“Probably,” I said.
She rubbed her face. “But you love New York.”
“I like New York,” I said, “but the part you may have been missing was that I only stayed here for you. It was like we were married.”
Her eyebrows shot toward the ceiling.
“Not in a weird horror movie way. I just felt like you were my family, and Hannah was my kid. I felt like I didn’t need a husband to talk about my day with, because I had you. And I didn’t need a kid, because I had Hannah. And when you picked up and left, it made me realize it was an illusion. Your family is you and Hannah, and maybe Nick. And I’m just an aunt.”
“You are the most important member of my family.”
“Fine, but can pick up and leave me anytime, and take Hannah with you. And that’s okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be. But I can’t live vicariously through you anymore.”
She considered this for a long moment. “Growing up the way we did, I think we always had to be the center of each other’s lives.”
“I agree. But I need something of my own. I’m afraid that if I don’t try, I’ll miss my chance. And that means I need space. It means I can’t watch Hannah every day. I have to meet people. Date more. And maybe find someone whose life is centered around me, too.”
“And you couldn’t just go to Queens?”
“Ilikedit there. But I’d need the same thing if I stay in New York. And it’s not about abandoning Hannah, or you. I want to be the center of someone’s life. I deserve that. And that’s not what you can offer me. It’s not what youshouldoffer me.”
She nodded. “Okay. If that’s what you need, then okay. I want you to be happy.” I could feel my face flushing, like I was gettingready to cry. She was giving me permission to have a life without her. I hadn’t known that she would.
“So what do you think about me and Nick?” she asked. “If you were being honest, for once.”
I considered the question for a long moment, trying to figure out whether I was tiptoeing into a minefield. “It sounds like he’s capable of fitting you guys into the life he already has, but he’s not capable of fitting his life around you. So the question is, is that enough for you?”
Laura took a deep breath. “You know how you said you need someone who puts you first? I need someone who puts me and Hannah first. Or at least someone who meets me in the middle.”
“Then that’s it. That’s what you need. If he can’t give up anything to keep you, then you’re not his top priority. His career is.”
Laura nodded, slowly. “I’d really miss you if you move to Newfoundland.”
“I probably won’t. They’re not handing out a whole lot of visas.”
“But if you got one, you’re going?”
“I think so.”
“I want that for you,” she said finally. “Your own life.”
“Me, too.”
As I gotinto bed that night, Paul texted me. My heart leapt, opening it.
What’s your address? I want to send you something.
I gave it to him. I wondered if he was going to send more improv books.
I stared at my phone for a long time. Then I wrote him, very late that night, long after he was probably in bed.I miss Newfoundland.
I sat there for a long moment, and then wrote,I miss you.
I sent it.
In the morning, he hadn’t written me back.
I shippedmy presents to Lisette and Mrs. Mahoney later that day and got a text from Lisette when I was leaving the post office.
