Ravi moved forward in his seat and took my hands in his. He told me I was going through a lot, most of it work-related. He said I looked troubled and moody lately. He told me to chill, think it through and then decide.
I shook my head. However much this was going to hurt him or me, I wasn’t going back on it. I already felt lighter having told him about it.
We didn’t say a word to each other for another five to ten minutes, both of us staring in different directions.
‘Take your time,’ he urged again.
I shook my head.
‘So you want to end it right here? Just like that?’
‘Ah, ah.’ I nodded.
‘What’s the reason for this, Myra?’
‘It’s me, it’s my fault, Ravi. I think of you as a friend. I can’t think of you as more than a friend.’ I had tried, god knows.
‘So what? That’s where the best of love stories begin.’
I shook my head.
He sat back in his chair and wrapped his hands across his chest; he did that when he needed a moment to think. ‘You know, in your position, life is not easy. I can helpyou,’ he said, pausing before adding, ‘We’re good together. Everything else we can work out later.’
So this was what it was all about? The great rescue act. Myra Rai needed help. My eyes burned. So, all the times he’d said I was beautiful and strong and that he loved me inside out…
‘No,’ I said. I was fighting back tears. ‘It’s not enough, Ravi. You deserve love, for the woman you marry to be in love with you.’
He was looking down, at his hands or feet probably, for a while, and then suddenly, without a word, he picked up his car key and exited the restaurant.
I sat there for a few seconds, immobilized. Then I followed him out a little after settling the bill. This was the only time he hadn’t paid when we had gone out.
As I exited the coffee shop, I noticed a familiar frame. Her back was to me; she had just turned. Thank goodness. The last thing I needed at this moment was to run into Meena Iyer.
I walked back to office, a 10–12-minute trek, tears rolling down my cheeks. I was sad yet relieved.
This was a relationship that had steered me through my darkest days. Ravi had facilitated bringing my mother home on her last journey; he had made it as painless as possible. He was with me when I had no friends. He met me at short notice, filling in the blanks without realizing he was doing it. He was there when I missed Mummy, he was there when Andrew was out of my life, he was there when I was just starting out as a professional. Had he not thrown the power card at me today, it may have remained a cut that never healed.
Chapter 22
I was in a white salwar kurta. I don’t know why I had chosen white for a jail visit. My rust-brown dupatta was lying on the desk like an exotic decoration. I was leaving for Parappana Agrahara (Bangalore Central Jail) in an hour. I had kicked off my slippers and drawn my left knee to my chest. I was feeling heavy. I exhaled.
You know, in your position, life is not easy. I can help you.
I don’t know why I was allowing this remark or was it an offer – more like a confession actually – to colour what I had shared with Ravi. He’s right.We are good together.Weweregood together. Even if it came as an afterthought that Saturday afternoon.
Ravi had called a couple of days later. He wanted to meet for coffee.
‘I’d love that,’ I said. ‘I’d love for us to meet as friends.’ As equals.
He was quiet for a while. I was tired. I rested my hand on my desk, holding the phone to my ear. The silence was increasingly uncomfortable.
‘That’s okay then,’ he said and disconnected.
A week or so later, I called to check if he was okay. Not that I expected him to be drowning his sorrows in single malt, but I wanted to reach out. He didn’t answer my call. He sent me a WhatsApp message the following morning. It was one of those send-this-to-10-people kind of thing. Ravi scarcely forwarded stuff to me, much less anything like this.
It bothered me that I hadn’t salvaged anything from what I had shared with Ravi. As yet, I reminded myself. Maybe years on, we could meet and chat. Until then, he’d probably no more than acknowledge me in public. If that, even.
It was that loss of exchange with Ravi that made me more determined to re-establish my friendship with Andrew.
