“It made you laugh, so I, um. Drew one for you.”
It’s rather pathetic, actually. Since I couldn’t stop thinking aboutHall today but didn’t have much opportunity to chat with him (Grandma was hogging him. He’s an eager audience for all her wild stories that the rest of us have already heard), I was wandering in the tower room, reading more of Felix’s oldLeon of Naplesscript, when I saw the card again. I remembered how it made Hall laugh.
It got me thinking that I would very much like to make him laugh some more. At Cracker Barrel, he said he likes that I surprise him. With this information in mind, I schemed up one-liners designed to do just that.
He takes a look, and it’s just as I hoped:
He laughs from the heart, hand on his chest. “ ‘Congratulations on your engagement,’ ” he reads. “ ‘You’re lucky to have me.’ ” He raises an eyebrow, eyes mischievous. “Is that so?” Then, he admires my logo on the back, which I’ve updated from my childhood days. TheHughes & Co.is now accompanied by a holly leaf.
“What do you think of the drawing?”
He turns it over. “Very... why nachos?”
“I was hungry.”
Another laugh from him, and now I’ve become quite smug. I used to make these sorts of cards all the time but grew out of it. After picking up the old hobby again today, I had aball. Since I didn’t have anything else to do, I spent an hour happily losing myself drawing a dozen other cards that nobody would ever want.
Thinking of (Doing) You
Retirement Is the Time for New Adventures! Let’s Open Up Our Marriage
Beware, the Veil Is Thin Tonight. Xoxo Slugs and Hisses
Your Aunt’s Been Talking About You Behind Your Back. I Don’t Want to Get Involved, Just Wanted to Let You Know
The part that amuses me most is imagining the expressions on people’s faces if I inflicted these jokes from me to myself onto them, with no further explanation.
“And here’s another present, from you to me,” I tell him, handing him a different piece of paper.
He’s all anticipation, but as he scans the first few lines, I watch his excitement melt away.
“It’s a list of names,” he remarks uncertainly. “Who are these people?”
“They’re gossip writers. I want you to wish them ill. Notphysicallyill, but, you know...” I gesture to the second column, labeledIdeas.
“ ‘Melt their shoes with liquid nitrogen,’ ” Hall reads. “ ‘Remove their door handles. Make their hands smell like creamed corn no matter how often they wash them. When they pass a window, have them see a giant sloth staring back.’ ” His stare flickers back up to mine, no longer amused. “Bettie, I thought you’d gotten revenge out of your system.”
“What gave you that impression?”
Hall lowers the list, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “This is what you’ve been working on for the past two hours? You said you were planning a fun Christmas surprise.”
“I did! Fun for me, surprise for everyone else. And that’s notallI was doing. I was also making your card. Remember how much you like your fun card?” I flash a winsome grin.
Hall rakes a hand through his hair and turns away, deliberatingfor a moment. Then I hear aclickof the kitchen doorknob as it locks, and he picks me up by the waist without warning. I emit an “Ahh!” that is a cross between gasp and squeak as he deposits me onto the counter next to rolled pie crust and a sack of flour.
“Bettie,” he says, stepping directly between my knees. He plants his fists on the countertop on either side of me. Tilts his head in faint exasperation. “What. Are. You. Doing.”
Truthfully, I don’t remember what I was doing. All I can concentrate on is Hall’s intense eye contact. “Uhh.”
“The water buffalo you had me put in that woman’s apartment,” he goes on when I remain too thunderstruck to speak. “Did it make you feel better?”
I swallow, then force out a “Yes.”
When he merely keeps staring at me, I cross my arms over my chest. “It did! A little.”
“In the moment, it made you feel better. But then later on? How did you feel the next day?”
I bite my lip. “I don’t feel sorry for Kelly Frederick.”
