Once I follow all the instructions on the back of the box, I set the test on the counter and pace the bathroom as it loads my future on its tiny little screen. The blinking bar mocks me as I stare between it and my reflection in the mirror.
What else is going to be loaded onto my shoulders before I completely self-destruct? I thought I had a good handle on my emotions until now.
Adding another baby means that all the plans I had will be put on hold. What will this mean for my job? And will Damian even want to be a big brother?
My mind is whirling, making me feel dizzy as I play the waiting game with my future. One that I see myself losing at.
But maybe this time won’t be as bad as the first time. Steven and I are together now with no secrets between us anymore. Damian is growing fast, and I know he’d make a wonderful brother. We are all living together, without the worry of anyone finding out, since the truth is out.
His family is out of our lives…
Is this really such a bad thing?
My biggest accomplishment is being the best mother I can be. Why not just add to that? I center my entire life around my son. The only thing this will change is him having to share my love. I have plenty to go around.
The test beeps below me, and for the first time since the idea came to my head earlier, I’m not scared. I’m hopeful…
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in. As I exhale, I grab the test and open my eyes quickly. The smiley face and the wordpositivestare back at me, and all the nerves I felt previously immediately dissipate, leaving only sheer excitement in its place.
This is it … It’s really happening.
I’m really going to be a mother again.
Shaking my head in disbelief, I smile at myself in the mirror. I plan on practicing how I’m going to tell Steven, but it’s too late as the front door opens, causing me to jump slightly.
“Mommy!” Damian yells from the living room. “Come see what I found for you.” I can’t help the smile that forms again. He’s such a sweet soul, and I can’t wait to tell him the good news. I just hope he doesn’t think he’s being replaced.
I’m an only child as well, but I wish I had siblings to grow up with. Maybe he feels the same way I did.
Just as I’m about to open the bathroom door, Steven knocks. “Hey, we’re home. How was your day?”
Clearing my throat, I decide that it’s now or never, and I swing the door open. My eyes grow wide, and his smile fades. “What’s wrong?” he asks, and as I hand him the test, I am hoping that this doesn’t send him over the edge.
His eyes dart down to the test he is now holding and then back up to me. My heart races as I wait for him to say or do anything, but he freezes, and his face goes pale white.
Maybe I should’ve waited a little bit to break the news, but I remember how that went the first time. A little bit turned into almost five years.
I couldn’t do that to our family again…
