“Shut your mouth or you’ll get more hits,” I growl.
I take her straight to her room, into the bathroom, and place her under the hot shower. She pushes at my chest. “Stay away from me!”
I catch her wrists and pin her hands behind her back, holding them there with one firm grip. With my other hand, I fist her hair and tug her head back, forcing her to meet my gaze.
“Don’t behave like a stupid brat,” I hiss.
“I hate you, Zloban!”
“Has hating me made you lose your mind?” I move my mouth closer to hers, releasing her hair only to clamp my hand around her neck.
“What is this, Dove? Standing in the rain just to go against me? What are you trying to prove by harming yourself?”
“I’m following your philosophy, Zoan. What did you use to think about proving when you used to hurt yourself, when you planned to kill yourself?”
“I never hurt myself to prove a point.” My grip on her neck tightens as my jaw clenches. “It was always the consequence of losing control over my anger.”
“And what about killing yourself?” she lifts her chin, forcing me to look into her eyes. They shine under mine, glistening from the steam.
“I can’t live without you. I can’t breathe without you, and that’s not a choice.” I speak through gritted teeth, each word dragged from somewhere raw inside me.
“If you had a choice, you would’ve already gotten rid of me,” she tries to pull away but I give her no space, pressing her back against the cold tiles.
“This is the second time I’m hearing this bullshit, Dove. Let me make this clear to you once and for all.”
My voice drops to a husky rasp.
“I never had a choice, nor did I want one. The moment my eyes landed on you, the choice of loving you or not stopped existing. I didn’t even know what love was back then, but I knew that what I needed was with you. Now that love has consumed my life and replaced it with itself. It has no limits, no boundaries. And I’ve let it take this shape, where I’ve made you the reason I live. I don’t even want to call it love anymore. It’s far uglier than that.”
She presses herself closer to me, shivering under the spray. “Then why did you want me to marry someone else?”
“You are not a lost case like me. I thought you would live happily with someone who would keep you away from the mud of a relationship with me.”
She laughs, bitter and sarcastic. “You thought my love was something that could be here one day and gone the next.”
She grits her teeth, her voice trembling with fury and pain. “I should have never loved you.”
Her words pierce through me, tearing at my heart. But the hurt reflected in her eyes is more painful.
“I’m sorry.” I finally let her go.
“Get out of here. Leave me alone!” she shouts in her broken voice.
I stay rooted to the spot as she hits my chest, sobbing uncontrollably. “You thought my love was flimsy. You thought I would feel nothing if you died. Why, Zoan? Why did you never accept that I could love you more than anything?” She slides down the wall, collapsing onto the floor. “Why did you never believe in my love?”
I tilt my head back under the shower, letting the water hit my face, washing away my restraint.
“Do you know what my name means?” I ask, my voice low.
She looks up at me, stopping her crying, shaking her head.
“It means… malice.”
I sit down on the floor beside her. “My mother gave me this name. She used to say I’m a malicious curse who ruined her life. Every day for nine years, she told me how despicable I was for being born and how I deserved only hatred. She made me believe no one could love me.”
“But we all love you,” she whispers.
I press my head against the wall. “My brain rationalized all that love. To me, Mom’s love was generated from guilt and pity, Dad loved me because of Mom. It took me many years to see beyond it.”
