He waits.
“Do you remember what I told you about Adalyn? The daughter of a man I used to be with? How hard it was for me when we broke up and I never got to see Adalyn again?”
“Yes.” And then it clicks. “Oh.” All of his rigidity melts.“Oh.”
I hold up a staying hand just as he begins to move. He halts at once.
“It’s not that I think it would be the same experience all over again. You and Spencer aren’t the same person. Part of me knows that. But he was so kind to me until I moved in, kept calling me Angel. Which I thought was a sweet pet name, but there was a dark side to it.Angelbecame an expectation:Do whatever I want without complaint. After I moved in, the difference was night and day. I wanted to leave, but Adalyn came down with a fever—I know this is going off topic, but I’m just trying to illustrate—anyway, Adalyn came down with a fever of a hundred and three, but Spencer wouldn’t do anything about it, said she was fine. Turned out, she had an ear infection.”
He slides his hands into his pockets, listening. It surprises me, because I thought he would interrupt, try to change my mind before I’ve explained myself fully.
“Not long after, I went away to visit Zelda. When I came back, Adalyn had awful diaper rash, painful red blisters. There was dried snot all over her face, her clothes were a mess, the same clothes she was wearing when I left. I asked how Adalyn ate for him, because she was fussy, you’d have to be patient and wait for her to come around to it, and he said she ‘wasn’t hungry.’ That he tried to get her to eat but she only took a couple ounces and was full. That man did not try. I knew he didn’t.”
Alex nods, once.
“I didn’t trust him to parent this kid, so I thought, fine, the responsible thing to do was to stay for a couple weeks untilSpencer got his head straight. He hadn’t been single that long, maybe he was still reeling. Maybe he could see a therapist to help him bond with the baby, help with his traumas. I let him get away with a lot. I tried to track down the ex-wife, get child support if nothing else, but Spencer said no, she’d made her choice and didn’t want them, so he didn’t want anything from her, either. He worried that if she started paying child support, she’d end up with visitation, too, and would take Adalyn away.” The words are spilling out faster and faster. “His ex-wife was obviously unreliable, neither of them wanted anything to do with that baby. I’m the only one who gave her any attention. I missed so much work when Adalyn was sick that I had to quit my job—”
“You had towhat?”
“Spencer wasn’t going to stay home. I intended to go back to the daycare center eventually, but they replaced me. I got used to being with Adalyn all the time, taking her shopping, to the park. Spencer insisted on referring to me as the mama, so that’s what she called me.”
Grief breaks over his face. It hurts me just as much as my own grief, to see his reaction.
“It was Adalyn’s first word.” My voice is shaking. “I loved being her mom, Alex. I loved it so much. I know that I shouldn’t have stayed with Spencer for as long as I did, but that’s... that’s how it went, and I didn’t see the situation clearly to understand that loving Adalyn wasn’t reason enough to stay in that relationship, until much later. Eventually, I told him we were over and moved out. I said that I’d raised his daughter as my own and would like to adopt her, split custody. Things were looking like they might go in that direction, but then his ex-wife came back around, said she was finally ready to be a family. I had no legalclaim, so they cut me out of the picture. Didn’t even let me say goodbye, didn’t let me explain it to Adalyn—I have cried so many nights, imagining her confused, not knowing where I am, why I went away. Calling out for me. I still feel so much shame for not leaving earlier, but at the same time, regret for leavingat all, because of what I lost.”
He can’t hold himself back anymore. Alex folds me into his embrace, and it doesn’t feel like falling, like it felt last night when we danced. This feels like being caught, an unbreakable net of understanding and warmth, like he’s tucked me away inside of his own heart for safekeeping.
“I loved that little girl,” I sob.
He murmurs my name, his hand rubbing circles over my back.
“I begged him to let me visit her and explain that I didn’t choose to leave her, but he acted like I was being unreasonable, like I was being selfish. Said it would be better for everyone if I never contacted them again.”
“That’s terrible. I don’t even know what to... I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry for getting your shirt wet.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. The whole time you were telling me about this, I was imagining Miles and José. José has helped raise Miles with Kelsey, loves him like he’s his own. If things went south in their marriage, I’d be devastated if he got shut out of Miles’s life. My heart breaks for you. I know you must have been a wonderful mom to Adalyn. But I think I can see now, that my suggestion of having breakfast with my son today probably brought some feelings back.”
I nod.
“When I said we’d have breakfast together, that’s really allI meant to happen. I’d intended a friendly thing, nothing serious, I wasn’t going to tell him we were dating or anything like that at this point, that’s not how I operate as a dad—”
“Of course.” I feel like an idiot. “Yeah, that’s...” My voice fades away. I keep trying to grasp for language and fail. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just want to feel stable. If I start dating anyone again, I want to feelsure.”
“Can you ever really be sure of anyone, in the beginning?”
He has a point.
“I know I sound irrational, not to mention presumptuous. We’re not even dating and here I am, demanding a guaranteed, seamless happy-ever-after.”
“What you sound like,” he tells me lowly, gently, “is someone who’s been badly hurt before, and you want to avoid being hurt again.” He lifts a shoulder and lets it fall. “Makes perfect sense. I don’t know what the future holds. We’ve got so much ahead of us. But stable? I can show you stable.”
Alex King: incorrigible problem-solver.
“You and me...” He pauses. “Do you want to be ayou and me? Does any part of you want that? Even though another part of you is afraid?”
My heart flutters, betraying me. “Yes,” I whisper.
