Borin’s fingers grip the front of Micah’s shirt as he sobs, and I wrap my arms around him, crying as well. We remain huddled together for what feels like forever and not long enough. Neither of us are ready to let go and face the truth. Life will go on without our king.
“Raelle. Borin. We need to move somewhere safer,” Kyron gently says, helping me to my feet.
I grasp onto him, letting him take the brunt of my weight as I reach a hand to Borin. He places Micah’s head on the ground and crosses his arms over his chest. With a last kiss to the back of his husband’s hand, he stands and wipes the tears from his eyes. Turning to a group of palace guards, he says, “Go to the Mansi’s residence, inform them of the king’s death, and escort them back to the palace.” Borin turns to Kyron. “Micah wanted his final resting place to be the family catacombs in Stigian.”
“And it will be,” Kyron promises, looping my arm in Borin’s.
The prince nods at Terro and Greer, who stand bloody and battered off to the side. They and three other guards surround Micah and lift him to their shoulders. The people that have gathered part, creating a path. Everyone, even the Stigian warriors take a knee and place their fists to their hearts. Borin and I follow them, fighting to remain on our feet and hold stoic expressions. When we reach the midpoint of the group, a voice calls out, “May the Statera bless the reign of Raelle Mansi, Queen of Lucent.”
“Blessed be the queen,” everyone responds in one voice.
“Head high,” Borin says with a raspy voice and resting his hand on my in the crook of his elbow. “It is time to do what you were born for and make my Micah proud.”
I lift my chin and keep my gaze focused ahead. “I will not fail him,” I vow.
And with that, I begin my reign.
Twenty
The carriage rocks back and forth and its wheels crunch over the cobblestone roadway leading to the Stigian sanctuary. The plush benches and soft decorative pillows do nothing to bring me any comfort. I’ve sat ramrod straight with my hands folded in my lap for hours. My black mourning dress is stifling. The high neckline squeezes my throat, and the full skirt is hot and irritating against my skin. But it is the crown perched upon my head that weighs upon me the most. The delicate woven iron and rubies crush me.
My oath to my kingdom as their new sovereign was a rushed and quiet affair. Hours after Micah’s death, I stood before the Divine Sibyl inside Lucent’s sanctuary. No one in my family was present. None of my new subjects were invited. With Borin, Kyron, Leif, Greer, and Terro as my witnesses, I swore to serve Lucent for the rest of my life as their queen.
I glance across the carriage to Borin. His chin rests in his palm as he stares out the window at the city where his husband grew up. This place is so different from the kingdom they built together. The grandeur of Stigian is a far cry from the simple beauty of Lucent. It doesn’t matter how high the buildings or how spectacular the lights, this place will never compare to our home. With a long exhale, he shifts, and I lift my gaze from my hand. We lock eyes, neither of us saying a word.
I have never had a reason to question his loyalty; never worried that he would abandon me to find my way alone as queen. But I wonder if the horrific death of his husband will be his breaking point. It’s because of me that his parah lays in the horse-drawn hearse as we follow in the funeral procession. I should have never pulled Micah from the battle. I should have paid more attention. How could I miss the hawk swooping in? How could I let Micah push me out of the way?
“It is all right to grieve, Raelle,” Borin says, worry resonating in his brown eyes.
I nod and run the back of my hand over my face. “You lost your parah. I should be caring for you. I feel so helpless.” A tear streaks down my cheeks. “So fucking helpless.”
Borin leans forward and pinches my chin between his thumb and index finger, forcing me to look at him. “You did not lead the Allaji into Lucent. You did not send Micah out into that battle. That was his choice. You were not the one who pierced his body. You didnotkill Micah. Do you hear me? You did not kill him.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I didn’t do those things, but it doesn’t change the guilt that festers inside me. The repercussions of my actions affect more than just Micah and Borin. I’ve upended my family. My mother and siblings ride in the carriage behind us, unable to remain in their home for fear that my enemy will return to Lucent and harm them to get to me. I’ve left my people with the rubble after the battle. They’re burying our dead while I flee to another kingdom. I can’t help but to feel like I’m abandoning them when they need me the most.
But duty calls me to Stigian.
I must bury the king and discuss with our ally the next step to ending this war.
I’ve never felt so torn, so incapable.
“Micah loved you, Raelle,” Borin says. “I know my parah and dying in place of you was worth it to him.”
His words are true. Micah willingly gave his life to save me, and I believe he would do it again and again if he could. But the king isn’t the one who is here. He isn’t the one living with the pain caused by a separation from the one he was made for.
“How can you not resent me?” As I say the words, my heart cracks.
I can’t stomach the notion of him looking at me with disdain for therest of his life. He is my mentor, the man who readied me to take the crown. I wouldn’t blame him for turning away, unable to face the pain of knowing I lived when his husband didn’t. If he turned his back on me, I couldn’t do this without his counsel, support, and love.
The carriage stops and everything around us goes silent. Borin lowers to his knees before me and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, bringing our foreheads together. “Do you not know, precious girl? Micah didn’t do anything I would not have done. I would die for you, my queen.”
I throw my arms around him and release the pent-up emotion that has swelled inside me. Sobs rattle my body as he embraces me. We hold on to each other, exchanging comforting words and squeezing tighter when the other feels like they need to be held together. Life may have dealt us a hand filled with anguish and despair, but it hasn’t ripped everything from us. In this moment, we need to grasp on to those we love and appreciate every second gifted to us.
We release each other, wiping our eyes and flashing sad smiles. The pain isn’t gone; it’s just bearable knowing we have one another.
The coachwoman opens the door, giving Borin and me a knowing nod. “When you are ready, Your Majesty.”
Borin exits and holds his hand out to me. I grip his fingers, not ready to face my first task as queen, but thankful that I have him to see me through.
