“But... Matt asked me to stay, and I’m afraid that’s influencing why I want to be there. And I don’t want to build my life around a man.”
“Seems to me you already did,” Gran said mildly.
“What?”
“Well, if you’re not doing what you really want to do because you’re avoiding Matt, youhavebuilt your life around him.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Yes, it is. But that’s exactly what you’re doing, isn’t it?”
I stared out the window. Was it true? In trying to avoid the very thing I swore I’d never do again—compromise my career for a man—had I gone and done it?
Oh, fudgeruckers. I had! For an entirely different reason, to be sure, but it still had the same result.
Even worse, I’d made a career decision based on the opinions of others. I’d taken a job I didn’t really want because everyone said it was too good to turn down—but who the heck was everyone? Courtney? My old friends from college? People I didn’t know or really like in the art world? People like my ex?
Was I still trying to prove I was somehow good enough?
My eyes filled with tears. A moment later, my chest filled with a sense of giddy optimism. So... if I didn’t really want the job, and I didn’t really want to live in Chicago, and Ididwant to live in Wedding Tree, well, then, what the hell was I doing here?
“Listen to your heart, honey,” Gran said.
I clutched the phone tightly against my ear. “How do I know it’s my heart talking, Gran, and not fear or insecurity or neediness?”
“It’ll tug at you. It’ll pull and pull like a fishing line when the bobber goes under. But you’ve got to get rid of the deadweight that’sgot you snagged—all that guilt and anger and fear—before you can fully feel it. You’ve got to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you, and most of all, you have to forgive yourself. Pack it in a suitcase and send it on its way.”
I hung up the phone with Gran and paced around my apartment. I needed to forgive my ex—and I needed to forgive myself. I needed to let the past go.
And all of a sudden, it hit me: I could. I’d been feeling like a victim and a loser. I’d been feeling so guilty for having the bad judgment of marrying my ex and losing Mom’s inheritance that I’d lost all faith in myself.
I’d made a mistake, yes, but I’d corrected it, and I’d made lots of good decisions since then. Going to Wedding Tree, helping Gran, making new friends—even falling for a stand-up, good-hearted, grounded man like Matt. All of those things were good decisions, decisions that more truly reflected who I really was.
Icouldforgive myself. And as for my ex—well, he was the one who’d ultimately lost. Yes, he’d used me and run through my money, but it hadn’t made him rich, and it sure hadn’t made him happy. The rumor mill had it that he was courting a wealthy woman nearly twice his age. When it came to the things that really counted in life, he was dirt-poor. He was to be pitied.
And so was I, if I stayed here in a life I didn’t want.
Right then and there, I felt as if I’d put down a backpack full of rocks. The room felt brighter. “Thank you,” I whispered, although I wasn’t sure if I was talking to God, or Gran, or maybe myself.
No. Iwassure.
I was talking to all three.
56
hope
Are you sure you don’t want to stop the sale of the house?” Kirsten asked for the umpteenth time on the drive from New Orleans to Wedding Tree. She’d insisted on picking me up at the airport so we could spend more time together since I was only in town for the day.
“I told you, Kirsten—I don’t want to see Matt every time I go outside.”
The thought of seeing him at all was, quite frankly, killing me. I’d treated him terribly. I’d run out on him, avoided his calls, and ignored his texts and e-mails. After a week, he’d given up trying to contact me. He was probably furious at me—and I couldn’t blame him. I’d behaved dreadfully.
All the same, I was planning on moving back. I was going to follow my dream of painting and living in a small Louisiana town.
“I think I might want to look at places twenty minutes or so away—in Madisonville or Covington, maybe. That way I won’t see Matt and the girls every time I go to the grocery store.”
I especially didn’t want to watch him meet and date someone else. If our temporary arrangement to help each other over the hump had worked for him, well, I didn’t want to have to witness the results.
