The reflection is distorted and makes my face look round. “I look like a frog in this spoon.”
He pulls it. “But you know you’re stunning.”
“Then why won’t you kiss me?”
He stares at me for a moment, and I fear he’s trying to come up with an excuse. “You’ve never kissed before, have you?”
“I had a huge beak during most of the day, and no birds my size.”
“That’s the problem. You spent years on that island, alone. I don’t think you… I’m not saying you’re immature, but you are not ready for a kiss.”
“It’s just a kiss.”
“It’s still your first. Imagine, years from now, you’re going to look back and say,oh, no, I gave my first kiss to that filthy human. That can’t be.”
“You know you’re not filthy. AmIfilthy? Disgusting?”
“No. You’re lovely, but you’re still Marlak’s little sister?—.”
“We’re the same age !”
“But you’ve been alone on an island most of your life! I can’t kiss you, and please be warned that I’m the most dishonorable man I know. You don’t know the effort it takes to saynoto you.”
I’m trying to make sense of what he’s saying and then realize perhaps there’s another reason he doesn’t want to kiss me. “Do you agree with Azur? That I was cruel?”
He takes a deep breath, and tilts his head. “I stand by what I said. You were poisoned as a child, but I think you don’t want to be that person anymore.”
“I was pathetic.”
“It is quite impressive that you can look back and recognize it.”
“See? I’m not a child.”
“No. But…” He takes another deep breath. “I must be honest. I hear you talking about your past and what you did, and all you do is feel bad for yourself, feel weak, feel pathetic. Not even once have I heard you mentioning any remorse for what Renel might have felt.”
“He hated me.”
“Was it a reason to choke him?”
“It’s not choking. It’s… stopping the air flow. And I was training.”
“Couldn’t you find a volunteer to train on?”
“Marlak and I practiced on each other, and my father brought some servants sometimes. On Renel… My father said it could help him find his magic.”
He raises an eyebrow. “So you were doing it tohelphim?”
I pause and look down, oddly ashamed. “No. I was doing it to show my father that I was stronger than Renel—as if there was any doubt.”
“But you did doubt whether your father would favor you.”
“I guess.”
“Listen, you said you wanted to belong, that you wanted a family. Your family is Marlak and Renel. If Renel hates you, that’s his issue. Don’t let hatred taint your heart, and don’t be too proud that you can’t apologize, say you were wrong. Perhaps, when you were young, you didn’t pay attention to how he felt, or didn’t care, but you can do better now.”
Tears are prickling my eyes, but I force them back. “Is that why you don’t want to kiss me? Because you think I’m still cruel?”
“I want to kiss you! But I think your mind is still too young. If I’m telling you to open your heart and admit your mistakes, it’s because I see the goodness in you. What Azur said, that people bond in cruelty, is true, but I don’t think it makes people happy. I’ve seen it, seen my cousins doing it, and it drained them. You can choose differently.”
