through the rain, stepping in gross dirty puddles of water and drenching my outfit in grime. But I didn’t stop, not for a second, not to breathe, not to think. And I didn’t stop until I was home.
When I turned our street, my feet ran twice as fast, only breaking to wedge mykey into the door. I didn’t have the energy to question why I’d ran up Marcus’ steps and not my own, and maybe that was because I already knew why.
I pushed it open like whoever was doing this was chasing me, not taking abreath until I was inside.
It smelt like him, this home. That was another reason why I liked it here. It wasan extension of him, and when I barely got anything out of him in the beginning, this felt like another chapter of him he wouldn’t let me read just yet. It was pure safety, and that was exactly what I needed right now.
I slammed the door and rested my hands on my knees, heaving my way to thestairs. I climbed them so slowly I was sure I was on my way to passing out. The tears just kept coming, and I didn’t know how to stop them. How could they stop if this ghost that was haunting me had no face anymore? How could I relax for even a second when I didn’t know what or who was waiting for me to slip up?
My body officially gave up at the top of the landing. My legs curled up to mychest, my arms wrapped around them, and my head leant against the wall. Anyone would think no time had passed at all between now and Jamie attacking me. I was a mirror of that version of me I couldn’t recognise, and that only made me cry harder because all that progress, all the work I’d done to make sure what happened didn’t follow me around like a shadow, was fading quicker and quicker by the second.
I don’t know how long I sat there before I heard the door burst open. Part of meknew it was Marcus before I heard him, but still, hearing him call my name made sob, fuelled by nothing but relief. His body appeared at the bottom of the stairs, and soon enough I was in his arms, his body crouched down beside me, rocking me back and forth.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
He whispered my favourite words into my ear. I liked them so much because hethought about them. He could have told me I was okay, or he could have shushed me, and it made me like him that little bit more because he didn’t. Because I wasn’t okay, and I didn’t want to be shushed. I wanted someone to hold me whilst I cried as I realised how not okay I was.
And he did just that.
After a while he brushed the hair out of my face and looked at me, his eyeswarming every part of my face that they hit. “Can you stand up for me?”
I nodded, and slowly rose to my feet as he wordlessly lead me to the bathroom. He perched me on the end of his tub, and my eyes zoned out as the waterturned on. I turned my head just enough to watch him fill the tub with bubbles, a soft scent of lavender and vanilla filling the room in minutes.
When it was full he crouched in front of me, his hands on my knees. “Want meto leave whilst you get changed?”
I shook my head, and let him take my hand. There was no point in making himleave, it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen me naked before. And besides, I wanted him here. I wanted him full stop.
He helped me out of my clothes, and when his fingers grazed my skin all I feltwas warm, and safe, and I don’t know why it meant so much that I was naked and not one part of it was sexual, but it did.
I stepped into the tub and sank down into the warmth that was steaming up the black pearl tiles. Marcus must havegrabbed a stool from somewhere and perched himself next to me, and I wanted to tell him thank you, I wanted to tell him that I loved him… but I just couldn’t find the words right now.
“Can I?” He asked, pulling my hair out of the claw clip I’d shoved it in to.
I nodded, and before long he had a cup in his hands and was washing my hair, creating a lather that he massaged into my hair, soothing me that little bit more.
And it was times like this where I wondered why I resisted so hard with him.
His heart was solid gold. He was practically honey on toast and little did I know how much I craved that until he showed up. He was gentle, and kind, and so completely undeserving of the hate I pushed on him.
I leant my head back a little, enough that my eyes caught his. “Thank you.”
His smile stretched wide, and his eyes glowed like the tiles watching us. “Any time, angel.”
chapter thirty five
please pick up
“Hello?”
Her voice hadn’t changed. It was still sweet, and warm, and all the best parts of home.
I ran a hand over my face, sinking onto the step beneath me. I didn’t know whyI'd dialled, but I did. Maybe it was desperation. For Cora. For me to never see her that upset again.
Or maybe because I knew she could help her in a way I couldn’t.
My voice barely reached a whisper. “Lana?”
