"So therearekinks?" Her eyes lit up.
I pulled her mouth on to mine, savouring the taste of her out of pure disbelief that I got to see her this way, before pulling back and staring into my favourite colour. "Why do you think it didn't piss me off when you hated me?"
chapter thirty two
i volunteered for you
For a long time, I wondered if I’d ever know true peace.
I thought it would come from helping girls like Lana, or hearing that Lana forgave me, even though that day would never come. But never once did I imagine it would come from something as simple as a fire burning low and a couch shared with the girl who…who was I kidding… falling for.
Falling.
The word itself was hard to get used to, even inside my head.
Don’t ask me where I was falling, though. Could have been in like. Could have been in love. Could have been towards a bottomless pit when she eventually realised how unworthy I am of like or love.
But whatever. That’s not what I wanted to focus on right now. What I wanted was to soak up was every ounce of her as she lay on my chest and—
“Their ship name is Peenis, you know.”
I think, actually, I just fell past the signpost for Love.
Her head shook against my chest, and I barked out a laugh, letting it roll into the pillows stacked behind us.
I stroked her hair as my eyes went back to the screen. “I didn’t know that, but thank you for telling me.”
She snorted. “Technically it’s Everlark, but why call them that when you can call them Peeniss.” Another hushed laugh left me as she turned around slightly, beautifully dark eyes finding me. “Having fun?”
I nodded, my thumb smoothing over her temple. “I am.”
I really was, and I was trying to think of why I ever put this movie off in the first place.
She reached up quickly and kissed my jaw before settling back between my legs and resting her head on my chest.
It wasn’t long before we’d reached the point where Katniss had saved Rue, only for Jack Quaid to be a dick and shoot an arrow straight through Rue’s chest. I felt Cora stiffen as the scene unfolded, and when Katniss was laying flowers around Rue’s body, she sniffled.
“You okay there?” my voice was low, my hand finding hers and covering it.
She wiped at something, her head angling slightly to face me. “Grand.” She croaked. Then swiped again, her hand gesturing towards the screen. “It’s just so sad. She wanted to save Rue like she saved Prim, but she couldn’t. And not to spoil it, but she hates herself for it for the rest of the movies.”
“I don’t blame her,” I said, eyes blurry against the crown of her head.
And the only reason they were was because the longer I watched, the more I saw Lana and I.
That wasn’t a new thing. I saw her everywhere. Was reminded of what I hadn’t done everywhere. And every time I couldn’t—when I lost her in the leaves or couldn’t see her in a crowd—that pain in the corner of my eyes flared, and before I knew it, the world was cloudy.
She sniffled again. “Katniss did everything right, and it still wasn’t enough.”
She blinked quickly, looking straight ahead, not at me.
The movie kept playing, but I wasn’t watching anymore. My eyes stared past the screen, at a shadow in the corner of the room that could have really been there, but surely it couldn’t have been. And suddenly I was fourteen again.
In my head the world lit blue and red. Her groans filled with pain and aching defeaned me. The look on Oscars face when he saw what had happened was haunting me. And it had every right to. Because it was my fault. She wasn't around anymore because of me. Because I couldn't…
“I couldn’t save her,”
I hadn’t realised I’d spoken until her eyes were on me.
