“Please take off your shoes,” she said. “I don’t want to get my space messy.”
“Are you still talking to that psychiatrist I hired for you?” I asked. “Does he know about this shit?”
“Look who’s home!” She rushed off before giving me an answer, rushing right into the arms of a man who had the hairy chest of a grizzly bear.
His shorts are even shorter than hers…
“Wow, Nicholas Saint.” He waved at me. “A real-life multimillionaire in the flesh. Amazing.”
“I’ll say.” Another man—this one with the slicked, oiled chest of a mannequin—walked into the room and kissed her on the lips. “We’ve been wanting to meet you for a while.”
What in the actual fuck is this?
I stood guard by the door, debating whether Jenna and I should make a run for it and leave Mr. Reaves here.
He was smiling a bit too much for my liking.
“Well?” My mom jumped down from the bear and picked up a tray of food from… somewhere. “Are you going to join us for some holiday cheer?”
“Sure.” Jenna nodded and made her way over, with Mr. Reaves following.
I held back a sigh and took off my shoes.
Joining them around the food—multiple pies, casseroles, and some type of meat I definitely wasn’t touching—I allowed one of the guys to give me a towel to sit on.
I took out my phone to check my email, but they suddenly started saying, “Oh nooo, oh nooo,” in unison.
“What the hell is going on with you all?” I asked.
“No phones are allowed in here.” My mom shook her head. “The internet is evil, and so are most of the ingredients that make up our cell phones.”
“Theingredients?”
“Yeah, man,” Grizzly Man said. “All that plastic, metal, and the cobalt from the mines. It gets into your mind, your system, and before you know it, you’re a walking robot.”
“Yeah, I believe I read that somewhere.” Mr. Reaves nodded. “You are what you use.”
“Exactlyyyy,” Grizzly Man agreed.
“Material possessions are for the weak.” My mom lit a candle. “Humans lived for years without the modern-day conveniences we have now, and I’m so grateful to have found this new way of living.”
“Mom, I hate to break it to you, but this new way of living is a cult.”
“Shhhh!” She shook her head. “The c-word isn’t allowed here.”
I’m definitely calling your psychiatrist…
“The only c-word that is allowed here is celestial,” she said, pointing to the men. “These are your celestial dads.”
No, the hell they’re not…
“They came to me just when I needed companionship and taught me about all the ways my soul and body can be pleasured beyond the realm of grief.”
“I don’t want to hear about your sex life, Mother.”
“This isn’t about sex. It’s about so much more than that…” She waved her hand, confirming that this was definitely a cult. “It’s about being, and one day, whenever you realize that life is more than money and business, you’ll see it, too.”
Jenna smiled politely as Celestial Dad #2 widened his legs, looking like he was about to jack off right in front of us; thankfully, it was just a wedgie.
