I glance at his front door, paralyzed with fear. I want so badly to say yes, but I’m not ready for whatever lies on the other side of that door, what comes after I begin to pour some of my life into his personal space.
“Remember what you said about spending time alone together first?” I remind him.
“We have. We are. But.” He scratches his jaw, still unable to make eye contact. It occurs to me that this probably makes him feel a little sick, like he worries he’s pressuring me when all he’s doing, really, is stating his needs. “I mean, look at it from my perspective. This is my son. He’s ahugepart of my life, part ofme. Don’t I need to make sure you’re compatible with that? That youwantthat?”
“I want it,” I say in a rush. “Oh gosh, Alex, please don’t think I don’t want Miles. I do. I wish I could fast-forward to a time when we’re all used to each other, when we already feel like a family and all of my worries are gone.”
“There’s only one way to get to that stage,” he tells me, gentle but firm. “Listen, I’m not trying to rush you.” I squeeze his fingers in acknowledgment, because I understand. I truly do. “But you and I? What we talked about, getting on solid ground before introducing Miles? Honey, we’re there. It’s time to take the next step. I don’t want anybody else, I want you.” I nod to indicate I feel the same. “I only want to make sure we’re both all-in. Are you all-in, Romina?” I hear the subtext.Are you going to hurt me?
Of course I’m all-in.
That’s what I tell him, even though I still don’t go in inside. After he drops me off at home, it’s what I repeat to myself, until the words lose meaning.
Alex and Miles are a package deal, like he said. I can embrace that he’s a father because he’s agoodfather, but getting close to an already established family is terrifying. There’s no pep talk on Earth to make it less so. There might not be room for a permanent third person in that unit, which can’t be confirmed until I make an attempt to ingratiate myself. I’ve been drawing that out to avoid the sting of potential failure, rejection. Maybe Alex and I are puzzle pieces that used to fit together easily but have now changed shape.
Thinking in circles, I pace.
And pace.
I can’t lose Alex, but I’m going to if I can’t find some courage.Even Alexander King, a god among men, isn’t going to be patient forever.
The following evening, I duck into Moonville Market to stock up on food from the deli, deciding I’ll drop it off at Alex’s. He’s been a busy bird on his rooftop perches this week, which worries me sick—all day, I visualize him falling off roofs, which he thinks is funny.“Romina, I’ve been doing this for years. I’m careful. Trust me.”I don’t tell him that I’ve been researching safety statistics and that every year, there are fifty fatalities in the roofing industry. I want to trap him in a plastic ball like Bubble Boy, but I make myself feel better by bringing him food when he’s too tired to cook a decent meal for himself.
The lot is deserted when I stroll out of the market with two bags looped over each arm. To my left, Moonville Market’s digital sign is a bright rectangle against the deepening twilight, images flashing from the time of day to the temperature to a pixelated turkey.THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING LOCAL.My gaze skates along the powerlines, the contrast of black wires against sunset’s fiery reds and purples, a sense of peace filling me all the way up. I can feel it in my bones, even if I cannot see it: a bird looping over my head, wings strong but tired, waiting for the invitation to land. A purple larkspur somehow still alive in its beak.This.
Yes.
It’s Midsummer’s Eve, a curious time-trap in which impossibilities bleed through layers of invisible planes into ours. When, if you lay your hand to the bark of a pitch pine, you can feel the revelry of elves and fairies within.
This is a night for magic. It crackles and hums all around me.
My gaze happens to fall upon a black truck at the Sunoco across the street. A man is facing away from me, hanging up a gas pump nozzle. My heart beats wildly in my throat, the future expanding before me like sunlight gilding the horizon, beginning on this day, at this hour, this minute. A future that depends on me summoning courage I don’t completely feel yet, but that I have to trust I’ll grow into. Because Alex has communicated clearly what he needs, and this relationship isn’t just about me andmyneeds.
I reach into my pocket for my phone, tap the screen a few times, then hold it against my ear.
At a certain point, holding back doesn’t merely protect me, it actively hurts him. When I bring that fact into the light, all of my concerns shrink to shadows. Because you know what?
He and I aren’t doing the hurting-each-other thing anymore.
We’re past that. If I believe that we belong together—and I do—then isn’t he the safest place for all my fears? Isn’t it safe to have faith that we will be okay?
I watch him look down at his hand, phone light illuminating a smile as he answers it.
“You again,” he says.
Chapter Thirty-Four
ENCHANTER’S NIGHTSHADE:
You have bewitched my heart with your charms.
THEN
I quick-walk out the automatically opening doors of Moonville Market, face tilted up to catch the cool evening breeze.
This is my favorite time of day. The sky is a wavy purple smear on ocean blue, flares of ruby between the trees, the gas station and tire service shop across the street. The higher up it all goes, the darker it gets, stars twinkling. My ballet flats are pinching my toes after standing in one spot for so long, the cherry on top of an already bad shift. I hate it when kids I know from school go through my checkout. They’re visibly awkward and won’t look at me, as if I’ll judge them for buying Kid Cuisine TV dinners.
I dance to the steep slope at the edge of the parking lot where it spreads onto Vallis Boulevard, high beams lighting me up. I clutch my purse against my side as I turn, tucking a long brown strand behind my ear. Down a ways, the revolving milkshake above Pit Stop Soda Shop smiles tantalizingly. If I turn right, I can be in a stool licking ice cream off a cone in ten minutes. Maybe Corey will finally notice me.
