“This is Jake.” Marilou smiles prettily. “You’re going to duel him. If you win, you get to keep me as your wife.”
*
The staggering silence lasts five seconds.
“Excuse me,what?” I blurt.
“What? Who’s Jake?” Felix’s head swings from his wife to the man, whose name he cannot grasp. “What?”
“Jake.”Marilou peers at him with an impatient, meaningful look. “Jake Lim! You know?”
“Your scuba instructor from forever ago?”
“Hey.” Jake Lim waves.
Marilou’s irritation clears, her brilliant smile back in place. “That’s right.”
“Who’s this?” Grandpa asks, strolling into the room. He’s carrying one of his wooden mallard ducks under his arm, which I see has been glued to a small surfboard. Hall leaves no mallard unturned.
“This is Jake Lim,” I tell him brightly. “He was Marilou’s scuba instructor, we are learning.”
“When I met Marilou,” Felix says to us, staring numbly at Jake, “she was dating both of us. Jake and I both wanted to be exclusive. We presented reports, ten pages, double-spaced, discussing what each of us could bring to a relationship.” I believe it. Marilou’s very pragmatic, with a love of laminated pro/con lists; she tutors fifth-graders and regularly tasks them with writing letters to their representatives, reminding them of promises they’ve yet to follow through on.
“And I picked you.” Marilou’s lip curls. “How lucky. Did you even type that yourself, or did you have somebody else do it?”
“How could you evenaskme that?”
Felix’s gasp is a dead giveaway. Marilou seizes him by the wrist, then drags him out into the front yard. Jake is holding a sword. Two swords. Two long, slender swords with crimson cross handles. Marilou snatches one, tossing it to my brother, who high-steps to the side to avoid getting nicked.
“What are youdoing?”
“Who is this?” It’s Grandma, joining us in the yard, gesturing to Jake.
“It’s Jake Lim, from scuba-ing,” Sean pipes up, eyeing the swords doubtfully. “He’s going to duel Felix, and if Felix loses, Marilou’s leaving him.”
Jake waves politely again. “Hey, what’s up.”
“Now we’re cooking.” Grandma rubs her hands together. “A duel! I haven’t seen one of these in years.”
Felix doesn’t budge, gaping at his wife. “Are you kidding me?”
“I am not.” She’s telling the truth. I’ve never seen her like this—her smile is pleasant as always, but a cold fire flares in her eyes. Hall notices, too. He kicks one of the swords farther away from my sister-in-law.
Felix tries for an I’m Too Adult For This pose, fists on hips. “I’m not dueling anybody. There arechildrenpresent.”
“Fight!” Domino and Minnesota Moon yell, bloodthirsty. “Fight! Fight!”
“There’s no need for that.” Hall raises his arms, a figure of peace. “Let’s go inside and talk about the common habits of contemporary American adults. I, for one, keep opening up the LinkedIn app on my phone, even though there’s never anything good on there. But right after I close it out,whomp-whomp!Next thing I know, I’m right back on one of my four favorite apps.” He lets his arms fall. “Just a relatable little anecdote about me.”
I pat his shoulder. “I think you’re using ‘whomp-whomp’ wrong.”
“You mean ‘whoomp,’ ” Grandpa shouts helpfully.
Marilou looks at Felix and shrugs. “Duel for my hand. Or forfeit, and I divorce you. These are my terms.”
“Hey, Felix.” Kaia cups her hands around her mouth, stage-whispering from fifteen feet away. “I think Marilou saw Callista’s Instagram.”
“Shut up, Kaia!” he snaps, because he really wants to yell at somebody, and if he yells at Marilou, he’s going to have to give her the house in Corona del Mar. He’ll be left a pauper with homes only in Pacific Palisades, New Orleans, and his favorite: the Miami Beach condo with mirrors on every ceiling and a six-foot neon flamingo.
