“No. I haven’t told you how terrified I am of you.”
“Ofme?”
I nod. “I don’t want you to break Lily’s or the baby’s heart or...”What are you doing?I ignore my censoring brain, and words just spew straight from my heart. “Or mine.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t want to get used to having you in my life, and talking to you all the time, and being around you and feeling... feeling...”
“What?”
I draw in a deep breath and shake my head. “I just think we should put some parameters on how much you’re around. It would be healthy if we had some distance. I don’t want any of us to get too used to you spending so much time with us.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want you to hurt Lily, or the baby.” My voice cracks. “If... if the baby makes it.”
“Hey.” He reaches over and takes my hand. “Hey, the doctor said things looked good.”
“Yes, as far as he could tell. But he admitted he couldn’t tell much. He didn’t know for sure why I’m bleeding. Until I see Dr. Mercer on Monday, I’m worried.”
“I’m here for you.”
“Didn’t you just hear me? That worries me, too.”
“Quinn.” He glances over. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Maybe you should.”
He pulls the car into the empty parking lot of a closed strip mall and shifts the gear into park. He takes off his seat belt, anglestoward me, and puts his arm over the back of my seat. His forehead furrows. “What the hell are you talking about?”
I throw up my hands. “I got close to you and I let Lily get close to you because we thought you were moving. I thought there was a limited amount of time to bond. But now you’re staying, and you’re all entangled in our lives, and I should have established solid guidelines to keep us all from getting overinvolved, but it was just sonicethat I didn’twantto set any boundaries, and now I just feel...” I blow out a hard sigh and search for the word. “Vulnerable. Like I’m relying on you too much and getting too attached. And this whole thing tonight with Jessica made me realize how tenuous everything is. I have a history of getting involved in lopsided relationships with emotionally unavailable men, and... well, now the stakes are a lot higher because it’s just not me who stands to get hurt. So I think we should back things off.”
“I think that’s a terrible idea.”
“Easy for you to say!”
“Look, Quinn—it’s too early and I’m in no position to make any big proclamations, but let me repeat what I just said: I’m not going anywhere. I care for you and Lily and the baby. I care deeply. And I never, ever want to hurt any of you.” He draws a breath. His hand moves down from the back of my seat and rests on the back of my head. It stays there for a moment, and then he moves it away. “It’s too early to be telling you this, but I have feelings for you that go way beyond what’s currently appropriate.”
I find it hard to breathe. My heart flutters as if it’s sprouted wings, but I’m afraid they’re penguin wings—useless little flaps that will never let me fly.
“It’s more than just Lily and the baby,” he says. “I think about you all the time. I think about your smile, your laugh, your crazy, psychic goose bumps—which I’m now getting, too, by the way. Apparently they’re contagious.”
My lip gives a funny twitch when I grin. Oh, God—can it be? Does he really mean...
“For the next few months, I’d like us to continue as friends,” he says. “I’d like to see you and Lily every day or every other day—whatever you think is best. I’d like to spend time with you and get to know you better, and let you get to know me. And then, after the divorce is final, I’d like to date you. I want to take you to dinner and the movies and out to listen to music. We can take things as slow as you’d like. I’m not in a rush. I’ve got all the time in the world. Because what I really want, what I’ve always really wanted, is to have the kind of relationship that my parents had—where trust was as easy as breathing and they were equally crazy about each other and love not only flowed between them, but spilled out to everyone else around them. I think you and I can have that together. In fact, I think we’re both further along the road to that than either of us is ready to admit.”
I can scarcely see him—partly because it’s dark and partly because there’s a neon light blinking behind him, but mainly because my eyes are filled with tears. The wing stubs on my heart are growing now, growing and sprouting feathers.
“I’m willing to wait as long as it takes,” he says. “Does that sound like something you could consider?”
It strikes me that this is one of life’s brightest moments—like the sun at high noon on a cloudless day. It’s a waterfall moment, a moment too full to be contained, a moment that can’t help but spill over from now into the future. It’s a moment that doesn’t need a corroborating sign; it’s a life-marking moment that will forever separate my life into “before” and “after.”
It’s one of those moments when words are inadequate, but a response is required all the same.
“Yeah,” I say. “I think that’s something I could consider.”
He grins at me. “Well, then—let’s go home.”
