He leans forward. “I gotta say, you’ve got me intrigued.”
Before I know it, I’m spilling out the whole story.
“Wow,” Brett says.
I take a sip of wine. “I told you I screwed up.”
“It’s not irreversible. I mean, no one’s dead. But I do have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“Did you really think you’d feel better once you found out he had a child?”
Both Zack and my sister had asked the same question. Apparently it’s something I should have considered more carefully. I blow out along breath. “It’s hard to imagine now, but yeah—I guess I did. I thought knowing would be better than wondering. It’s part of my personality, you know? I don’t like uncertainty. Maybe that’s why I’m into numbers and accounting. I like to know what I’m dealing with.”
“What kind of reaction did you think Zack would have?”
“Well, that’s the thing: I wasn’t going to tell him because he didn’t seem to want to know. But then, when I found out a child was looking for him, I knew I needed to tell him. But I thought I’d wait until I got pregnant before I broke the news.”
“Wait.” He furrows his brow. “I thought you couldn’t get pregnant.”
“I can’t—not with my eggs. But finding out Zack already has a child made me decide to use an egg donor. He’d encouraged me to use a donor after the first two IVF transfers failed, but I refused, because I wanted the baby to be genetically my own.”
The waitress sets down a fresh glass of wine. I take a big swallow. “Anyway, when the cryobank alerted him that someone tried to change the email address on his account, he knew it had to be me. I didn’t intend to tell him anything yet, but I felt so guilty it just kind of spilled out.”
“Wow.” Brett takes a drink, the whole time eyeing me over the rim.
I sigh. “I told you I screwed up.”
“Yeah, but you came clean with him. That shows an honorable intention.”
“Zack doesn’t see it that way. I thought he’d be glad I’d finally decided to use an egg donor, but he doesn’t even care about that. All he cares about is this donor child.” I give him a rundown of my latest phone conversation with Zack, and pull up a photo of Lily on my phone. “He’s completely head over heels.”
“Holy moly,” Brett says. “She’s adorable.”
“Yeah. I opened a real Pandora’s box.”
“I guess you have.”
My eyes fill with tears.
“But, hey—if you two love each other, you can work this out.” He lifts his beer. “And maybe it’ll all turn out for the best.”
I take a long gulp. “Yeah, right.”
“I mean it.” He leans forward. “You said the child’s mother died, that the great-grandmother is elderly and in the hospital, and that there’s no other family. That means your husband is the only blood relative. Maybe you two can get custody of the little girl.”
I shake my head. “The child’s godmother is designated as guardian in the mother’s will if the great-grandmother can’t take care of her. She has a really close relationship with the child.” I outline the therapist’s plan for Zack to be a distant family friend.
“Yes, but you said your husband’s an attorney. I’m sure there’re ways to override the will. Usually a natural parent is favored by the courts. Maybe your husband could be named guardian, and the child can come out here to live with you.”
The idea doesn’t appeal to me at first. I want a baby, one that grows under my own heart. My hesitation must have shown on my face.
“I’m thinking like a father here,” he says. “Three is still really young. Lily’s unlikely to remember much, if anything, of her life before you. She needs a mother and a father. You and your husband could be that for her.”
The concept starts to gain some luster. I don’t really think it would work, but maybe making the offer—letting Zack know I’m willing to take in his child—would go a long way toward healing our marriage.
Brett’s gaze is warm. “I can tell you from my own experience, both as a father and as an adopted child—what matters to a kid is the day-in, day-out love and attention. My parents and I were a lot closer than most of my friends who lived with their biological moms and dads. There’s more than one way to build a family.”
