I try to say the words. To remind myself of the mantra I’ve held onto, my only lifeline in a place where I’m doomed to disappear.
My name is Vi…
But I can’t finish the mantra. Why? Why can’t I finish the sentence? It’s like I can’t remind myself of who I was because everything has changed. Even if I say no, even if I resist, Daddy will force me to do these things, and he’ll condition me to like it.
And I want to obey him. I want to erase my loyalty to her. Won’t it be easier to forget those thoughts, the guilt, and the failure? To destroy the reasons why I started this in the first place? To belong to him and only him? To finally accept what forever means?
Maybe I can do something else first.
Maybe I can get her this time.
I grab the pill bottle from the tray and open it. The contents fall into my hands. Four small blue capsules, ones my boyfriend and I filled by hand with powdered poison.
I break the first pill open above her mouth. The white powder falls onto her tongue. My throat constricts. I could use the pills on Daddy or save them for myself—a way out of this fucked-up existence—but I open each pill, letting the powder fall like snow into her mouth, until all I have left are the empty blue shells and the orange container. Ghosts of a promise. Of hope. Of loss.
Living with Daddy like this for twenty-five years is enough of a punishment, I tell myself. This is a mercy killing.
“Why are you killing her instead of me, sweet one? Is it because you feel sorry for her?” Daddy laughs.
My blood runs cold. “I’m doing this to save her.”
He licks his lips, closing the distance between us.
“No, sweet one,” he says. “It’s not about her. It’s about you. You can’t stand the thought of sharing my attention with her any longer. If you could, you’d kill every single woman in this room.”
My chin quivers. I gulp hard and turn back to my mother. Her mouth is open, her tongue covered in powder.
Is Daddy right?
Maybe I don’t want to share Daddy’s attention anymore.
Maybe he is right.
Maybe—
I put my hand under her chin and close her mouth.
She coughs, rattling the gurney. I jump back.
“Mom?” Tears fill my eyes. “Mom?”
Daddy puts a small bucket of water in my hands, then he slams the narrow end of a funnel between her teeth.
Her body convulses. He keeps the funnel steady.
“Let’s do this the right way,” he says. “We need to end this once and for all.”
And Daddy knows best.
I pour the water into the funnel. She jerks so much, some of the liquid splashes onto the gurney and floor. I keep adding water. Once the bucket is empty, Daddy tosses the funnel, then pinches her nose and mouth shut, forcing her to swallow. Her body thrashes.
After a while, she stops.
My world spirals, and I’m surrounded by him. Only him.
It’s only us now.
Daddy holds my hips. “Now, fuck her face.”
