Love Islandstar flaunts sculpted butt on the beach. NSFW!
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“Oh,Hall,” I say in hushed tones.
He furiously tries to X out of his pages, but the screen freezes up. I don’t think Hall is ready for the Internet.
The first jab from Jake certainly wakes Felix up and reclaims my attention. He’s too slow to react, absorbing Jake’s parry in the left pectoral muscle.
“My pec!” He gazes imploringly at Marilou. “He got my pec. Youlovethat pec.”
“That pec is dead to me until you’ve won this duel.”
“Marilou, please. Iloveyou.”
“That’s fine.” She is unfazed.
“Think of Adrian. He needs his parents to stay together. Do you want him growing up sad and miserable in a broken home?”
Two of Felix’s children from previous marriages throw pine cones at him. Meanwhile, Jake’s sauntering fluidly about, smirking as he feints, knocking Felix off-kilter.
“Mr. Jake, what is your job?” Avenue pipes up.
“I’ve had many jobs. I’ve been a diving instructor, a lifeguard, a karaoke host at Knott’s Berry Farm, and a guest experience associate at Hollywood Wax Museum. But now, I’m a fireman.”
“Oooh!” they chorus. Mom and Marilou raise their eyebrows appreciatively.
“Do you have any pets?” Octavian asks.
“I have seven.” He stabs Felix in the thigh, then dances backward. “A rabbit, three fish, a dog, a cat.” He winks at Minnesota Moon. “And a pony. She’s a sweet old girl named Savannah.”
“I wishJakewere my uncle,” laments Honeysuckle Lou. “Why did we have to get stuck with Uncle Felix? He doesn’t even have any ponies.”
“I heard he’s employed bynepotism, whatever that means,” Ichabod adds.
“I saw a picture of him from 1998 and his hair had frosted tips,” says Domino. The kids snicker.
Felix scowls. Lunges for Jake.
I can’t help but root for him. He’s so hapless and uncoordinated, but slowly, determination is mounting. He can’t let this guy with amazing calves destroy him in his grandparents’ perilously steep front yard while his wife and kids watch. “Come on, Felix!” I yell. “You can do it!”
He doesn’t glance my way, but there’s a trace of surprise on his face. He blinks. Gets a good hit in on Jake, who exclaims loudly.
“Touché!”
“Thanks.” Felix rolls his shoulders, jumping from side to side like a boxer in the ring. Grandma shouts corrections about his form, which was inescapable because she did a boxing movie twenty years ago and still fancies herself an authority. “You’re not gonna steal my girl.”
“No interest! Happily married, man.”
“How’d you convince him to come here and fight Felix?” I ask Marilou.
She smiles wanly. “I offered him money, actually, but he turned it down. Said he’d do it for the story.”
Right. The chance to fight Felix Hughes must be tempting. He’s landed on a lot of Most Punchable Celebrities lists.
Jake has better technique, but Felix has desperation. He’s unpredictable, steps jagged, and after sneaking one successful jab he builds up his confidence to land another. Another. Another. A small smile plays at his lips. Jake stumbles, falls; he shakes his hair from his face as he stands, breaths deepening. They circle each other like wolves, dragging their swords against the earth. Rich people settle their disputes in really unhealthy ways.
Hall takes me aside, looking agitated. “I’m experiencing ugly-colored feelings about Jake’s dexterity with a sword. I’ve seen jealousy exhibited in others, but I’ve never felt it from my own point of view. I’m astonished by the physical aspects of this emotion. My stomach is sick! I’m trying to seem happy so that nobody notices, because I don’t want to vocalize these unacceptable feelings, but smiling when my stomach feels like mildewed oatmeal is unnatural.”
