He lies down on the bed beside me and extends his arms. “Let me hold my world in my arms one last time.”
I lie down near him, turning my back to his chest, facing the other side. He quietly commands the room assistant to turn off the lights, then pulls me tightly into him, as if afraid I might disappear if he loosens his hold even a little.
I lie there with my eyes open, staring at the bookshelf in front of me, its outlines barely visible in the darkness. It was only a month and a week ago when I entered this room for the first time, unaware of how deeply it would entangle my life again.
I hear the soft sound of a drop hitting the pillow.
It isn’t my tear, because mine falls right after it.
chapter 32
Iselyn
“Is everything really fine?” Mom asks me again.
I nod. Both Mom and Dad were happy when I told them I was going to visit, but after arriving, when they saw my face and asked how long I had planned to stay, and I had no answer, they assumed the obvious: their married daughter had come home because something wasn’t right.
“You’re not looking fine, sweetie,” she says, frowning.
I force a smile and inject some energy into my voice. “I’m just tired from such a long journey. I’ll look perfectly fine by tomorrow morning.”
She nods, but the worry on her face doesn’t lessen.
“I’ll sleep now. Good night.”
She gets up from my bed and kisses my forehead. “Good night.”
She leaves, closing the door behind her. I stare at the wall clock. It’s past 9:20 p.m. here, which means it’s around 3 a.m. in San Diego. He must be sleeping at this hour.
My room door opens again, and Papa enters. He comes toward me, sits calmly on the bed, and lifts his hand to caress my head.
“You don’t want to talk about it, do you?”
I shake my head.
“Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head again.
“But then why are you looking like that… that time?”
He doesn’t need to clarify which time he means. There was only one moment in my life when I was in such a state. Back then, it was because something happened that I didn’t want to happen. This time, it’s because something happened that I wanted to happen.
“I don’t know, Papa.” My eyes sting, I close them. “I don’t know why it hurts when it was what I wanted.”
He wipes the tear from the corner of my eyes. “Maybe what you wanted was not this.” I open my eyes and look at him.
“I hated love, Kroshka. My mother loved my father, and I only saw her crying because of that. When your mother came into my life, I didn’t accept that what I felt for her was love. I was very troubled by my feelings. It was so tiring to push away something so strong, and then one day, I accepted it. I got free from the war inside me. It’s very difficult to believe in love when you’ve been burned by it. It’s very difficult to tell yourself that you could love with a broken heart.”
He places his warm palm on my cheek. “Don’t fight with yourself, little one. Give yourself another chance. And when you start believing that you could love again, ask yourself if it’s the same man you want to love again.”
I nod and chuckle. “How do you make everything sound so easy?”
He laughs. “Because I’m very smart, Kroshka.”
I laugh. “Shouldn’t you say because ‘I’ve seen the world more than you,’ like people of your age?”
“What age? Age is just a number. I’m still a charming young man. You must be talking about people like your Uncle Ruslan.”
