“Just sorting all this out.”
I could feel my eyes tearing up. I hadn’t cried in months, and now it was coming. “I miss you,” I said. “And I miss Hannah. And I didn’t mean to fight with you.”
“Hey, I’m the one who left you. You were right about that, so I can’t get mad.”
“Are you going to buy a house with him?” I asked.
“No,” Laura said, and sighed. “We’re not going to buy a house. I think even he realized that was crazy. I did find a job, though. It’s less than I was making in New York, but it’s something. And I’ll have to get Hannah a babysitter for the days when Nick can’t get her from school.”
“How are they getting along? Her and Nick?”
“Not that well, actually. He keeps trying to set rules and she doesn’t want to hear it from him. She’s normally such a good kid but it’s like she’s deliberately testing him.”
“Well, he was away a lot. Maybe she wants to see if he’s serious about sticking around.”
“I know, it’s just hard.”
“It may just be a difficult adjustment period. But it will sort itself out.”
“Yeah. It may be that.” Laura sighed again. “So do you love this guy?”
“Maybe. I mean we haven’t even… But I could. I could love him.” I had a horrible feeling that the honest answer was a lot simpler than that.
“Well, don’t decide you’re in love with him before you decide if you’re going to stay.”
“I can’t stay. I can apply for a visa, maybe, but—even under the best of circumstances, I was always going to be a bit of a tourist here unless I got a visa to live here full-time, and…and now it looks like I can’t even be a digital nomad. I’m being dragged back to the office.”
“Then try not to get too emotionally involved, right?”
“Right. I know. That makes sense.”
Laura had given me the practical answer. I knew she would. I just didn’t want to hear it.
Paul calledme the next day, a little after noon. His voice sounded hoarse.
“So,” he said. “My mother is gone. I brought her back to her rental apartment. She’s not going to be speaking to me for the next few weeks, but it means that I am free tonight, and I would very much like to take you to dinner.”
I took a deep breath. He was still asking me out, in spite of knowing I might be leaving. I’d grown so pessimistic that I felt a little shocked. “I’d like that.”
“Excellent. Do you have any food preferences at all?”
“I insist on dining on a boat in very choppy water.”
“Didn’t I tell you all the best restaurants in St. John’s are on boats?”
“Perfect.”
“Is 7 p.m. okay?”
“7 p.m. is great.”
I spent the rest of my free time that day going to shops and trying on dresses, having decided that the only dress I’d brought to Canada made me look like the libidinous spinster in a Tennessee Williams play. I bought a delicate green dress that expressed a lot more optimism than I could muster and put my hair up into something resembling a twist. It felt like I owed it to Paul to suppress my despair until at least the dessert course.
He’s probably just trying to get laid before you go, the pessimistic voice in my head said.
I shook it off. If Paul had really kicked out his mother, it meant he was trying to be better. So could I. Lucas had teased me about cleansing my negativity, but it made a lot of sense. Maybe I did need a spiritual Live Laugh Love sign after all. Maybe I shouldn’t assume the worst quite so consistently.
I spent so much time worrying about how I should do my make-up and hair that I entirely forgot that Paul would also be dressed up until he showed up at my front door in a tie and his blue woolen peacoat coat. The sight of him made me shy for a moment.
