“Oh, Zack!” She puts her elbow on the car door, then rests her head in her hand. I know she’s crying.
I don’t know how to console her. I can’t think of anything that will make this better for her, other than saying,Let’s try for a baby with a donor egg, and I won’t do that. I don’t want to have a donor child with her just because she’s learned I already have one—not tomention another on the way. Insecurity, jealousy, and revenge are not good reasons to have a baby.
And then there’s another factor, one I hate to acknowledge, but it’s there all the same: every baby needs a loving home, and this marriage doesn’t feel like one.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Zack
Sunday, June 2
I DIDN’T CHEATon my wife at church, but I come home feeling like I did.
I left her a note:Decided to go to church. It’s not something I do all that often, but I go every now and then, and I usually do it on my own because Jessica’s not big on organized religion.
Instead of going to my usual Presbyterian place of worship, I went to the Methodist church where Lily goes to Sunday school and Quinn volunteers in the nursery—the church where Lily was baptized, and where Quinn will no doubt have our baby christened.
I told myself I wanted to see the building, to be able to picture them going there when I was in Seattle. But the truth is, I wanted to see them, period.
When I arrived, I discovered the church is large, the Sunday school rooms are in a different section of the building than the sanctuary, and there are three separate worship times. I was keenly disappointed to realize I was unlikely to see them unless I set out on a deliberate search. I restrained myself. I attended the worship service and told myself it was for the best that I hadn’t encountered them.
But then, in the narthex, I spotted Quinn in a summery floral dress. Lily was beside her, wearing a white dress with yellow daisiesappliquéd or embroidered or something around the neck. Lily saw me before Quinn did. “Daddy!” she exclaimed.
The amount of joy in that single word made it sound as if I were a veteran returning from a long war. People turned and grinned as Lily ran toward me.
I’m not much for scenes, and Lily was creating one. And yet—how wonderful to have someone so thrilled to see you! Quinn smiled widely, too.
I picked up Lily but kept my eyes on Quinn. The fact that she seemed happy at my unexpected appearance pleased me far more than it should have.
We talked for only a few minutes—the conversation involved me giving a lame explanation for why I was there, and Lily showing me pages she’d colored in Sunday school of Moses parting the Red Sea. I would have gladly sat through another sermon just to be with them, but I knew Jessica was waiting for me at home.
“Hello,” I call now as I walk through the door of the condo. I can see she’s been busy; boxes sit by the door, each markedBathroom,Closet, orBedroom.
I hear noises from the hallway between the guest and master bedrooms, so I know she’s home—close enough that she should be able to hear me.
“Hi, Jess,” I call again.
Silence.
Uh-oh. This isn’t good. Guilt has me wondering how she could possibly know I went to Quinn’s church this morning.
I walk into the bedroom and discover that she’s wearing noise-canceling earphones as she packs her suitcase on the far side of the bed. She takes off the headphones as I wave. “Hey,” I say.
“Hey, yourself.” Her voice sounds raw and her eyes are red, as if she’s been crying.
I tense, every muscle on high alert. “What’s going on?”
She jerkily folds a silk blouse and sets it in her suitcase. “While I was cleaning out the closet, I discovered that the fetal Doppleryou bought a couple of years ago is gone. And I saw...” She straightens and looks at me, her eyes both hurt and accusatory. “I saw one just like it at Quinn’s house yesterday.”
Oh, hell! “I—I didn’t know you were aware I’d bought that. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Because I hoped that I’d get pregnant again, and you’d give it to me, and that we’d be able to...” Her voice breaks.
I feel terrible, just terrible—as if I’ve injured her in a car accident or something. “I’m so sorry, Jess. It was just sitting there, and I didn’t think you knew about it, and Quinn—”
She holds up her hands, stopping me. “No need to explain. I get it.” The words are sharp, but it’s the sad resignation in her eyes that cuts me to the quick. “Quinn is having your baby, and I’m not.”
I don’t know what to say. I start to move toward her to comfort her, but she stays me with a shake of her head. I stand there, gutted.
